Fresh off Super Tuesday — and the release of “Formation” — it is now clear that Beyoncé is ripe for the office of president. Seeing as she is probably the single most influential and universally beloved figure in the history of modern public celebrity, and that the presidential primaries have defaulted to a popularity contest, it’s a no-brainer. Let’s stop pretending we’ll settle for this world tour and get to some serious canvassing. We are, finally, ready for this jelly. It’s time to Bey-lieve. Let’s fantasize our future:
Upgrade U (and Everyone Else in Congress)
Imagine it, world: She wakes up Congress. Posts up Congress. Forget dialogue: Beyoncé is the only thing that Congress would unanimously vote to support. Get her in a room with a caucus, and the windows would steam up from the humidifying effect that her fire would have on their tears. Bills would be passed with this head nod. Mitch McConnell and Harry Reid would bow to these moves. In a dream scenario, Jeb Bush would speak only when spoken to, and Ted Cruz would have to provide a daily birth certificate to prove that he did, in fact, wake up like this. There would be a second July 4th celebration on 7/11. Filibusters would involve neon Lycra pantsuits and countless hours of dancers undulating in pyramid formation. People would actually watch the State of the Union, and the income generated from advertising during C-SPAN’s period of sky-high ratings would quintuple the value of the legislature’s next stimulus package. Sit down, Paul Ryan: The Queen is speaking.
She harnesses Earth’s energy frequently, often to the advantage of charitable organizations, tiny children, and small dogs. Her hair is perpetually windblown in what is, no doubt, a subtle nod toward the power of wind technology. The project for Improved Environmental Coverage reports — literally — that people care more about Beyoncé than they do about the environment, likely because Beyoncé is the greatest natural resource this country has to offer. “It is hard to argue that ‘Beyoncé’ warrants 92 times more mentions than ‘deforestation’ on network TV news programs,” the group concludes, “given the important role forests play as our planet’s lungs.” Yeah, but you try breathing in a world without Beyoncé.
The National Debt
Beyoncé made just over $100 million on her most recent world tour, and right now the U.S. national debt tops out at around $18 trillion. Solution: Have Beyoncé perform in every country she’ll already be visiting as the elected leader of the free world. If she’s going there regardless, we can just monetize this shit and pay China to stop buying the shattered remains of the U.S. economy, which, let’s be honest, would be even more shattered if not for the healthy spike in revenue that it already gets from Beyoncé’s quarterly album sales.
Never forget that Beyoncé let Taylor have her moment.
Strong Recovery Platform
Flawless execution in the face of extreme pressure from the global community is a condition that defines both Kennedy during the Cuban Missile Crisis and Beyoncé during her second Super Bowl win. Can you remember which teams played against each other during Beyoncé’s first Super Bowl performance? Exactly. So, yes: Beyoncé has won the Super Bowl — twice. Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country, but first: Ask what Beyoncé can do for your country.
Endorsement From the Incumbent
She has the respect of the current president and has already hung out in the White House many times, so let’s just get this going. America is ready for President Beyoncé. We are at a crossroads right now, like Coldplay at the Super Bowl, begging to be saved by a diva who is the female version of a hustler — one who performed on the field expressly because she is for the people. The change we can believe in comes prepackaged in thigh-high boots and the pantless bodysuit that has come to encapsulate what the American flag once came to represent: the glimmering hope of a better tomorrow. One Nation, Under Beyoncé, with liberty and justice for all.