FX

The People v. O.J. Simpson Morally Corrupt Rankings, Week 3: 'The Dream Team'

A defense team for the ages takes shape as legal superstar Johnnie Cochran finally comes onboard.

The 10-part FX series The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story tells the fascinating, tragic tale of Nicole Brown Simpson’s real-life killing and the ensuing media frenzy around the murder trial of her famous ex-husband, O.J. Simpson. Once again, in honor of "the morally corrupt" Faye Resnick, let’s figure out everyone’s standings as they're portrayed in the series -- this time for Episode 3, "The Dream Team" -- and determine who’s the most morally corrupt of them all.

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1. THE MEDIA

Surprise: The media still portrays black people the same way they did in the '90s!

Suspect Behavior:

* Photoshop was hot in the '90s, apparently, particularly in this photo, where Time made O.J. darker, because of course you need to play into the stereotype that dark-skinned black men are dangerous. Time later apologized for the cover.*

[* Side note: I guess it was cool back then for Newsweek to have a headline that just read: "GAYS."]

Last Week: 2

2. AMERICA

If we're trying to make America great again, we're certainly not talking about the '90s.

Suspect Behavior:

* After just one appearance in the O.J. trial media circus, Robert Kardashian is suddenly famous enough to warrant immediate seating at Chin Chin in Studio City. "Oh, you're the lawyer we saw on TV, here's a seat!"

Last Week: 5

3. ROBERT SHAPIRO

O.J.'s main lawyer/henchman.

Good Deeds:

* Saving his client from a losing case is good, I guess? That's what lawyers are supposed to do. Even if it's O.J.

Suspect Behavior:

* Coming up with the race defense. Nobody thought of O.J. as black, least of all himself, but whatever it takes!

* Planting a sleazy story in The New Yorker was pretty trash, too.

Last Week: 4

4. JOHNNIE COCHRAN

The only black defense lawyer in America, apparently.

Good Deeds:

* Wanting to talk to O.J. and confirm his innocence before joining the "Dream Team."

Suspect Behavior:

* Falling for O.J.'s sobbing routine and joining anyway.

* Thirsting for a spot on O.J.'s team so he could be the one to get him off.

Last Week: 9

5. F. LEE BAILEY

Lawyer and alcoholic extraordinaire!

Suspect Behavior:

* Basically anyone joining the Dream Team at this point has to have the air of the morally corrupt to them. What about O.J. is screaming "innocent"? Bailey's being drawn in by fame and dollar signs.

Last Week: N/A

6. ALAN DERSHOWITZ

Charlotte's husband from Sex and the City has done well for himself and grown some facial hair.

Good Deeds:

* Drags O.J.'s defense lawyers on national TV.

Suspect Behavior:

* Joins O.J.'s team anyway. Jesus.

Last Week: N/A

7. ROBERT KARDASHIAN

Dad Kardashian is turning more into Ross with every episode.

Good Deeds:

* Taking that table at Chin Chin and skipping a long Father's Day line. I mean, it was awful for the waitresses to give that to him, but he'd be an idiot to turn it down.

* Tells his kids that fame is fleeting and not to chase it.

Suspect Behavior:

* Immediately follows this up by talking about how Barbara Walters knows him.

Last Week: 7

8. O.J. SIMPSON

Barely in this episode, so he doesn't get a chance to be truly awful.

Good Deeds:

* Doesn't want to go with a racism defense.

Suspect Behavior:

* He actually says, "I'm not black, I'm O.J.!" This New Black son of a bitch...

Last Week: 3

9. MARCIA CLARK

This week, she's actually doing her job instead of doing victory laps around the office.

Suspect Behavior:

* Unsubtly bringing Chris Darden aboard once the case becomes about race. See right through you like you're bathing in Windex, sis.

Last Week: 6

10. CHRIS DARDEN

The only black lawyer who works for the district attorney.

Suspect Behavior:

* Actually believing Marcia wanted him on the team before it became about race. But get your money, I guess.

Last Week: 10

11. FAYE RESNICK

She's not even in the episode and she manages to be morally corrupt this week.

Suspect Behavior:

* O.J. suspects that Faye's involvement with drugs got Nicole killed. She's been The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick since the '90s, apparently.

Last Week: N/A

12. KRIS JENNER

Shockingly, she's a sensible and caring mother at this point in life?

Good Deeds:

* Doesn't want her kids involved in the O.J. three-ring circus.

Last Week: N/A

13. GIL GARCETTI

The frequently disorganized district attorney.

Suspect Behavior:

* How are you letting 911 tapes get leaked, sir? Do your job!

Last Week: 8

14. KATO KAELIN

The Chrissy Snow of the show.

Good Deeds:

* Goes jogging shirtless, thank God.

Last Week: 11