It's that time again. Here comes my unsolicited advice to people who have abused their Twitter privileges this week. I could very well make this installment the All–Kanye West Edition, but lest you forget, this was also the week in which white people shared their ignorant opinions on Beyoncé and Cam Newton, our Super Bowl heroes. So I'll get to Kanye in a moment.
Brands love to engage with young users and minorities on Twitter because the slang those demographics use often becomes part of the cultural lexicon. Bae. Fleek. Thirst. All of them have fallen prey to pilfering by corporations and hack sitcom writers until they're overused to the point of abuse. At that point, the New York Times will commission someone to write a piece about how that particular slang word is dead, but only because white people are tired of hearing about it. And the cycle continues.
Which is why it was imperative for Red Lobster to get it right. On Saturday, Beyoncé's "Formation" video dropped and she shouted out the chain restaurant with the lyrics, "When he fuck me good I take his ass to Red Lobster." Twitter exploded into memes. We patiently awaited Red Lobster's response. And waited. And waited.
And an hour later ... they respond with "Cheddar Bey Biscuits." Dassit? What intern wrote this? Has anyone who works at Red Lobster ever even heard a Beyoncé song before? Are there any black employees at Red Lobster HQ who could've tweeted something funnier? Maybe even someone who works at one of the actual restaurants who's in dire need of a promotion? But waiting so long only to drop this lame-ass tweet is really indicative of how corporations respond to social media and the people who use it: Poorly.
Should Red Lobster Delete Its Account? Yes. Beyoncé's song caused sales to spike 33 percent and this is how they repay her? Fuck outta here. Here's actual footage of Bey's response to Red Lobster:
Bey leaning out the car as she pass Red Lobster just to let them know she ain’t coming in pic.twitter.com/PCmQIUY7Rb— Ireezy III (@ira) February 7, 2016
Brother Lowe, hath not Twitter's wrath cometh for you once before? Rob Lowe using Twitter is like anyone old enough to see Save the Last Dance in theaters attempting to use Snapchat. When he unleashes a tweet that is vaguely or borderline racist, he's shocked when people disagree with him, as if he thinks there's a special filter that only sends his tweets to his middle-aged fans in Arkansas.
So here, as he resorts to petty sarcasm to degrade Cam Newton for bailing on a post–Super Bowl press conference, he's sort of oblivious to the fact that maybe someone who made a sex tape with a 16-year-old girl shouldn't ever tell another adult they're a poor example to kids. He should shut his hypocritical ass up and go back to making episodes of The Grinder, a show that I nevertheless very much enjoy!
Should Rob Delete His Account? Yes. This fool should've never had one in the first place.
A word of advice? If I have to Google you to find out who you are, maybe don't instruct black people to Google anything. Least of all the Black Panther Party, which a quick search will confirm was not a terrorist organization, unlike the KKK. How are you gonna suggest someone do something you didn't even do yourself?
But let's get back to Owen Benjamin, whom Wikipedia describes as "a comedian and actor from Oswego, New York, best known for his appearance on the popular Spike reality show Bar Rescue." If you're a comedian and your claim to fame is being on an episode of Bar Rescue, I'm not gonna tell you to apply for a 9-to-5 desk job, but I'm gonna lightly suggest it.
Owen made a bad apology on Twitter after he was rightfully dragged, where he insinuates that all he did was "criticize Beyoncé" instead of owning up to what he actually did, which was make racist-ass comments and pass them off as "comedy."
Should Owen Delete His Account? With haste.
When Cosmopolitan isn't pretending black hairstyles are "new" beauty trends (like calling undercuts some nonsensical speaking-in-tongues garbage like "hair tattoos"), they're finding shocking ways to be racist against two different cultures. First off, some social media assistant in their Urban Outfitters Faux-Navajo Lana Del Rey Fringe Jacket Collection still finds it cute to refer to things as their "spirit animal." Stop doing that. It's not cute to wear Native American spirituality just to be ironic and as banal as someone who follows The Fat Jew on Instagram.
Second, did y'all really fix yourselves to refer to this young girl as an animal? Blue Ivy is not your anything. Leave this child alone. Stop hopping on her celebrity and using it in your tweets when you don't tweet about black culture any other time except for when you want to stan for Beyoncé.
Should Cosmopolitan Delete Its Account? Delete this racist tweet (which is somehow still up, by the way), hire some non-white people, and just DO BETTER.
I … I … how do I even begin? Is this man demented? Is he intentionally out to anger people just so he can trend? Why is no one in his family helping him? Kanye’s general abuse of Twitter is exacerbated by denying the allegations of over 50 women who say Bill Cosby raped them, his lyrics about using sex with white women as a means to social leverage, and slut-shaming his ex-girlfriend Amber Rose. These are all things you can't defend, nor should anyone attempt to. I like Kanye's music. I don't think I can like Kanye the person, and that makes me sad, but I'll move the fuck on. In the words of my close friend and personal mentor Mya, Kanye and I "ain't have no kids" and we "don't share no mutual friends."
Should Kanye Delete His Account? GOD, YES. But he won't need to, because Kris Jenner is gonna delete his life for fucking with Kylie's money like this: