FX

The People v. O.J. Simpson Morally Corrupt Rankings, Week 2: 'The Run of His Life'

Sorting out the shady characters involved in the White Bronco Low-Speed Chase of the Century.

The 10-part FX series American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson tells the fascinating tale of Nicole Brown Simpson’s real-life killing and the ensuing media frenzy around the murder trial of her famous ex-husband, O.J. Simpson. Once again, in honor of "the morally corrupt" Faye Resnick, let’s figure out everyone’s standings as they're portrayed in the series -- this time for Episode 2, "The Run of His Life" -- and determine who’s the most morally corrupt of them all.*

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1. A.C. COWLINGS

A former football player and O.J. Simpson's Swimfan.

Good Deeds:

*Keeps O.J. from getting shot by the police, I guess, by being his personal chauffeur.

Suspect Behavior:

*Purchased the same white Bronco as O.J. This man is clearly not playing with an entire roster.

*Shouts "You know who I am!" on the phone, as if anyone at all in 1995 would know who this mediocre football player who ended his career in 1979 is?

*Honestly, you'd think he was driving Danny Zuko around by how hopelessly devoted he is to O.J.

Last Week: 9

2. THE MEDIA

This is the point when Network's prediction about the future of televised news began to come true.

Good Deeds:

*Providing blanket news coverage of a suspected killer who is on the rampage.

Suspect Behavior:

*Cutting into a basketball game to show O.J. driving on a goddamn freeway. This isn't news. This is the origin of why I can never seem to watch Days of Our Lives during the week without the local L.A. news cutting to a low-speed car chase. Obviously, interrupting my stories is the most evil sin of all.

Last Week: 3

3. O.J. SIMPSON

Still the only person charged with a double homicide!

Good Deeds:

*Doesn't kill himself on national TV.

Suspect Behavior:

*On the verge of a breakdown and possible suicide attempt, O.J. creates a media circus that will never end. His constant sobbing and whining in the backseat of the Bronco might have been Cuba Gooding Jr. really overdoing it, but it's annoying nonetheless.

*Refers to himself as a "battered husband" in his letter to the media. Oh, word?

Last Week: 1

4. ROBERT SHAPIRO

The kind of slimy lawyer you want in your corner.

Good Deeds:

*Gets ahead of the media cycle by staging his own press conference for his client.

Suspect Behavior:

*The press conference, however, is on some Billy Flynn "We Both Reached for the Gun" shit.

Last Week: 2

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5. AMERICA

As evidenced by its inability to not lose its shit over a Beyonce video, and the continued presence of Donald Trump as a GOP front-runner, America is literally the worst.

Suspect Behavior:

*Chasing down O.J.'s Bronco with signs and cheering him on? Do better.

Last Week: N/A

6. MARCIA CLARK

The Doctor Blight to O.J. Simpson's team of Planeteers.

Good Deeds:

* Attempts to capture and convict a murderer.

Suspect Behavior:

*Literally salivates over the prospect of catching O.J., like she's Dr. No with the laser beams pointed at James Bond. Every scene of her is one more insane caricature of a justice-seeking public servant. It's getting preposterous.

Last Week: 4

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7. ROBERT KARDASHIAN

The pioneer of the Kimoji Krew.

Good Deeds:

*Looks out for his best friend O.J.'s well-being.

Suspect Behavior:

*His tearful reading of O.J.'s letter was a bit much.

*His family's excitement about him being on television is just a big old portal into the future, isn't it?

*He tells O.J.'s family that O.J. committed suicide without any goddamn evidence of such. What is wrong with this man?!

Last Week: 7

8. GIL GARCETTI

The D.A. tasked with bringing O.J. Simpson to justice and doing a pretty poor job of it.

Suspect Behavior:

*Grouses about his bungled investigation costing him a potential bid for mayor. Sorry, boo. Your son Eric became L.A.'s mayor in 2013, and I'm sure you're living vicariously through him. He's pretty good, too, to be honest, so I guess Gil did something right.

Last Week: 5

9. JOHNNIE COCHRAN

The soon-to-be Dream Teamer.

Good Deeds:

*Without the immediate facts, talks about the real concern that the LAPD could be framing O.J. for murder given their history of racism.

Last Week: 10

10. CHRIS DARDEN

A pot calling the kettle New Black.

Good Deeds:

*Shading O.J. for being a New Black (i.e., black people who don't believe in racism, don't hold white people accountable for racism, or enjoy white privilege and look down on other black people) and for how he finally gets to experience being black in America while being chased by the police is hilarious.

Suspect Behavior:

*Um, he put black people in prison all the time and people hated him during the trial (more on that in coming weeks, I assume), so who's the real New Black?

Last Week: 8

11. KATO KAELIN

The guesthouse guy.

Suspect Behavior:

*Just watching TV in O.J.'s living room. That's not the guesthouse, yo.

Last Week: 11

[*Note: The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick and Kris Jenner do not appear in this episode.]