Twitter is sometimes the heaven on earth that Belinda Carlisle once sang about, but more often than not it’s a vast wasteland of thoughts no one asked for and a never-ending investigation into who Rita Ora actually is. For the non-celebrity, no one really cares when you get a bit of Moscato in you and start tweeting sexual come-ons to Paul Ryan (which I’ve never done in my life -- why do you ask?), but when you’re famous, maybe you should hire a social media manager to help restrain your need to constantly tweet foolish nonsense.
In order to rescue these celebrities, I now introduce Should You Delete Your Account? Unsolicited, but very helpful, advice to the wayward ones in these Twitter streets.
Kim Kardashian West
So … WYD, ma? Aside from the question of why Amber Rose took the time to pose for a photo with this DASH sales associate, you have to wonder why Kim is posing with the woman who said her man likes fingers in his anus. The woman who dragged her sister Khloe for sleeping with anthropomorphic Coogi sweater French Montana. The woman who called out her younger sister Kylie for dating Tyga while not even old enough to drink the champagne you squirted on your ass for a Paper magazine cover.
The obvious answer is because Kim is thirsty. So thirsty that you can drag her husband to hell like Sam Raimi and she will still post up for a pic with you. In fact, the only person she’s ever actually dragged (and in a subtweet, no less) on Twitter is Wendy Williams, where she threatened to blast Wendy on her website. She has yet to do so.
Honestly, the worst thing about this tweet is the caption. "Tea, anyone?" What tea? Amber’s the one who spilled the tea and seems to have plenty more on your family. Why are you teasing to the world that you were blackmailed into keeping your mouth shut?
Should Kim Delete Her Account? Probably, but seeing as 70 percent of her tweets are Kanye press releases, she can keep it.
This is the most annoying album rollout since ANTI. Yeezy earned some goodwill from all of us by announcing the return of G.O.O.D Fridays. Granted, "Facts" was a mess, but "Real Friends" and (the late) "No More Parties in L.A." were dope as hell. What a shame, then, that he then decided he didn’t really wanna release songs on Fridays anymore and instead chose to promote his album with Twitter fights and slut-shaming his ex.
Realizing he fucked up, Ye tried being more lighthearted, like releasing a photo of himself smiling for once. STILL NOT A DAMN SONG, but the picture shot by Tyler the Creator is actually really cute, and I would totally hang it on the wall in my apartment. The Internet was awash with fuzzy feelings and jokes about mustard until Rolling Stone tweeted that the cover isn’t real. KNOWING DAMN WELL THIS WOULD HAPPEN, Kanye still decided to fire up a tweetstorm and clap back at people calling the cover a fake. My brother, the cover is fake. What did you expect people to do? Kick off the current cover star before it goes to press so they could put you on it? Have some goddamn chill and stay quiet until your album, whatever the hell it’s called, comes out next Friday.
Should Kanye Delete His Account? He can wait until after he announces that his album is available on iTunes.
Speaking of never-ending investigations into Rita Ora, here she is sharing her cover (link NSFW) of Lui magazine. Promoting your latest project is par for the course with celebrities, but rarely is there so much boogie-woogie-bugle-boy to it. There's also the fact that this is biting Rihanna's Lui cover and it's a Terry Richardson photo. I know you need the promo, sis, but please stop working with Terry Richardson. Tyler the Creator's fake Rolling Stone cover with Kanye does Terry better than Terry. And the wicked grin as you're thrusting your Elphabas to the sky just makes the Terry Richardson of it all even creepier.
Should Rita Delete Her Account? Would anyone but me notice?
Sir, did you kidnap this baby? Jeb Bush’s entire campaign has been an extended version of Lucy pulling away a football before Charlie Brown can kick it. When he’s not promoting his tacky guacamole bowl or begging people to clap for him, he’s doing nonsense like this. What woman let you dress up her baby in a Jeb! shirt? I hope you sufficiently paid that poor mother, because when her child grows up and realizes you used her in her campaign, she might go Beatrix Kiddo on you, bruh.
Should Jeb! Delete His Account? Yes. Immediately. Go home to your mother.
Why is everyone in One Direction so petty? Leaving wasn’t enough for Zayn -- every interview he gives he has to mention how he never wanted to be in the band to begin with (how else would you be so famous boo?). Now you’ve got Harry, who’s subtweeting his ex like he’s the Boris to Katy Perry’s Natasha. I’d say leave that girl Taylor Swift alone, but she’s been trolling black people for a good long while now, so live your truth, Yung Styles.
Should Harry Delete His Account? Never.