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Rick Santorum Gives Up, Too

Fraught (or frothing) with despair, these losing presidential candidates just can’t deal with the sadness of their campaigns any longer.

The past few days of the 2016 presidential election cycle have gone like the first few minutes of the Hunger Games — now that the voting gates are open and the contestants have been set loose, the weak are being quickly culled without ceremony or pomp.

First, Martin O’Malley went splat. Then Mike Huckabee was quickly erased from the contest. Rand Paul was able to run for a little bit longer before being wiped out.

And now, Rick Santorum, who won the Iowa caucus only four years ago, has also been vanquished. In 2012, he was able to win with hardly any staff — just the help of his truck and $100,000 worth of Minnesotan sweater vests. This year, he was defeated by a humble man who traveled the state in his modest private jet, and nearly everyone else. The only person Santorum bested in this year’s primary was former governor Jim Gilmore, who “exceeded expectations” by getting the backing of all of 12 people.

One of the few people supporting Santorum, extremely conservative on social issues, was wealthy donor Foster Friess, best remembered for saying in 2012 that “back in [his] days, they'd use Bayer aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn't that costly.”

Jeb Bush will hopefully, for his own sake, last long enough to get his super PAC's sponsor parachute that drops a puppy from the sky after he gives another applause line greeted with silence.