The Iowa caucuses are upon us, and this evening will change everything in politics about as much as Fox's much-tweeted Grease: Live changed the landscape of musical theater, thrusting the old song-and-dance rulebook onto an open flame to burn away the past and embrace the future. Which is to say, they won't change it at all. When you think about it, these caucuses are nothing more than a traditional soft-shoe routine that probably won’t end up making a difference in the long run, but it’ll be fun watching people whip themselves into a frenzy over it anyway. In that case, the Iowa caucuses are exactly like Grease: Live.
If you’re still having trouble figuring out who to vote for but also happened to watch Grease in prime time last night, here’s a handy guide to help you figure out which candidate really sings to you.
Ted Cruz: “Grease”
Ted Cruz really loves french fries. Also, his hair constantly looks like he plopped product into it and then had to leave the house in a hurry, so basically he’s all about grease. But, like, literal grease. Also, Cruz seeming really oily probably explains why his daughter is not super enthused about hugging him.
Bernie Sanders: “We Go Together”
Did you know that Bernie Sanders marched with Martin Luther King Jr.? Did you know that he’s black people’s Obi-Wan Kenobi, judging by the impassioned Facebook posts of his white male supporters between the ages of 22 and 36? Sanders is all about harmony, and what sounds more harmonious than chanting, “We go together like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong?” It doesn’t make any sense, but once Sanders is president, we’ll all be able to hop in the Greased Lightnin’ and sail off into the socialist horizon in free flying cars.
Marco Rubio: “Greased Lightnin'”
Marco Rubio pairs with “Greased Lightnin',” a song about a bunch of dudes manhandling an inanimate object while talking about how much chicks dig them, because he’s probably the thirstiest person in the race. And I mean this literally: He’s always got a bottle of water to swig because he’s probably part-amphibian.
Donald Trump: “Look at Me, I’m Sandra Dee”
Rizzo throwing on a cheap wig and mocking Sandy while they're in the same room pretty much describes Trump during every debate.
Hillary Clinton: “There Are Worse Things I Could Do”
The pressures put on a woman in this race are perfectly encapsulated in this classic. Much like Lookout Point enthusiast Rizzo, Hillary Clinton is damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t. If she tried to dress any sexier than her Diane Keaton Business Woman Collection pantsuits, she’d get dragged by the media. When she’s sneaky and underhanded like the rest of the boys, she’s dragged, too. And just like Rizzo, the one thing she’ll never do is cry in front of us. Because she already attempted that maneuver in 2008 and we all know that she had her tear ducts surgically removed afterward.
Martin O’Malley: “All I Need Is an Angel”
Because it’ll take an act of God for anyone to still be talking about Martin O’Malley come Tuesday morning.
Anyway, this is all pretty much a moot point. Iowa won’t matter. Once we get down to the real election, we’ll be voting for whichever candidate changes themselves enough by putting on black leggings to make us fall in love with them.