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12 Crimes Mario Committed In 'Super Mario 64'

Mario is a criminal and we need to talk about it.

The quintessential Nintendo 64 game "Super Mario 64" turns 20 this year, which means you've had 20 years to collect all 120 power stars. (I'm still at 117, sadly.)

The game's one of the N64's best-selling cartridges and spawned a remake for the Nintendo DS in 2004. It's safe to assume "Super Mario 64" is a staple in '90s kids' childhoods. From the ~fancy~ 3-D graphics that were an important first for Mario and Co., to the different world levels, to the stellar soundtrack, this game cemented itself as a true fan-favorite.

But despite all the amazing things associated with the video game, one topic never seems to be addressed. Mario is actually a criminal, committing multiple felonies and misdemeanors against animals and humans alike. He's been free for 20 years; it's time he finally pays the piper and answers for his crimes.

Don't believe me? Take a look for yourself -- the evidence is all there.

  1. Murder
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    Hey Mario, you forced the Big Bully into a fiery death. Do you get it? You just murdered in cold blood, burning another living thing alive. And all so you could get a power star? Big whoop, the police'll be on your trail soon enough.

  2. Loitering
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    A non-serious crime, loitering means standing or waiting around, not contributing to society. First, this isn't your property, Mario. Second, quit wasting time dawdling while your woman's in trouble.

  3. Disturbing the peace
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    The goombas and bomb-ombs were just minding their own business and then — WHAM! — here came Mario a-zooming and a-zipping through their home like he owned the joint. Reign in it, Mario.

  4. Destruction of property
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    WTF, Mario?! That block didn't belong to you. You went on a bunch of super smashing parties during this adventure, destroying lots of objects that either belonged to Princess Peach or Bowser.

  5. Flying without a license
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    Technically, this law applies to aircraft, not winged caps, but still. You were flying in the air all over the place and you didn't have a license. Unacceptable.

  6. Breaking and entering
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    I realize you needed to rescue the Princess Peach, Mario, but you kind of just went anywhere you pleased in her castle. I highly doubt she was hiding out in a giant clock or something, Mario. Mind yo business and quit breaking into other "rooms" when you don't have to, mkay? It's rude, not to mention illegal.

    And don't give me that crap about having a key to unlock the doors. You had to hurt Bowser to get those keys in the first place.

  7. Stealing
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    I'm sorry, but was that your hard-earned money, Mario? No? Was it a gift or loan? No again? Then I guess that means you were STEALING, you thieving thiever.

  8. Stalking
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    Mario, are you serious right now? You stalked this little rabbit named MIPS a few times during the game, when all MIPS wanted was to be left alone. MIPS didn't ask for this unwanted attention, and you needed to back the eff off.

  9. Assault
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    So, you're in the business of kicking a man when he's down, are you, Mario? Didn't you see the giant bandaids on that whomp? And where did you do a ground pound? Right on his wound. You might not have caused the whomp's original injury, but you definitely created a new one.

  10. Animal cruelty
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    As a member of the Koopa species, Bowser is technically an animal in Nintendo's world. Koopas are turtle-like creatures and you know what turtles are? Animals. Now, the above GIF isn't murder because you simply knocked Bowser out for a moment, Mario. However, literally tossing an animal into a bomb that exploded should probably be classified as animal cruelty, yes?

    Not mention those times you punched a giant bird in "Shifting Sand Land" and ground pounded on Dorrie the sea dragon in "Hazy Maze Cave."

  11. Oh look, more murder
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    That flower bro was here one second, gone the next. He(?) was too precious for this world, not that you gave a damn, Mario. That flower bro probably had a family, just working for Bowser so he could feed his little flower bros. Now what are they supposed to do for food and money, Mario? You killed their dad(?) and now you pretty much killed the flower bros, too. They were children, Mario.

  12. And surprise, more murder
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    Wow. This is a combo of murder and animal cruelty. Mama Penguin entrusted a dude she'd never met before to safely return her child to her. Now, Mama Penguin should be charged with child endangerment and neglectfulness, but that's a whole other story.

    Mario, this crime of yours was the final straw. Yes, that baby penguin was annoying AF and would've driven anyone crazy, but that didn't give you the right to straight up murder him. Savage.

This'll be you soon enough, Mario. You need to pay penance for your crimes.

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