Totally Nights: 'I'm Too Dead Inside To Flirt'


There are a lot of songs about love, so musicians must know what they’re talking about, right? Sure, why not!! Let Prince Rama’s Nimai Larson heal your heart with her new column, Totally Nights, and if you’re feeling “so destroyed,” drop her a line at Those who live for love will live forever!

Dear Totally Nights,

I'm really afraid of flirting because I had my heart deeply broken in the past. Now even having a crush on someone seems like way too much baggage. What is your advice for making flirting fun again?

-- Fun-Seeker

Dearest Fun-Seeker,

Flirting IS fun! There is nothing heavy about the act of flirting, but sometimes what we carry in our bag marked "past" is so heavy we can hardly bear the weight by ourselves. And you can't have fun flirting if you're eXhAuSTeD carrying around a bunch of sad memories!! Letting go of your past hurt is very personal; no one can go through it for you. But that's a good thing! Once you've made it to the other side, you can say you did it all by yourself! How empowering! When you are feeling empowered, you can finally empty all the contents of your "past" bag, breathe a sigh of relief, and start filling your "now" bag with strength and hope.

Whether it seems real or not, you will get through this heartbreak if you allow yourself to. Take one day at a time. Engage in activities that get you outside yourself. To be interesting, you must be interested in what's around you. Once your "now" bag is filled, then you can reward yourself with a brand new beautiful "future" bag! Who KNOWS what you will fill it with!

Every day offers new lessons when you're out there in the dating field. When I first became single last year I went through a series of phases. First I was like, "WHATEVER THERE'S ALL THESE OTHER GUYS!" Then I was like, "OH MY GOD I'M PARALYZED!" Then I was like, "I'M GOING TO BE ALONE FOREVER!" Then finally I was like, "WAIT…IT'S GOING TO BE FINE!" And now I feel like that Donna Summer Song…"I FEEL LOVE!!!" Maybe you won't feel like flirting with people all the time, and that's fine. You're allowed to have "off" days. Be true to where you are, never give up, and work on yourself everyday. You are worth it!

Now for the Flirting Formula according to me:

FLIRTING= 5 F's: Fun, Fearless, Fleeting, Flowing, Flaming

1. FUN-- Remember that flirting is FUN!

It will only feel like hard work if your heart is not ready to be easygoing with a stranger. When you've done the work on yourself to feel free from the heartbreak of past relationships, flirting will be FUN. Relax, share a few laughs, and get to know someone new.

2. FEARLESS-- Shed yourself of your excess baggage and let yourself be who you are NOW, not who you were in the past.

You've done the work on yourself, now xWORK ITx! Try not to over-think the situation. You overcame your heartbreak because you HAD to, and now you are FEARLESSLY moving on to someone new. Don't be attached to the outcome. The point is that you are FEARLESS enough to approach someone. Feel proud of yourself for flirting with someone who you have no history with. You will feel liberated by the freshness of this interaction!

3. FLEETING-- Let go of the expectation that every person you engage in flirting with will be your "next relationship."

There is a difference between flirting and loving. Not everyone you flirt with will be the love of your life. You will have an easier time talking openly if there is no expectation. It's just a fun, light, sexy way of communicating with drama!

4. FLOWING-- After letting go of any expectations, you will find that flirting will just flow out of you.

It's all going to come naturally once you're letting it FLOW. Letting it FLOW means accepting that flirting is like a river: Sometimes it'll be smooth sailing, sometimes there will be rapids. Either way, rest assured that you'll always stay afloat if you're having FUN, feeling FEARLESS, and letting this FLEETING flirtation FLOW!

5. FLAMING-- Lastly, just fan the flames and let them BURN BABY BURN!

Let it all go! Laugh louder! Smile bigger! Feel sexXxy! Flip your hair! Or if you're a dude...I don't know, what do dudes do when they're flirting? Throw all their $100 dollar billz on the bar!!? Really let yourself've made it this far! If the person you're flirting with hasn't looked at you like you're Frankenstein and walked off yet, that's a good sign.

In the end, let your new self become awakened. Let the flames burn throughout your body. Let yourself bask in the warmth of another person's attraction for you. Let yourself GLOW!