Dear Totally Nights,
I sincerely hope this column is better than your cooking one, as that not only read like a bad parody of Hipster Runoff but actually caused me to gain some weight. What credentials do you have (besides being semi-famous for being in some band) for writing a love column anyway? I guess I should stop questioning you and give you some kind of sob story.
As a teenager and young adult girls used to always seem to fall in love with me, but I could never love them back for whatever reason (partly because my heart had previously been broken, and maybe because I’m a narcissist). However, now that I’ve reached my quarter-life crisis I am looking for love, yet all I seem to be able to find is lust or girls who are only tricked into relationships by sociopaths. What advice would you give to someone who is shy but picky yet wants to find a girl to help motivate him? I mean I guess I don’t really need one, but it would be nice.
— Surviving Twenty-Five
Dearest Surviving Twenty-Five,
It’s wonderful that you are expressing your desire for a relationship. However, it will be challenging for any potential partner to get through the steel walls you have built around yourself over the years. Women weren’t designed to tear down a steel wall using force. Women were designed to nurture, communicate, encourage and love. That warmth from a woman can melt any man’s steel walls.
I totally hear the frustration in your voice… trust me I can relate! I am single right now, too. Every day is a different struggle, but also an opportunity to further my relationship with myself before I am ready to start a new one with another man. In the wise words of the New Radicals, “Can’t forget, you only get what you give.” If you start your conversations with HAWT GiRLZ the same way you started your letter with me, then there is a 100% chance you are going to make that girl feel bad about herself and she will reject you. In turn, there is a 100% chance of you feeling bad about yourself after being rejected.
To break that vicious and lonely cycle, you’ve gotta have better game. Start owning the fact that you want to share your life with someone. It’s not a sign of weakness to recognize our needs. It’s a sign of strength! I feel that by letting another person get close to you, you are revealing your heart to them — scars and all. It shows a level of acceptance of where you are in life now and how your past has brought you here.
Give yourself a moment to reflect on where you’re at. Breathe in the courage to accept that man. Now exhale any negativity you have been holding onto. You can be your own motivation, Surviving Twenty-Five. Hitting your Quarter-Life only feels like a crisis if you haven’t been doing what you want to be doing.
Girls will fall in love with you when you show them love. They haven’t been “tricked into relationships,” they have chosen those relationships. There is absolutely no reason to point fingers or blame them for not choosing you. Instead, be proactive by asking yourself these questions:
- Am I doing something continually to cause this pattern to keep occurring?
- Is there anything I haven’t worked out yet from past relationships that could be stunting my ability to attract healthy relationships?
- Am I unintentionally emanating an unattractive quality that is repelling people or attracting the wrong kinds of people?
As for my “credentials,” I don’t have any professional psychological credentials. Nor do I pretend to. But I would like to think I have the credentials of a well-wisher, so I have offered you this advice from personal experience and reflection. Being single is what you make of it — either a total nightmare and purgatory of desperation :/ or a first-class ticket to understanding yourself better and landing in someone’s arms! :) So use this opportunity to shed yourself of past shackles and fly to a brighter future!