Dear Totally Nights,
I am a “straight” girl. I made out with one girl one time, during a frat formal in Reno in college. It was awesome. I am curious to hook up with a girl, because none of my straight relationships have seemed fulfilling enough. Girls rule. Even though I am outgoing, I haven’t been successful in this female-frolicking quest (life and OkCupid). I feel like I should stop talking about this and just do it, but I get cold feet. How do I muster up the nerve to take the plunge?
–Frisky in Frisco
Dearest Frisky in Frisco,
There is so much “I kissed a girl and I liked it!” floating around these days. There’s even a term for college-aged girls who kiss other girls in bars and clubs seeking the attention of men: a “Barsexual.” The fact that you still think about your college experience of making out with a girl at a party while most other girls don’t think twice about their experiences makes it seem like you’re ready to explore! Once you fully accept this decision in your heart to take the plunge, you will start to notice opportunities everywhere. My mom tells me “thinking, feeling, willing” is the order of which intentions become a reality. When you first started thinking about hooking up with a girl again, you started feeling like you wanted to try. Now the question is, are you genuinely willing?
You said yourself that you are outgoing… so don’t give any more energy to having “cold feet.” The more you talk about this opportunity and let the idea build in your head without actually acting on it, the bigger and scarier it’s going to seem. You are just trying to explore these feelings for girls that you’ve been harboring since college. Who knows, maybe you’ll discover that it actually isn’t for you! Maybe you’ll feel like the female anatomy is too dark and mysterious like “WhAt’S EveN uP TheRe???” and you had it so easy with the dudes’ anatomy like “Here ya go! I’m up for grabz!”
But who knows, maybe you’ll discover that it was the most fulfilling decision you ever made in your life.
So get out there girl! You already know that you “kissed a girl and you liked it” back in college. But you’ve graduated past that! Now it’s time to tell the girls “Come to my window”!!!! X
Dear Totally Nights,
I have this really awesome girlfriend who’s just left on tour for the first time. She’s gonna be gone for THREE WHOLE WEEKS! That’s probably the longest we’ve been apart in our whole relationship so far. How do I balance being a good boyfriend and staying in touch, while letting her get sufficiently lost on the roller coaster of bouncing show to show every night?
— Joe in the Barn
Dearest Joe in the Barn,
In the wise words of Sugar Ray, “We’re on this roller-coaster ride, hold on I’ll stay here by your side.” Y’all are simultaneously going through the Ups, Downs and Loop de Loops of being separated by tour, but are experiencing the ride totally differently! What is important is that you stay supportive of each other throughout these three weeks.
I’ve been in your girlfriend’s shoes. I was involved in a film shoot in Estonia last year with very little opportunity for communication with my boyfriend at the time. I loved him dearly and missed him, but if I focused on that instead of losing myself in my new surroundings, then sadness would have held me back, I would have never acclimated, and therefore would have never fulfilled the job I was there to perform. Similarly, your girlfriend is on tour and getting “lost on the roller coaster.” Let her do her thang!! Total immersion is necessary for her to give 100%. Trust that her actions are appropriate to her surroundings and current situations. She is such a badass for being on tour! And lucky you, she’s your Girl!
As far as staying in touch on your end, I would keep it light. She has a million and one things going through her head everyday such as “Where will we sleep tonight?” “Is there ANY OTHER COFFEE SHOP beside Starbucks for the next 250 miles?” “Is that me who smells teRRible?” “Did I seriously forget to pack underwear?” “What time is sound check?” “Why did I just eat that ENITRE bag of Cool Ranch Doritos?” “Does the venue have Internet?” In other words… her main focus on the road is SURVIVING. The things she needs to hear from you in order to SURVIVE are “I love you” and “I’m happy for you.” It is very difficult for a woman in love to know that her Man is going through hard times and there is nothing she can do to help because she is a thousand miles away.
I have also been in your shoes, Joe. And it’s not easy! I remember feeling helpless when previous boyfriends were on tour and I was left in New York City thinking, “Is he alive? Is he not calling because he’s talking to some skank??? Am I even preTTy?? Has he updated his Facebook status?! Should I update mine to something FUN?!”
Communication from both parties is essential to keeping a relationship alive on tour. Otherwise, someone ends up feeling left out, insecure, confused, neglected, or unloved. You can’t control the fact that she’s on tour, but you can control how much you let it affect you. She is doing her thang, so you should take advantage of this time without her to do your thang! Maybe that means BBQing with your dude broz, starting a new band and writing songs about missing your girlfriend, joining a gym to surprise her with a HAWT NEW BOD, drinking wine in the bathtub… ANYTHING! You are also on this roller coaster ride, so make the best of it and smile for the camera ;) What goes up must come down, and at the end of the ride, you will both be thrilled that you made it through together.