Hive Five: Un-punk Ramones Merch

Ramones bobble head toys

The fine folks at FUNKO have added another couple of bricks to the already towering cultural edifice that is the Ramones’ legacy by announcing their Johnny and Dee Dee Ramone bobblehead dolls this week. Classically attired in their trademark black leather jackets and ripped blue jeans, the late punk pioneers peer out from their patented Prince Valiant haircuts with an appropriate amount of intensity, despite their tendency toward wobbling craniums. While we applaud this latest development in the widespread dissemination of first-generation punk imagery, and would happily have these handsomely appointed figures adorn our own desktop, we couldn’t help wondering what was lurking in the farthest-flung reaches of Ramones memorabilia that might be somewhat less in line with the spirit of Forest Hills’ favorite sons. Turns out, it's quite bizarre.

1. Ramones flip-flops

Anybody who knows anything about the beloved barons of the Bowery knows that there’s only one kind of footwear that’s acceptable in a Ramones context: sneakers. Preferably Sperry (for old-schoolers), Converse, or Pro-Keds, and definitely ones that look like they’ve been on the wearer’s feet since about seventh grade. An exception might be made for the occasional pair of boots, just for variety’s sake, but that’s about it. While we can’t prove it, and most of the original band members are unfortunately unavailable for verification, we’re pretty sure any Ramone seen sporting flip-flops in public would have gotten the tar kicked out of him by his brethren.

Ramones flip-flops

2. Ramones stash tin

We’re not saying that none of the Ramones have ever indulged in the magic herb – after all, Dee Dee himself was busted for possession of that very same item back in 1990. But let’s face facts – the sound of the Ramones in full effect is not exactly the sort of thing that inspires the desire to toke up and mellow out like some tie-dyed stoner at a Phish show. To be brutally frank, if you were able to fill up one of these 4 ½” X 3 ½” tins with the kind of contraband one truly associates with a Ramones-style pace, you’d probably be pushing up the proverbial daisies.

Ramones stash tin

3. Ramones air freshener

Look at any picture ever taken of the Ramones -- any era, any lineup, onstage, backstage, on the street, anywhere. Take a good look. Do those guys seem like they were ever surrounded by fresh air? Do they look like they’d ever even breathed oxygen free of carbon monoxide, tobacco smoke, stale beer, or a variety of other natural and unnatural pollutants? Now imagine the tour bus they flopped their sweaty selves into for weeks at a time when they were on the road -- an air freshener probably would have instantly incinerated upon contact with the band’s toxic ecosystem.

Ramones air freshener

4. Ramones scented candle

If the true olfactory essence of the Ramones is some combination of the odoriferous elements mentioned above, is that something you really want to create within the comfort of your own home? And if it is, couldn’t you just stick your head in the dumpster behind the nearest dive bar for a few fetid moments? Still, putting one of these at the dinner table is an guaranteed conversation piece.

Ramones scented candle

5. Ramones doggie sweaters

All we can say is when Joey sang, “I don’t want to be buried in a pet sematary [sic],” this is probably just the sort of thing he was afraid of.

Ramones doggie sweater