Hive Five: Blowfly's Tips for Wooing Women

[caption id="attachment_13413" align="alignnone" width="640" caption="Blowfly performs in New York City, January 1991. Photo: Catherine McGann/Getty Images"][/caption]

In 1971, Clarence Reid was already a prominent R&B songwriter when he adopted the alter ego Blowfly, a foul-mouthed character whose sexually explicit songs and outlandish costumes both enthralled and disgusted audiences. With a combination of classic song parodies and original tracks, Blowfly’s sing-rap style, recorded years before Sugarhill Gang’s “Rapper’s Delight,” laid the template for hip-hop and influenced everyone from Chuck D to Ice-T to Red Hot Chili Peppers.

One doesn't interview Blowfly so much as just be on the other end of a nonstop torrent of X-rated songs and jokes. Questions are mere arbitrary strings of words that temporarily break up the dirtiest singer on the planet's endless medley; a barrage of parodies lampooning everything from "The National Anthem" to Lionel Richie. Many of Blowfly's songs and presumably apocryphal, yet hysterical, encounters with other singers are unprintable, but let's just say self-love, rotten fish comparisons and bodily fluids get mentioned often. With tonight's release of the documentary The Weird World of Blowfly, we asked Reid for some pick-up tips to smooth out our game. We can't print 90% of what he said, but the cult singer was able to draw on 72 years of knowledge to help us out.

Editor's Note: Where "women" is bracketed, Reid had used "bitches."

1. Use a Gentle Pickup Line

Blowfly advises using the sweet approach before the dirty talk begins. "You start off by going up to a girl and being like, 'I don't know who you're here with, but he ain't treating you right. You're supposed to be worshiped and kissed and handled gently. Never mind. You don't want to hear that. Anyway, nice meeting you.'" They gonna remember that s***. You're gonna get a phone call later."

2. Serenade Her

It sounds like a simple idea, but Blowfly suggest going beyond just a standard-issue song. "I ran into Etta James one day and she was built nice," Blowfly recalls. "I said to her, 'Etta,' [to the tune of 'At Last'] 'That ass/is finally coming home/My masturbating days are over/once I get my hands on that ass/That ass is the only important issue/Make your tongue turn into toilet tissue.' She was on the floor rolling. If you give most people months to do what I do, they probably couldn't come close to doing what I do. I did it right off the bat. But anyway, you gotta sing to a woman. [Women] are suckers for that kind of stuff."

3. Put on Frank Sinatra

Blowfly is a longtime fan of The Chairman of the Board, especially the singer's 1957 romantic ballad "All The Way." Scratch that: Romantic ballad/sex song. "I love the way he was saying it in those words," Blowfly says. "People didn't realize how sexual that song was. He didn't mean 'all the way' so we can get married. He means f***ing."

4. Don't Rush

"You remember John Holmes?," Blowfly asks, not waiting for an answer. "He was the biggest porn star nationally and internationally. The good news is that he had a dick over 20 inches long. The bad news is the girl [arrives] in two seconds. You can't please the [women] in two seconds. You have to take your time. When you make love to them, start off gentle but then start to pound them."

5. Stay Clean

For Blowfly, there are inherent differences between the sexes when it comes to hygiene that must be addressed. (Note: Please address all hate mail to Blowfly.) "You have to keep yourself clean. A man can sit in a tub of gorilla s*** and polecat piss for a month, get up and take a shower and he'll be fine. But if your [woman] don't take a douche three or four times a week, then Satan will come up there."

The Weird World of Blowfly opens tonight in select theaters.