Doug Hyun / FX

The 23 Best 'American Horror Story: Hotel' Deaths, Ranked

You won't be calling these guys on their cellphones.

Even if you've never seen a single episode of "American Horror Story," you probably already know that a whole lot of people die on "American Horror Story." (It is, after all, a horror story.)

But even the nasty ghosts of "Murder House" and the serial killers of "Asylum" can't compete with the bloodbath that has been the series' fifth installment, "Hotel." With vampires, ghosts, and two bona fide serial killers (in two different decades) slicing and dicing innocent Los Angeles citizens week after week -- and that's not even mentioning the entire episode devoted to a dinner party between iconic real-life murderers, because this is a Ryan Murphy show we are talking about -- it's safe to say that "Hotel" has had the highest body count in the series' torrid history. (Even if some of them come back to life immediately as vengeful ghosts. Whatever.)

Some of these deaths have already been forgotten amidst so much carnage, but some of them will go down in the "AHS" history books for their creativity, their uniqueness, and/or their emotional depth. (Not really.) We've ranked our faves below; feel free to disagree -- as long as you don't bear false witness. You know what happens then.

  1. Schmidt -- err, "Gabriel"

    This death was memorable, but for all the wrong reasons. 2015 was a year where television and movies were forced (by viewers) to look long and hard at their cavalier treatment of rape, so starting of "AHS" with the brutal anal rape-slash-murder of a fan-favorite comic actor was just not a good look. At all.

  2. The LGBT-phobic businessmen
    FX

    Mess with Liz, and you deserve to get slaughtered by Lady Gaga. It's a shame their gory deaths didn't last longer.

  3. The contractor
    FX

    This death happened on the third to last episode of the season -- an episode that found itself trying to tie up some of the season's many loose ends -- to a character nobody cared about, but still. Burned alive for not completing an impossible task is just a cruel way to go.

  4. James March's BDSM sex toy

    Remember the time "American Horror Story" briefly became a "Saw" movie? It was a little much -- a lot much, actually -- but at least it let us know what type of man-boy we were really dealing with.

  5. The Wells family dog

    WHO KILLS THE DOG?! "American Horror Story," that's who.

  6. Claudia

    Having a bed monster-demon slaughter an iconic '90s supermodel in her sleep is just about the most Ryan Murphy thing to ever happen.

  7. The porn crew
    FX

    Watching everyone's sweet but kind of crazy Republican aunt Iris wax poetic about the porn industry -- how it hurts the sex lives of real women, basically -- and then slaughter a porn star and director was a nice touch. Didn't add jack sh-t to the story, but we're used to that at this point.

  8. Sally
    FX

    Watching Sally "fall" out of a window wasn't fun. Watching her make her teeth crumble at will 20 years later as a result definitely was, though.

  9. Shelly Johnson from "Twin Peaks"

    Anti-vaccine mom (real name Mrs. Ellison, says Wikipedia) was doomed from the start. We only cared because we still love Shelly Johnson and because, well, everyone hates anti-vaccine moms.

  10. James March

    Goodbye, James March. It's hard to rank you high up here because your death changed nothing -- you still kill people on the reg at the Cortez, after all -- but you get many bonus points for effortless brutality of your own demise.

  11. Will Drake

    This dumb-dumb had it coming for trusting The Countess in the first place. And of course, since he died in the hotel, he came back almost instantly. But still, bonus points for the gore, and the nightmare fuel that is getting stuck in a sealed-off hallway with a hungry Angela Bassett.

  12. Natacha

    Don't bring a knife to a gun fight.

  13. Rudolph

    Don't bring a sword to a gun fight.

  14. Swedish Tourist #2
    FX

    This Swedish Tourist didn't get the honor of being the first killed by Lady Gaga like her friend did, but she still went out in a pretty memorable fashion -- she was slowly bled out and fed on by vampire kids. Ouch.

  15. Numerous elementary school teachers and students

    After all of the underpaid crap teachers are going through in America right now, did we really have to give them one more thing, "American Horror Story?" Yes, we did, because this bizarre sub-plot of an entire grade of children becoming vampires on the same day and murdering their teachers was hysterical.

  16. Marcy the realtor
    FX

    Marcy's death was memorable because she A, survived the Murder House in one piece, and B, got eaten by 100-year-old starving movie star vampires as her reward. So now, instead of having to hang out with Tate and the Harmons for all of eternity, she's stuck with Sally, James March, Swedish tourists, and a whole bunch of other, far worse ghosts. Sucks, bud.

  17. Iris
    FX

    Poor Iris. Sure, she was even better an a pissed off vampire, but it still sucks that she had to go through so much pain before she died, I guess.

  18. Wall Girl
    FX

    Poor Wall Girl. We barely knew you -- in fact, you were nothing more than a flashback anecdote -- but your death sucked.

  19. Darren Criss/Hipster Couple

    They had it coming. They only had themselves to blame. And best of all, their final meal was cat food.

  20. The Foursome Couple

    They say less is more, but sometimes, they are wrong. We saw a whole lot of group sex scenes throughout "AHS: Hotel," but the first one -- the one that featured Donovan and The Countess slaughtering some outdoor cinema-goers in a choreographed routine, a routine that let us know right away that their insane sex lives were becoming dangerously predictable -- was undoubtedly the best.

  21. Tristan

    Every year, "AHS" has to have a fan-favorite actor die shockingly early on in the season. They often come back (as Finn Wittrock did, albeit with a different character), but Tristan's death was memorable, because it showed the audience that Lady Gaga's Countess was not a character to be reckoned with. Ever.

  22. Swedish Tourist #1

    Long live Swedish Tourist #1, who really just wanted to go on the "Fast & Furious" ride Universal Studios. Instead, she got fed on by a bunch of vampire kids -- and, unlike her friend Swedish Tourist #2, she actually showed her pluck with a heroic escape. This escape was cut short by Lady Gaga's finger-blade, but still. #2's death was a fun way to kick off a strange season.

  23. Lumbersexual Grindr hipster
    FX

    This might be a "controversial" pick since the lumbersexual Grindr hipster was only on the show for a few seconds, but his death was hysterical, and it totally captured the tone of what "Hotel" really was at its best -- a series about beautiful people disposing of Los Angeles hipster archetypes. Also, there was a real layer of tragedy to the whole thing, as anyone with a pulse would be excited at the prospect of a swipe-right match with someone as gorgeous as Finn Wittrock.