If you thought the oh-so-resourceful young Kevin McCallister would walk away unscathed after being burglarized while "Home Alone" in his ritzy Chicago suburb home and then accidentally left for the birds (er, bird lady) in New York City -- both on Christmas, no less -- you were wrong.
The elusive Macaulay Culkin, who has been keeping himself away from the spotlight throughout most of his adulthood -- but recently emerged in one of the most bizarrely awesome celeb selfies ever -- has come forth to tell the "to be continued" portion of his iconic character's story. And guys, it's not good news.
Turns out, all that activity does work on a kid's psyche and ability to form familial bonds and such. Adding that to the fact that he knows his way around a MacGuyvered-up series of weapons and was pretty messed up as a kid (this was a boy who'd, among many other things, BB-gunned someone in the face, blow-torched another dude's head, almost gave his pizza guy a heart attack and was more than delighted to think he'd evaporated his entire family with one wish) -- yeah, he's a pretty f--ked up individual nowadays.
In the inaugural webisode of a new comedy series called ":DRYVRS" (via The Wrap), Culkin portrays his character as a majorly damaged adult version of Kevin McCallister, and what begins as him filling in for his wife to give a stranger a ride ends in a creepy basement bloodbath after he's kidnapped a would-be carjacker.
But the real meat is in the middle of this sick sandwich.
Grown-up Kevin recalls his childhood trauma as follows: "How about this? It's Christmastime, it's f--king Christmas. And your whole family goes on vacation - whole family - and they forget their eight-year-old f--king son. Their 8-year-old son. All by yourself in the house for a week."
"I had to fend off my house from two psychopath home invaders," he continues. "I was just a kid. I mean, I still have nightmares about this bald weirdo dude chasing me around, talking like Yosemite Sam: 'I'm going to pull your fingernails out. I'm going to get you, you little scamp.' They don't even curse, calling me like 'louse' and sh-t like that. It's ... I don't even know."
"They remembered my bastard of a brother," adds the super addled adult Kev. (To be fair, he's right. Buzz was a wang.) "But they forget me, the cutest f--king eight-year-old in the universe. By far."
As for his mom? Remember how she was willing to sell her soul to the devil himself to get home to her son? And how she straight-up tried to bully an elderly couple into pawning their tickets for whatever jewelry she happened to have on at the time? Yeah, not the story he remembers at ALL.
"She didn't care, man. She was too busy being a groupie to a polka band or something like that. I've never even gotten the whole story. It's just that my house was such a f--king zoo, I couldn't even eat a piece of pizza without having to go to war or something like that," he remembers.
That's when things get extra berserk. Watch for yourself.