Annyong, hermanos! Like many of you, I spent the past weekend mainlining Season 4 of “Arrested Development” on Netflix Instant, and severely screwing up my sleep patterns as a result.
And like many of you, I wound up with a number of questions resulting from the show’s twisty, flashback-ridden structure and numerous loose ends designed to set up a movie, or a fifth season, or a SOMETHING. Don’t tease us, Hurwitz!
Luckily, I’m a huge “AD” superfan, and also extremely pedantic. Through careful mental notes and occasional trolling of message boards, I’ve compiled a list of many of the dangling plot points left to be resolved. There will probably be stuff left out. It’s just that dense.
31. What happened to Lucille 2?
30. Who put Herbert Love in a coma? Was it Buster with his hand, Perfecto with his plotting, or Gene Parmesan with a bowl of donkey punch?
29. Who will win the election, Sally Sitwell or Lindsay? Will it go better than when they were in school?
28. Will that wall get built or not? Does anyone know where the border really is, or did Buster also do some map-making while he was back in Army?
27. Will Maeby go to prison?
26. Will Tobias go to prison?
25. Will Buster go to prison?
24. Will Lucille go back to prison?
23. Will Tobias run off with Marky Bark, or go back and seek help for his acting addiction?
22. Or will he be able to beat the charges against him by claiming that the police sought to entrap an albino black man?
21. With Lucille 2 gone, will Argyle Austero seek to revive the Fantastic Four musical, and if so, will Marvel approve? Will we see a Lucille-inspired villainess in the Marvel comic? Paging Matt Fraction…
20. Why was George Sr. losing all his testosterone, and why was Oscar gaining it? Was there something in that lemonade Oscar never got to drink? Or was it because he was eating Maca root and not going to the sweat lodge, while Oscar was? (Oscar explained that the root plus the sweat lodge “gives you great power,” so exposure to some intense heat could result in a George Sr. in heat).
19. Why was Johnny Bark alive in that one scene, even though Marky Bark thinks he’s dead? Was it a case of taking advantage of face-blindness, or did G.O.B.’s bees result in his falling out of a tree?
18. Will Fakeblock take off or not?
17. Will George Michael be killed by Anonymous, or will they just have a woodblock jam session?
16. Will the movie about Buster get made? If so, will the money from from the Buster movie get Michael enough bank to get Argyle Austero off his back, and will Warden Gentles wind up writing the screenplay?
15. Will G.O.B. and Tony Wonder ever work things out or just wind up in a roofie circle? Those crazy kids.
14. Did Tony Wonder actually sabotage G.O.B.’s cave illusion? Was it Egg? Or maybe it was Plant’s dad, who was horrified at G.O.B. marrying Plain and stuck that cross in while he examined the cave.
13. Will the lawsuit for Fakeblock result in P-Hound getting back his 99 cents, times three?
12. Did George Michael knock up that Spanish lady or not?
11. Hey, remember those similar loose ends with Kitty and Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ Maggie Lizer on the old series?
10. Why did Steve Holt (STEVE HOLT!) look like he was 50? (We presume part of it was the show mimicking G.O.B.’s receding hairline; actor Justin Wade Grant was wearing a bald cap with wig).
9. Will Ron Howard throw down his support with George Michael for the heart of Rebel Alley, and will Rebel wind up filming a PSA about the dangers of dating fathers and sons?
8. Will Michael and George Michael reconcile, or will George Michael legally change his name to “George Maharis?” Will George Michael wind up changing his mind after finding out what the real George Maharis did with the real Perfecto Telles?
7. Why was the CIA investigating Imagine Entertainment? Did it have anything to do with the rogue CIA guy hanging with Tobias in that alley?
6. Did that bomb at Cinco de Quatro go off or not?
5. Will the Mongolians tear down Sudden Valley in their next act of retribution?
4. Will DeBrie ever find her way out of that debris?
3. Will the direction of Mark Cherry’s music change after his bee-encounter? And will we get an actual MP3 of his “Getaway” song, which was most catchy?
2. Will George Michael stay in Sudden Valley, and if so, what will he do with all those Twister sets?
1. DAMMIT, WHERE’S FRANKLIN?!