Earlier this week we linked to a petition from concerned American citizens who felt that our only hope of maintaining our national defense superiority would be through the construction of a real-life Death Star. Which is kind of a terrible idea, especially given the massive design flaw inherent in previous Death Stars allowing it to be destroyed by a handful of ragtag pilots as part of a so-called “Rebel Alliance.”
Well, Eddie Wright and I have some things from movies that we want to see in the real world, too. While he shot down my proposed petition for a government subsidy for The World Racing League, we nonetheless came up with a couple of ideas that the administration should at least think about.
Fund more research into the effects of gamma radiation exposure
Since 1962, the country–no, the world–has been subject to the menace of overgrown green monsters. Responsible for billions of dollars in property damage and the number one cause of injury to Norse trickster gods, the administration should at least take a strong look at studying the effects of these powerful and seemingly easy to access rays on brilliant scientists, their teen sidekicks, and domestic dogs.
Pro: No more Hulk SMASHED
Con: No more Hulk SMASH
Create a law making it illegal to reboot beloved franchises.
Hey, we get it–you want to put your own spin on the origin story of a beloved character, showing his or her hero’s journey over two and a half grueling hours. Well, it’s no fun for the rest of us, and we wish the government would do something about it before the inevitable 2016 reboot of the Batman franchise.
Pro: No more overdone origin stories
Con: “Ghost Rider 3”
Develop, control, and be nice to super-powerful psychics
Here’s a great idea: let’s pluck psychic powerhouses from their mundane lives, set them up in a idyllic community where we can observe them harnessing their powers, staff it with the finest teachers, scientists, and caregivers–the most important part–not have some sadistic lunatic heading the whole thing up or make it part of some nefarious plot to create an evil uber-being. This last bit never, ever, works out, plus they’re psychic, so it’s only a matter of time before one of them finds out.
Pro: Let’s exploded heads, people
Con: We’ll lose out on the infrastructure rebuilding jobs that come with fixing the shattered cities left when some kid goes full Tetsuo.
A project to develop miniaturization technology for the control of Nicholas Cage
In the late 90’s, actor Martin Short was a global menace, the threat responsible for the 1994 national nightmare that is “Clifford.” But for a brief period of time, he had a tiny little Dennis Quaid in him and it was glorious. We demand that a similar program be put into place whereby a tiny pilot, preferably Quaid again, is sent into Nicolas Cage’s bloodstream in a tiny vessel with the aims of controlling the actor’s every move for the rest of his life.
Pro: We may not have to endure “Ghost Rider 3”
Con: We may never get to see “Ghost Rider 3”
Skynet Computerized Military Defense Platform
The last month has shown how fallible our top military brass and spy chiefs can be, so why not just automate the whole process? It won’t sleep, it won’t bleed, it won’t rest, and it’ll never stop until its mission is accomplished. (Plus, I don’t think there’s any greater strategic mind than the A.I. behind a game of “Command & Conquer”)
Pro: It’s a super-smart computer–why would it ever turn on its creators?
Con: It’s a super-smart computer and at some point it might see the carnival scene from “A.I.”
The Zombies Don’t Run Act
Speaking of covert government programs, look we all know someone’s trying to cook up a plan to reanimate dead flesh, and it’s only a matter of time before that particular mistake slips out of a lab. Let’s just look at making sure it moves at a slow and steady three miles an hour.
Pro: Zombie’s won’t run! Plus, it’ll be much easier to get away. Also, more in tune with Romero’s original vision.
Con: Zombies can totally run if they’re diseased versus deceased. Solves nothing.
National Give a slasher a hug day
If there was one lesson from Rob Zombie’s “Halloween,” it’s that young Michael Meyers could have done with more hugs in his life. It might not have prevented him from becoming the unstoppable killing machine he morphed into later in life, but it wouldn’t have hurt. Or look at Leatherface–all he needed was someone to tell him he was handsome (and point all of that chainsaw love to creative woodworking). We propose that an initiative be funded whereby potential slashers get a regular or semi-regular allotment of affection.
Pro: Slashers are just misunderstood, unloved simpletons. Hugs heal.
Con: Huggers will most likely get slashed.
Release funding for project “Cloverfield”
When psychics and national security networks fail us, why not try the last, best hope of national defense: our own giant monster to rain down nuclear fire on our enemies? It’s pretty hard to plan a strategy around “giant hellbeast stomping around your cities like a toddler having a tantrum.”
Pro: What part of 50-story tall monster do you not get?
Con: Snotty young adults constantly following it around for their shaky, handheld camera documentaries
Devote government funds to finding “The One”
It’s pretty useless to find the god-like superbeing after the robots from our ill-advised Skynet program have enslaved us all. Why not jump on that right now?
Pro: A messianic leader will solve our problems and save us from our robot overlords
Con: He’ll probably be a bit of a douche