TV

Game of Thrones Recap: Valar Morghulis

by Brandon Freeberg & Charlie Norwood


These Na’vi hate life. Deal with it.

We’ve come to the end of the road for the second season of Game of Thrones. For those of you who were hoping at some point to see Robb Stark chop Joffrey Baratheon’s head off, you were probably disappointed. For those of you who were hoping to see Daenery’s dragons f@#$ up the people of Westeros, you were probably disappointed. And for those of you who were hoping to see Jon Snow be a boss beyond the wall, you were probably disappointed. But it wasn’t all bad! You have a new character to hate in Theon Greyjoy, you learned that shadow monsters lurk in the darkest areas of Melisandre’s nether regions, and most of all, you know that the Whitewalkers are coming, and they’re bringing winter with them.

And so, for the last time, we recap.

In King’s Landing everyone breathed a sigh of relief when they found out Tyrion Lannister is alive, albeit horribly disfigured. To take a glass half full look at the situation, his nose is more or less completely cut off in the book, so he kind of made out like a bandit here. The Imp also lost his Hand of the King title to none other than Papa Lannister, who now takes the job for a second time (he was The Mad King’s Hand as well). Based on what we’ve seen of him in the last few episodes, we figure Tywin’s going to be smugly strolling through town on that big white stallion of his while it drops deuces left and right.

The other big twist down south was that Margery Tyrell got her wish of someday being THE Queen after Joffrey’s council convinced him to dump Ol’ Fire-crotch Sansa Stark. Afterwards, Littlefinger goes in to schemer mode, promising Sansa he’ll get her home. Whether he follows through or not remains to be seen.

Up in the Riverlands the Jaime Lannister ’Coming Home Tour’ had it’s first big stop. When this series is all said and done, someone needs to go back and count how many throats got slit, cause Brienne manages to add two to the tally in the span of three seconds. And Jaime’s face afterwards was just priceless:


TOP. GUN. ACTING.

Back in Dragonstone, a defeated Stannis Baratheon goes all Wayne Brady and chokes out Melisandre because she failed to deliver his victory at the Battle of Blackwater. He backs off after, asking “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW!?” (we’re pretty sure you legally have to say that when you’re two-handed choking someone by the way) and Melisandre answers with, “He’s inside you.” We don’t really know what that’s supposed to mean but the ’inside you’ part is funny. Then Stannis and his Red Preistess wrap up their second season shenanigans by staring into a fire till they both ’totally see it, bro’ like a couple of stoned surfers on a beach.

Checking in with the other folks still in Westeros (that is, not north of The Wall or in the East) and it seems like they are all mostly faced with a similar choice: staying or leaving. Theon and his 20 Ironmen are trapped inside Winterfell, surrounded by 500 Northmen. Maester Luwin tells Theon to either escape in the night or take The Black and join the Night’s Watch. (Side note: it’s been a while since someone was told to ’take the Black’ and we’ve missed it.) Theon chooses to stay, and fight. Too bad his Ironmen don’t feel the same way because they knock him out cold, put a bag over his head and drag him out the gates of Winterfell for Roose Bolton’s Bastard of the Dreadfort to have some fun with.

Tyrion, after finding out he’s no longer the Hand, discovers Bronn has been relieved of his Gold Cloak duty, and that most of his hill people army have gone home, ie is advised by Varys, and Shae, to pack his bags and get the ef out because it’s really not safe. Like your Sister is legit trying to have you killed, not safe. But like Theon, Tyrion chooses to stay; he just loves the ’game’ too much. Good luck with all that, half-man!

Then there’s Bran and Rickon, they choose to leave their home. With Winterfell in ruins and Maester Luwin dying under the Godswood, Osha and Hodor pack the little princes up and head for The Wall hoping that Jon Snow will be able to help them.

Lastly there’s Arya. After escaping Harrenhall, she runs into Jaqen H’ghar on the road, who wants to take her to the Eastern Continent to teach her the secrets of his Red Lady god. Arya, like Tyrion, who is like Theon (still following?) also decides to stay, so she can try and find Robb and her mother, and Sansa too…. even though, ugh, she’s the worst. Jaqen seems a little bummed out about this so he gives her a magic coin, some magic words (Valar Morghulis, duh), and tells her that if she ever needs to find him, just give the coin to any man from Braavos and say those words. With that, Jaqen then shows Arya the true meaning of being a Faceless Man. This was cooler in the book but I guess they already blew their cgi budget. At least they kept it in!

Cut to the other side of the Narrow Sea and someone gets lit up by dragon’s breath. Daenarys heads to the House of the Undying in Qarth to get her children back, and long story short, Pyat Pree uses somes black magic on Dany, but she’s not having any of it so she gives the ’Dracarys’ command and Pyat gets barbecued. Afterwards she heads back to Xaro Xhoan Daxos mansion where she locks the ’King of Qarth’ inside his own, empty vault. Then Dany, Jorah and the remnants of her Khalasar loot Daxos’ crib while having a good laugh.

And so, just like last time, we close out this season North of The Wall. Qhorin Halfhand forces Jon into a swordfight so that Jon will have to kill him, thus ingratiating himself with the Wildings, hopefully enough to convince the King Beyond the Wall, Mance Rayder, that he’s officially forgotten his vows and become a ’free folk’. A big bummer though was that we didn’t get to see Mance in the finale and now that we’re thinking about it, has he even been casted yet? Lemme google that. And… nope, not yet. Brace yourselves, the blog posts about who the internet would like to see casted for Mance and the other new characters rumored to pop up next season are coming. The episode ends on what’s sort of the prologue from the next book, A Storm of Swords, with three horns signifying the White Walkers are coming. They really do look awesome, and we can’t wait to see what happens with them next year.

We just want to say book three is our favorite, so get ready for the s@#$ to hit the fan next season, frequently and violently.

Toodles!