Written by: Brandon Freeberg & Charlie Norwood
Oh, hey, sorry we missed last week (and that we’re late this week). We were off in the shade on vacay, making pina coladas pay the Iron Price. But we’re back and feeling refreshed, though we still haven’t gotten all the sand out from the wetness between our legs yet.
War is almost upon us in the Game of Thrones universe, and we’re getting a little antsy. Not a whole lot has been happening lately, but we know it’s all been a setup for the final two episodes (hopefully). Theon and his Iron Island posse are still hanging out in Winterfell when Yara comes rolling in, pissed off that Theon allegedly murdered the Stark boys.
Of course she’s her usual disrespectful self, but at the same time Theon’s an idiot and does things like kill all the ravens because he thinks that will stop people outside of Winterfell from finding out he killed the Stark boys. Which is like the Game Of Thrones equilvalent of trying to delete a mildly racist facebook status update you made after 6 pina coladas, but the internet never forgets. The actual Princes of Winterfell, Bran and Rickon, are holed up in the crypts below the castle with Hodor (Hodor!) and Asha. There’s supposed to be a couple more people down there with them, but they’ve actually rolled three characters into one with Asha.
Yara eventually does a 180 with Theon and pleads him to go back to the Iron Islands so he doesn’t die in Winterfell when Robb comes back. We’re off book here (a lot of this episode is suprisingly on-book, however!) so we have no insight on that front, but Theon’s sister in the HBO series has always seemed to be her Father’s daughter, cold hearted and distant (I mean, that business on the horse was some next level sociopath stuff), so it feels a little weird that she’s caring about his life now. Anyway, without getting into any more details we’d just like to point out that as much as people hate him right now, Theon’s life is on the verge of going to total s@#$ (obviously), but it’s going to get to the point where you might find yourself feeling sorry for him — so maybe that has something to do with Yara’s change of heart.
Jon Snow, the other Stark still in the North (the deep North) ain’t doing so hot either. Ygritte saved his life from the Lord of Bones (we promised ourselves we wouldn’t make an erection joke) but he and the Halfhand are in a little bit over their heads with the wildlings. We imagine though that Jon has to be close to meeting the King Beyond the Wall, Mance Rayder, which has us “amped” ’cause if the Lord of Bones looks the way he does (see below), Mance has to look insane.
Also still up north of the wall is Samwell Tarly, he’s on the Fist of the First men with the rest of the Night’s Watch, literally digging s***-holes, when he comes across a stash of of dragonglass (obsidian) weapons and a horn, wrapped up in a cloak from the Night’s Watch. This actually happens to Jon in the book after Ghost goes running off into the night, but it works with Sam cause he’s a huge nerd (in the book and the show) who reads all the time so he knows all the trivial things that we don’t have to know because there’s wikipedia. If they stay true to the book, we should get to see some pretty sweet battle scenes on the Fist in these last two episodes.
Meanwhile, Robb Stark is running serious game on Talisa when he finds out that his own mother has let Jaime Lannister escape with Brienne (in exchange Jaime has promised to return her daughters), and for that Robb has her imprisoned. This actually happens in book 3… but it does happen! Robb, in return gets down to making good use of the ’N’ rating on HBO with Talisa after hearing her story about renouncing her former privlidged life because she didn’t like the idea of living in a slave city (so bourgeoise…). Robb also decides to hell with his engagement to the Frey girl, he doesn’t care what his jerk mother thinks, he doesn’t need that stupid bridge anyway.
Back in King’s Landing, Cersei reveals to Tyrion that she’s found his bottom bitch ho, and will hurt f@#$ her day up in the event that he has Joffrey killed when Stannis lays siege to the city. Lucky for the Imp it’s only Ros, which I think we can all agree deserved to die last season, at the hands of Theon or some other scum bag.
One thing that really bothered us is how the show is portraying Tyrion’s plan for being being ready to throw down against Stannis. In the book, except for hoping Stannis’ army gives him a bit more time to prepare, Tyrion has got that s@#$ on lock, so we don’t know why they’re dumbing him down on screen. Anyway, from the ads, it looks like HBO has saved most of their VFX budget for the Battle of the Blackwater and when Tyrion plans to release his formidable stash of wildfire, aka “pig s***” things are going to jump up a notch.