Written by: Brandon Freeberg & Charlie Norwood
Last week we told you guys that if you haven’t started hating
Cletus The Slack Jawed Yokel Theon Greyjoy, get ready. See what we meant?
Anyway, at this point in the season, so much is happening on the show that doesn’t happen in Clash of Kings we’re basically out of analysis to give, but we think we’ve figured out what’s going on. This season is actually just a dramatic allegory of the ’Occupy Wall Street’ movement. Theon Greyjoy, acting as an entitled trustafarian who thinks he represents the 99%, has finally had it with those rich Starks up in Winterfell, so he “occupies” the castle, and then makes some confusing and pointless demands, like having everyone refer to him as ’Prince Theon’. So this #occupy metaphor is breaking down pretty quickly, but we’re sure some academic, with way too much time on their hands is already writing their comm studies dissertation on this subject. So, uh, let us lexus-nexus that for you?
Ignoring Maester Luwin’s advice to spare Ser Rodrik’s life, because Iron Island peer pressure from Dagmer Cleftjaw and the delicious tears of Bran Stark are impossible to say no to, it took Theon a good four sword hacks AND a boot stomp to get the old man’s head to come off. The newly anointed “Prince of Winterfell” is going to need to start working on his core if he wants to man up and knock noggins off in one swoop.
In Harrenhal, the illiteracy of Tywin Lannister’s war council has screwed him again. We really wish he went full blown Billy Madison on the guy and yelled out “T-t-t-today JUNIOR!”, but what are you gonna do? Then we have Littlefinger who is turning into Westeros’ version of Mr. Magoo, just stumbling around the realm until Arya Stark magically lands in his lap. So that big ass problem where he bald faced lied to Cat Stark? Solved! Next case. Granted, Littlefinger doesn’t actually do anything with this knowledge, and presumably he’s left Harrenhall in hopes that Arya will be safe there for a while.
Arya, preoccupied with getting the f*** out of there herself, steps up her mischief making but gets caught by Ser Amory with information that she shouldn’t have. Before Amory can go snitch on her to Lord Tywin, she finds Jaqen and sends the “master assasin” after him. In a scene straight out of the Ace Ventura 2 playbook he kills Amory with a poison dart to the neck. Amory is not the second person Jaqen kills in Clash of Kings, and he certainly isn’t that obvious about it either. At this point in the season we would let this diversion from canon slide but in the end of book two Amory actually dies when he’s thrown into a pit and forced to fight a bear! So if we don’t get to see some other jerkface Lannister knight die at the paws of a massive Westerosi Grizzly we’re done with this show and will spend our Mondays next season writing Twilight slash fiction, as opposed to only doing that the other 6 days of the week. Moving on…
Over at King’s Landing, Cersei sees Myrcella off as she sets sail to become a Martell in Dorne. Cersei, distraught over kind-of-losing her only inbred daughter, tells Tyrion that she hopes he loves someone one day and that she’s there to see that someone taken from him. Joke’s on Cersei though because this has already happened when Tyrion’s first wife was gang-raped in front of the entire Casterly Rock court. Just now realizing that’s not a very funny joke. Anyway, after Myrcella leaves, the royal procession is attacked by a mob outside the castle. Joffrey has his guards kill anyone in their way and amongst the chaos Sansa is seperated and nearly raped and murdered until the Hound rescues her. Tyrion is furious because if anything happens to Sansa he knows he’ll never see Jaime again. Joffrey doesn’t seem too concerned about that so Tyrion lays a mean open palmed slap on the boy, hoping to smack some sense in to the “vicious, idiot” king.
Up north of the Wall in the Frostfangs, Jon Snow and Qhorin Halfhand fall on a group of Mance Rayder’s scouts. Their quality steel makes short work of the be-furred wildings, that is until they realize one of them is a kissed-by-fire smoke show named Ygritte. Jon tells the rest of the Night’s Watch in his group to go ahead without him, he’ll kill the wilding girl, no problem, you can trust him. Would he lie to you guys, his brothers? Naahhh. So yeah Jon doesn’t kill her, Ygritte takes off running, Jon chases then catches her, but in doing so loses the rest of his group. They set off in search of Qhorin and the others but soon it’s nightfall and they need to sleep so we’re treated to some real hot Crow on Wilding spooning action. Too bad Jonny sucks at downstairs snuggle-bunnying.
Lastly there is Daenerys Stormborn, Mother of Dragons. Presumably! This story line is so far off the book at this point that we’ve just decided to sit back and enjoy the ride. But really quick: Dany is literally doing nothing in Qarth except trying to convince rich Qarthinians to hook her up with some soldiers and ships to go conquer the Seven Kingdoms with. It’s not working out so well because she: a) doesn’t have any money; b) won’t marry any of those rich dudes to get money; and c) won’t sell one of her dragons. But then someone kills what looks like the remainder of her Khalisar, including her sweet handmaid, and steals her dragons anyway. Bummer.