Game of Thrones Recap: Someone Important Died Finally!

Written by: Brandon Freeberg & Charlie Norwood

Jake Busey Says Hi

This season of Game of Thrones has been heavily focused on expanding the world of Westeros and beyond the Narrow Sea. We've met a ton of new characters so far, but surprisingly a lot of the old characters have done a good job at staying alive. That was until last night, when last week's cliffhanger (Melisandre's vagina shadow) crept into Renly's tent and drove a blade through his back, to the horror of both Brienne and Catelyn Stark. Huge plot twist, especially since it sounded like Renly was leaning towards making peace with Robb. Just a heads up from two guys who have read the books, don't expect anything you want to happen in this story to actually happen because George R. R. Martin will never do it. We won't elaborate on what we mean by that, but in a few years when the show is all said and done, you'll get it.


In the books it's not quite as clear what happens to Renly, even to Brienne and Cat who were in the room, because the shadow really seems like a shadow and not the Jake Busey wall monster from the movie The Frighteners like this one did. But on the plus side, we get that great reaction .gif of Brienne above (check the page for a smaller version ready to be posted when you accidentally read Avengers spoilers this week). However, they did stay true to the books when Brienne goes full beast mode on two of Renly's kingsguard right before her and Catelyn cheese it like they got caught by security spray painting a giant penis on the side of the high school gymnasium.

The following morning Littlefinger and Margaery (who looks like she's wearing a box kite for a dress) discuss with Ser Loras ways to get back at Stannis that don't involve them getting killed. At the end of the scene, Margaery shares with Littlefinger that it's her desire to not be just a queen, but THE queen of the Seven Kingdoms. We love us some good ominous comments, and that one was just loaded.

In Kings Landing, Tyrion and Cersei continue their little cat and mouse game for who is pulling all the strings behind the Iron Throne's curtain. After not being able to get a hint from his sister as to what Joffrey has planned for Stannis, the Imp turns to his cousin Lancel for information. We find out that the King is channeling his inner Beavis/pyro and loading up on wildfire. For those of you who don't know, wildfire basically is an oil that won't go out when it's lit. Like, not even when you put water on it.

Back in the Storm Lands, Davos is totes jeals that Stannis is going all "hoe's before bro's" on him with Melisandre. He manages to convince Stannis to keep the Red Priestess away when they go attacking Kings Landing, and is surprised to hear that he'll be leading the fleet into Blackwater Bay.

In Pyke, Theon continues to get shitted on by everyone, but in the process manages to put two and two together on the fact that Winterfell will not be very well guarded when they go to attack the Stormy Shore. If you haven't started to hate this guy yet, get ready.

At Harrenhall Arya is living the good life in being the errand girl to Tywin Lannister. Although this never happens in the book, we like this change because we're given insight on what's going through the Boss Lion's head. This is also where things really start to pick up for Arya. She has a secret conversation with Jaqen Ha'gar, who's joined up with the Brave Companions, and he lets her know that it was cool as hell to save him and the other two guys from burning alive the other night, but the Red God is a kind of bummed that he or she didn't get to consume their souls or whatever, so he needs to kill three different unlucky bastards, but Arya gets to choose which three, score! She starts with The Mountain's torturer, i.e. the creepy guy they just call 'The Tickler', and Jaqen Ha'gar obliges by throwing him off the side of Harrenhall. Arya stills has two more murders in her pocket, so leave your guesses in the comments as to who she'll choose then check back next week when we turn this column into a game of Westeros' Next Top Dead Piece-Of-S#!@ Creepshow

Lastly that brings us to Daenerys: She's livin' large in Qarth and FINALLY figures out that her stupid dragons will only eat cooked meat (fondue style), so she teaches one of them to breath fire over some raw steak, and I guess that one will just teach the others? Anyway, now that her dragons are eating, they will start growing, fast, and that leads to some real fun times. At then end of the episode Dany meets a warlock, Pyat Pree, who invites her to the House of the Undying for what will most certainly be some freaky Eyes Wide Shut orgy action. I mean, just look at this dude, there's no way any party he throws or attends will end well.