Written by: Brandon Freeberg & Charlie Norwood
Well we made it through another Spring Sunday and if you’re reading this that means two things: One, you probably survived some torrential rainfall (it was really coming down shadowcats and dire wolves in NYC, are we right?) and two, we ’received’ a new episode of HBO’s Game Of Thrones where characters corrected each others’ pronunciation and grammar, and the show producers ’corrected’ George R.R. Martin’s apparently too straight forward plotting. And that’s weird, because what happens in the books still happens (like the big things), they just keep changing how those big things happen, and we’re not sure why. Anyway, let’s see where we’re at after the fourth episode from Game Of Thrones Season 2, ’Garden Of Bones’.
First up is the King of The North (The King of The North!) Robb Stark. This episode starts off with Robb’s defeat of Stafford Lannister (Lord Tywin’s cousin who had been raising a new army since Jamie’s defeat). After the battle Robb is wandering through the field and comes upon a (smoking hot) Lannister medic attempting to amputate an injured soldier’s foot. The medic proceeds to give Robb a lesson on the pointlessness of war, to which Robb responds with a very mature, “You started it!” Robb then finds out she’s from Volantis (one of the free cities) and we’re not sure why this piece of information is important so we’re going to guess that she’s a time traveling Arya come back to warn Robb about something using only parables, because that could happen, right? That’s going to be weird because you could tell Robb definitely saved a mental jpeg of her (blood covered and all that) in his spank bank.
Further south in King’s Landing we catch back up with Westeros’ favorite sadistic psychopath, Joffrey Baratheon, AKA the Throne Game Patrick Bateman. Joff Tha Boss is upset about his cousin’s defeat at the hands of Robb Tha Wolf and is obviously taking it out on Sansa in front of the whole court. He has Ser Maryn of the kingsguard strip and beat her, but not in the face because Joffrey, “…likes her pretty.” But right before Maryn goes full Chris Brown on Sansa, Tyrion walks in, with Bronn following closely, and puts an end to the show. For some reason Maryn thinks it’s a good idea to call Tyrion an imp to his face, Tyrion responds by telling Bronn to kill Ser Maryn if he opens his mouth again. I think so far the best parts of this season all consist of Tyrion telling Bronn to kill someone, they’re just having so much fun with it.
Bronn thinks the problem with Joffrey is that he’s just ’backed up’ and no, not with fecal matter, though that too probably, so Tryion arranges to have Ros and another girl waiting in the King’s chambers. And what does Joffrey do with this new company? He does what any teenage boy would do, he gets super embarrassed and runs right the f out of there! Just kidding, he does what no other teenage boy does and has Ros beat the literal f out of the other girl. Now this doesn’t happen in the book at all, but we think Weiss and Bennioff are really trying to hammer home just how f’d up in the brain Joffrey is, and holy s#!@ are they doing a good job of that…
That brings us to Renly, Cat Stark, and… Littlefinger? Last episode we saw Tyrion tell Littlefinger to go meet with Catelyn Stark and offer her an exchange of prisoners, Jamie Lannister for Sansa and Arya. That scene doesn’t happen in the book but it’s not that far off so we didn’t think much of it. But now this week we see Littlefinger actually at Renly’s camp, talking with Renly, Margaery Tyrell and Cat Stark about this proposed prisoner exchange. In the books Littlefinger would be too smart to think he could just roll through Renly’s army with no problems. But we guess because they’ve already gone this far, they have Lord Baelish actually tell Cat that Arya is safe and healthy in Kings Landing. This is insane and is the kind of stupid lie that Littlefinger would never make because there’s no way it doesn’t come back to bite him in the ass. We really don’t know where the show is headed with this character but he’s basically just been reduced to lying (poorly) through his teeth and threatening to expose homosexual and/or incestuous royalty. He’s like a Mean Girl.
This is a good segue for our next point: so much of this show is just about dumb people in powerful positions attempting to stop others from finding out about their sexual deviancy. But it’s not like there’s any videotapes out there, or Facebook, or d*** pics on Twitpic. It’s just one person threatening to tell another person. If there’s no physical evidence, why does anyone care? As long as you don’t get anyone preggers, you’re good. And how hard is that? We’re not sure what kind of Westerosi birth control is out there, but they’ve got to know about ’pulling out’ by now, so there really is no excuse.
Anyway, we’ve digressed a little here so let’s check-in with Arya, Hot Pie and Gendry. The trio have been captured by The Mountain and are currently spending their days watching people get tortured to death by Cole Hauser in 2 Fast 2 Furious. Finally Tywin Lannister shows up and puts a stop to the all the rats in buckets. He also realizes that Arya is actually a girl and puts her to work as his cupbearer. None of this happens in the show the way it happens in the book, but there are so many small differences that we’d basically have to transcribe entire chapters and this post is already way too long as it is. So we’ll just keep it moving.
Same thing with Daenerys. Her interaction with the Thirteen outside of Qarth was laughably bad, specifically the way the smug prick doing all the talking first calls Xaro Xhoan Daxos by his full name. Why not just refer to him as Xaro, or have Xaro give his full name while introducing himself to Dany? Clearly the writers of the show couldn’t think of a way to introduce him better and gave us this crap. So far they have made pretty significant changes to minor details in Daenerys’ story. But why? They haven’t saved any time, or introduced any fewer (or is it less?) characters. At this point all these changes seemed to be based around Dany’s dragons, and the fact that they are still very small and useless. That’s not the case by this point in the books, and it’s something they’ll obviously have to address in the show soon, so it’s weird that they keep putting this off because it’s forcing them to rewrite entire chapters that otherwise wouldn’t need it.
Lastly, and speaking of ’pulling out’, let’s talk about Davos Seasworth and Melisandre. For readers of A Clash Of Kings, an actual visual version to the ending of last night’s episode has been long awaited. We still remember re-reading the scene to fully grasp the fact that Davos Seaworth was witnessing the smoke monster from LOST climbing straight outta Melisandre’s va-jay-jay. It definitely ranks up there as one of the bigger “WTF???” moments of the series. Makes you wonder what else the red priestess has got hiding in there. Some possibilities include:
– A baseball glove
– Fruit snacks
– Baby formula
– A fake mustache
– Lana Del Rey
– Cream cheese
– The flux capacitor
– Bendy straws
– Double stuffed oreos
– Season 2 of Rome
– KC masterpiece Lays potato chips
– The bass player from Korn
– A hoodie
– Sunny delight
Put your suggestions in the comments below for what you think should have crawled out of that dark abyss. We’ll pick our favorites and have a good laugh around the office thinking about them. See you guys next week where, fingers crossed, things really pick up with this shadow demon character because right now he’s really feeling kind of unnecessary, we think.