Written by: Brandon Freeberg & Charlie Norwood
Much like Obi-Wan and Yoda giving advice to a young Luke Skywalker, elders were dishing it out left and right in last night’s episode of Game of Thrones. From Lord Mormont with Jon Snow, to Maester Luwin with Bran, to Yoren with Arya, the teachers were giving the students a real what’s what on life. It makes you think that when the show finally comes to an end, there’s going to be a scene where Jon, Bran and Arya are looking off into the distance at something like this:
First lets discuss Jon Snow and Mormont. After sticking his nose in Craster’s business, the wildling drags Jon into his keep while alerting Mormont that sleepover night is at an end, even though they didn’t have sliced oranges for dessert yet. The Lord Commander and Jon take things outside and have a compelling discussion on how to react to the “morally grey” aspects of life beyond the Wall, with a specific concentration in the area of baby sacrificing. A bewildered Jon goes on to explain how he saw something take the baby and Mormont says that it’s going to be a re-occurring theme so he might as well get use to it.
In the morning, Night’s Watch sex addict Samwell Tarly abandons his “I’ve got no game” game on Gilly, and starts shooting from the heart, giving her the only token he has to remember his mother by. We think it’s a thimble, but to be honest we don’t have a f@#$ing clue. Regardless, it’s good to see Samwell coming out of his shell; like on the last day of summer camp when you finally get the courage to ask out your crush, and she says yes, only because she knows she’ll never see you again. You don’t care and even though you’re homesick and haven’t showered in six weeks you feel just like Sam did.
Back at Winterfell, Bran continues to “dream” through the eyes of his dire wolf Summer. When discussing with Maester “42 Chainz” Luwin, the old man whips out his link made from baller Valyrian Steel. By doing this, he means to show Bran that he needs to shut up and dismiss these dreams as nothing more than just that. This was one of our favorite scenes though. It more or less played out exactly the same way in the book, and makes us wish we had a nice old man to answer our questions and tuck us into bed at night.
Next Lady Catelyn Stark finally arrives at Renly Baratheon’s camp. It’s been said his army has been slowly on the move towards King Landing and this appears to be the truth as the group from Winterfell enters at the tail end of a fighting tournament. After busting out a powerful take-down on Ser Loras, the victorious knight lifts his helm to reveal that he, is in fact a she. That’s right, it’s everyone’s favorite smokeshow, Brienne “I walk like I have a d@#$ between my legs” of Tarth. Seriously though, did anyone see how much taller she was than Catelyn when they were walking together? She and The Mountain need to have a kid, fast. Nothing else really happened here unless you count Anne Boleyn wandering on to the wrong set.
Back on the Iron Islands, Balon Greyjoy is still the worst father in Westeros. If Theon was getting bullied on the internet, Balon would show up on one of the bully’s webcams talking about how he’s going to backtrace Theon’s not-nearly-salty-enough tears; and then hack his Twitter and post a bunch of racist s#!%, just to be sure. Anyway, Balon and his daughter
Asha Yara let Theon know they’re about to pull anchor and attack the North while Robb Stark is heading South to fight the Lannisters. Yara will get 30 ships to siege the castle at Deepwood Motte, while Theon gets one ship, the “Sea Bitch”, to go fight fisherman and raid the Stoney Shore with. Theon reacts as he always does, with insolence, but a firm backhand from pops Greyjoy sets him straight, like it would any toddler.
For a moment, it seems like the constant humiliation at the hands of his true family is too much, and Theon writes Robb a letter warning him of the impending attack but he ends up burning it. He then pledges his loyalty to the Drowned God and gets baptized by his uncle Aeron Damphair (damp hair, lol). The Drowned God baptisms in the show are a pretty standard, born-again type thing; you stand in the water and some preacher pours water over you to wash you of your sins or whatever. But the baptisms in the book are much more savage; the preacher just straight up drowns you, and if you come back, then you’re baptized, and possibly invincible (because what is dead may never die).
That brings us to Tyrion, the biggest half-man in all the realm. Even though there’s a war going on, Tyrion, intent on not going out like the last two Hands of the King, is busying himself cleaning house on the small council. Last week we saw him pull a fast one on Janos Slynt, not too difficult, he was just a cop after all. This week Tyrion outs Cersei’s inside man on the council by telling Maester Pycelle, Varys and Little Finger that he’s planning on marrying off Marcella Baratheon/Lannister to the Martells, Theon Greyjoy and Robert Arryn, respectively. All Tyrion has to do after that is sit back, relax, and wait for Cersei to come threaten his life like he just cut her in line at Wal-Mart on black friday (or some other offensive, women-be-shopping joke). And right on cue, Cersei comes knocking down Tyrion’s door, ranting and raving about how she’ll never let him marry Marcella to the Martells. So, Tyrion has his rat in Pycelle. He interrupts the good Maester while he’s with a prostitute so he can have Shagga, son of Dolf, cut off his manhood and feed it to a goat. Not really, but he does threaten to do that, because it’s hilarious, and because Pycelle just leaves his little eunuch making tools lying around for people like Tyrion to play with.
In the end Bronn just cuts off Pycelle’s beard and throws the Maester in a black cell.
The final scene of the show has Arya letting on to Yoren that she’s having trouble sleeping because she’s utterly mind f@#$ed. Seeing the chance to give out alcoholic uncle style advice, Yoren tells her a really neat story about how he avenged his brother’s death by lighting up the murderer’s skull with an axe. With all her worries now settled, Arya’s all set for bed when they hear the sound of horses outside.
Itching for a fight, Yoren wakes everyone up and alerts them that there’s doings transpiring outside. Apparently Tywin Lannister’s men have come to take Gendry, but find out they can only do it over Yoren’s dead body. Taking a cross bow arrow to the chest successfully initiates Yoren’s “Beast Mode”, and he goes on to murder several men before going out himself.
This entire scene is actually a combination of two or three chapters from the book, but we won’t harp on the change cause it was handled well. Arya’s tour of the Riverland’s is now making a new stop, Harrenhal!
Oh yeah, and Lomney got a sword in his throat. Swag.
And that’s all we got to say about that, until next week!