Game of Thrones Recap: Artery Nicks, Gross Chicks and Crying Tricks

Written by: Brandon Freeberg & Charlie Norwood

Another night of Game of Thrones and another night of HBO greatly deviating from the story line of the books.  We're not complaining (really, we're not), it's just we started reading the A Song of Ice and Fire books shortly after season one last year and seeing how they're all around a 1,000 pages in length, we wouldn't have wasted our time had we known that reading them wouldn't really give us any insight on the show.

Anywho, here's our recap of episode two, which basically is just a list of all the MAJOR changes to the story that have been made so far. This episode starts off where the last one left off with Arya (Arry) and Gendry on the road with the Night's Watch. While making camp, two members of the Goldcloaks approach looking for Gendry.  Some words are said, some feelings hurt, and all of sudden Yoren has his dagger drawn, ready to get all surgical on some leg arteries.  Since we first met him in season one, Yoren has been just a delight.  A grumpy, bitter, delight.

After a quick brush with the law, Arya spills the beans to Gendry about who she really is (because, ya know, women be talkin'), and then they both stare off into the distance like that one shot in Bad Boys (and Bad Boys II).

That scene was pretty accurate, but the next one isn't.

In the show: A message comes to Kings Landing from the Wall, warning of Mance Ryder and the dead rising; Tyrion shows geniune concern.

In the book: Alliser Thorne (the a-hole from the Night's Watch who has it out for Jon Snow) personally delivers the message to the council only to be mocked by Tyrion.

This actually would have been a great moment to keep, especially since Tyrion was great at pushing Thorne's buttons last season and we really can't get enough of his bon mots. But on the other hand, it makes Tyrion look like he's the only one who gives a s#!% about anything, and that's important to show, because it's kind of true.

Back up North of the Wall, Samwell Tarly and the other gents still can't keep it in their pants.

And then we meet Gilly, an about-to-burst-pregnant daughter-wife of Craster. Sam catches feelings, hard, and asks Jon if they can take Gilly with them because if she gives birth to a boy, Craster makes her eat it, or something! Well, that's not true, but she doesn't say what will happen exactly, leaving Jon all like, "No! GTFO of here with all that bulls***." and poor, fat, craven, Samwell Tarly to keep thinking he'll never lose his v-card.

Now that we got the Night's Watch update out of the way, you know it's time to see what's good in the red desert. Oh right, nothing.

And here's another pretty large deviation.

In the show: One of Daenerys' blood riders comes back sans body; his wife, or girl friend, or bottom bitch weeps.

In the book: All three of her blood riders return unscathed.

We're okay with this because death for the sake of death is just flat out cool!

It just sucks that they killed the Blood Of Her Blood's soul in addition to his body so he won't be able to join Gwenyth Paltrow in the night lands where we hear everything is organic and locally sourced.

Here's a friendly reminder from Theon Greyjoy to finish your drink.

Wow, does he have awful, AWFUL standards with girls.  He started the series respectable (by prostitute standards at least) with Ros last season, and in one single episode he proudly messed around with two chicks whose combined hotness score is probably a negative 3.  No surprise your father is ashamed of you.  We'll get back to this in a moment though.

Next we have Littlefinger, who's damn sure not going to be out-creeped by Theon in an episode. His girl, Ros, is having a little trouble performing after seeing one of Robert's bastard babies murdered right in front of her a week ago.  Lord Baelish "comforts" her by basically telling her to "walk it off" or she's gone.  We couldn't tell if Littlefinger was actually upset because Ros is costing him money or because her crying while with a customer interrupted his Peeping Tom time at the brothel. This scene doesn't happen in the book, as Ros is a character in the show only, so that's fine.

But it is also a good segue to the next scene, where Tyrion treats Lord Janos Slynt, commander of the City Watch, to a glorious feast right before letting him know he's not only being replaced by Bronn, but getting shipped out to the Night's Watch immediately. This goes down pretty much exactly as it does in the book. It was awesome then and awesome now.

Back on the Iron Islands, Theon heard about Littlefinger going for the creepy guy gold and is having none of it. He takes the first girl he sees on land and goes class-ring-deep on the ride up to the castle.

In the show: Theon is unknowingly getting all, umm, touchy-feely on his sister and she lets him ride all the way to Pyke with his hands down her pants. Gross.

In the book: Theon is unknowingly getting all, umm, touchy-feely on his sister and she repeatedly swats his advancing hands away.  Still gross, but not sociopathological.

Having a sex scene for the sake of having a sex scene is one thing. An incest scene for the sake of an incest scene is another. They really made the viewer "pay the iron price" on this one.

Now the moment we've all been waiting for: People's Champ, Davos Seaworth gets a couple pages of dialogue! He meets with the pirate Salladhor Saan to ask for the pirate's help in attacking King's Landing.  So it's actually just them talking and isn't that interesting but it's some important exposition they needed to get out of the way. Here's Davos and Salladhor talking about not-raping Queen Cersei after the battle is over:

Davos delivers the news about Salladhor's help to Stannis personally. Stannis is nonplussed because he can't feel any other emotions. Then Stannis and Melisandre try to figuratively f%#@ the world by literally screwing on a giant map-table of Westeros. And in a show where they actually use two people doing it doggstyle as a segue into two other people doing it reverse cowgirl, I don't think we need superfluous PG-13 sex scene shots like this:

This scene though is the perhaps the most ridiculous of the episode in terms of how it's different from the books.

In the show: Melisandre promises Stannis a son; proceeds to let him do her on the war table.

In the book: Stannis and Melisandre never explicitly get-it-in, but there is innuendo and other people discussing how they spend each night together.

Never though would the book have a conversation as basic as "I'll give you a son" and immediately jump into knocking boots.  This could have been done a lot better.

Finally, the last major discrepancy closes out the episode.

In the show: Jon wakes up at Craster's keep to see the lord of the house walking off into the woods with a baby boy.  Following him, Jon comes across what sounds like the aliens from the movie Signs, but turns out to be a White Walker.  Moments later Craster gets the drop on Jon and knocks him out cold.

In the book: Gilly explains to Jon that Craster offers his baby boys to the White Walkers.  Jon never sees Craster do this, nor does Craster ever attack Jon.

The white walkers, like winter, are coming, but they only appeared twice last season, so we don't see the need to force them into moments like this. It wouldn't be TV without a cliff hanger though, and because Jon getting cold-cocked by Craster never takes place in the book, we're just as curious as you guys to see what happens next. Well played, HBO.

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