Written by: Brandon Freeberg & Charlie Norwood
Game Of F****n' Thrones is back, y'all! It's been so long it seemed like the day would never come and we were starting to feel a little bit like Tyrion waiting to hear "I love you" from his Lord Father. Well, we made it and without further ado, we present our recap from the Season 2 premiere of HBO's Game of Thrones. SPOILER ALERT: We kinda loved and hated it.
Why the hate? Well, first we have to point out that HBO hasn't been a stranger to taking liberties with the story line of Game of Thrones. For example, Catelyn's scene last season where she's talking to a captured Jamie Lannister doesn't really happen until the second half of A Clash of Kings (book two), and so much s*** has gone down at that point, it's just a different conversation.
Where things of that nature happened here and there last season, Sunday night's premiere went a bit off the deep end. You could safely say at least 80% of what you saw either didn't happen in the book at all, or was briefly mentioned in passing between other characters. And it's because of this we're conflicted on how to feel. To its credit though, the premiere was classic HBO Thrones: Tyrion was on point. Joffrey was dripping with insolence. There was some random, borderline /hc/ (RIP) gratuitous sex, and some fun-for-the-whole-family baby killing.
After the jump we run down our favorite moments from the premiere.
If there were to be a Westeros version of a preppy frat boy/Bradley Cooper's character in Wedding Crashers it would be Joffrey. Did you see him try and kill Ser Dontos by having him funnel wine? Is there a frattier way to go out than chugging alcohol? What a pimp move by the most hated character in television.
Soon after that Tyrion Lannister shows up and in two short scenes drops a master class in facial acting. We've compiled Tyrion's greatest expressions in a handy grid. We actually printed this out so whenever someone asks us how we're doing we can just point to one of his faces.
Moving right along with our major character check-ins, let's see what's up with the little Lord of Winterfell, Bran Stark:
You know what's probably not that boring? Being a dire wolf, so shut up, Bran.
Hopefully something cool is going down on the other side of the Narrow Sea. Nope, Dany is still just wandering through the desert, losing followers and horses on the regular. Also, the interaction she has with Rakharo at the end of this scene where they stare into each others' eyes would lead us to believe there's something going on between the two of them romantically. This never happens in the book and it's small changes like this that have us a little confused/concerned as to where HBO might be going this season.
After a quick glance at the red comet in the sky it's clear we going to another part of the world (that editing technique isn't going to get old this season, no not at all...) and, take a drink, we're North of The Wall! We catch up with Jon and Sam outside Craster's camp where they get their first look at his daughter-wives. At first they are all like, "That's foul!" But then on second thought, it's been months since any of them have even seen a lady.
When we actually meet the daughter-wifing Craster, we realize that, yes, he does have the biggest balls in Westeros. Not only is he the only dude still just chilling North of The Wall and not heading South like everyone else, he keeps no men or sons around to fight for him, and he openly disrespects the Night's Watch to their faces.
So now that we're halfway through the episode, we finally meet Stannis Baratheon and Melisandre. They're in the middle of a religious ceremony on the beach of Dragonstone Island that gets interrupted by the aging Maester Cressen, who's old and no one takes seriously anymore.
Rebuked, Cressen decides the only course of action is the most obvious and inadvisable attempted poisoning in the history of forever.
Ah, so here's an example of where we think Benioff and Weiss got it right with their re-imagining. Robb Stark never gets POV chapters in the books, which sucks because we love that guy and his ever growing facial hair. So when we see scenes like him taunting Jamie, or Theon trying to convince him why they need the Iron Islands' ships, it's great because we're seeing development of a character we've always wanted to see get that treatment.
On the other hand, when you have Littlefinger making a veiled threat to Cersei (alone, surrounded by the Lannister House Guards) that is beyond out-of-character for him, we get kinda pissed. Seriously, you're going to have him be openly defiant when it's been set up this whole time that he's a behind-your-back schemer? Are we supposed to think Littlefinger is going to make a claim for the throne this season or something?
I hope you guys aren't sick of The Wire jokes yet because they are very easy and we don't plan on stopping anytime soon. And that's pretty much it for the premiere. Oh yeah, Robb sets SO MUCH in motion by sending a captured Lannister cousin back to King's Landing with peace terms that he knows won't be accepted. He then sends his mother to negotiate an alliance with Renly Baratheon in the South, and he has Theon head back to his homeland, the Iron Islands, to try and convince his father to join the fight because they'll need his 200 ships to siege King's Landing. All of this will definitely go according to plan and Robb has no reason to worry about anything, probably.
Speaking of King's Landing, let's see what the totally not-mad king Joffrey is up to during this unprecedented and volatile period in the realm. Oh, he's redecorating.
After insulting his mother and threatening to have her beheaded, the only thing left to do is have a good ol' fashioned bastard reaping! Cue montage of babies and tweens getting brutally murdered to the theme from Benny Hill. Man, that was great. See ya next week!