EDITOR'S NOTE: The following guest column was provided by comic book historian Alan Kistler, who never ceases to amaze us with his knowledge of all things comics. In order to determine the victor in in his "Last Man Standing" scenario, he painstakingly compared each combatant's powers, how they would interact with other combatants' powers, and each character's equipment, history and tendencies. Basically, he spent a lot more time thinking about this than you will spend reading it — so we hope you enjoy it!
The drinks have been served. The music is on. But this St. Patrick’s Day is different. This day, we find out which Irish superhero (or superhero of Irish heritage) will be the last man standing!
Molly Fitzgerald (a.k.a. Shamrock) steps into the battlefield. Born in Dunshaughlin, Molly is able to call on the spirits of innocent people who died in war and terrorist attacks. With their help, she is able to alter probability in her favor and cause bad luck for her enemies. As soon as she arrives, Shamrock is attacked by Daredevil (a.k.a. Matt Murdock), the Irish-Catholic vigilante of Hell’s Kitchen who's blind but compensates with the rest of his superhuman senses.
Daredevil throws his billy club with incredible accuracy, but to his surprise, it somehow misses his opponent. Daredevil then attempts a flying kick at Shamrock. Somehow his balance is off, and Daredevil winds up missing the mark entirely, leaving him open for an attack from behind as Molly picks up a nearby trashcan and bashes it across his head, knocking him out — all because of bad luck.
A second later, Theresa Cassidy (a.k.a. Siryn) of County Mayo arrives on the scene. Shamrock figures this will be no problem, but her powers are only good for a 20-foot radius and Siryn, who is a mutant blessed with sonic abilities identical to her dead father Banshee (the former X-Men team member), is an expert with long-distance attacks. Flying high above Shamrock, Siryn delivers a sonic cry from her lips that easily knocks out her opponent. Shamrock is down.
Siryn turns to see who else is around and just barely dodges a discus-like shield, the famous weapon of Steve Rogers, the Irish-American from New York also known as Captain America. Though he has no actual superhuman powers, Siryn is cautious because she knows that Cap is a super-soldier, biologically engineered to be as strong, fast and agile as a human being can be, and with expert skills in martial arts, acrobatics and military strategy.
Just as Cap’s shield returns to him like a boomerang, Siryn delivers another sonic attack. But Cap’s shield is made of a unique alloy called vibranium, which actually absorbs sound and kinetic force. Having rendered Siryn’s attack useless, Cap tosses his shield at her again and she narrowly dodges. But poor Siryn doesn’t realize that Captain America planned for this. The shield bounces off the side of a building, then ricochets off a nearby fire escape before it finally hits the girl from behind, knocking her out cold.
Cap readies for his next opponent, when suddenly the scene changes. He is no longer in a city street, but on a battlefield in the European Theatre, surrounded by Nazis.
Has he traveled back in time? Nope — it’s an illusion cast by Liam McHugh (a.k.a. Jack O’Lantern), a hero with mystical abilities. Despite being a great fighter, Cap is disoriented by the illusion that surrounds him and it becomes worse when his perceptions are clouded by fog and gouts of flame.
In just a few moments, he could get his bearings but it’s already too late. Jack O’Lantern flies onto the scene and uses both his momentum and superhuman strength to knock out Cap with a sucker punch.
Satisfied that he has won, the Ireland native dispels with his illusion and is eager to relax at a pub with friends. But suddenly, green chains appear out of thin air, shackling him. The chains have been created by the Green Lantern named Kyle Rayner, an American of Mexican-Irish heritage who wields one of the most powerful weapons in the universe on his finger: an Oan power ring.
Jack O’Lantern bursts out of the chains with his super-strength and fires a gout of flame at Kyle. Kyle blocks it by creating a green-shield. Jack O’Lantern flies up to deck Kyle, but the Green Lantern creates a green-skinned version of Conan the Barbarian and a green-skinned Tarzan, who both tackle Jack O’Lantern to the ground. Jack destroys them with flames and is ready to renew his attack when he’s suddenly encased in an air-tight green bubble. Before he can pull back his flames, the oxygen is all burnt up and Jack falls unconscious, unable to breathe.
And with that, Kyle Rayner shakes his head, amazed that this man thought he could take on a Green Lantern who's learned from Superman and Batman and helped save the universe more than once. With the fighting over, Kyle deposits Jack O’Lantern on top of the pile of unconscious heroes and then goes off to grab a Shamrock Shake before he meets up with his buddy Wally West at the bar.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day, people!
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