An Imagined Conversation About Marriage With Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie And Jennifer Aniston

Our close personal friend Brad Pitt is backtracking on some comments he made to Parade magazine about his relationship with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston. Per usual, people are dissecting his words and projecting their personal feelings about his divorce from Aniston and his relationship with Angelina Jolie onto his quotes.

Since we refuse to get involved in tabloid bulls**t and create more fan fiction out of a six-years-dead marriage (the more you know: Pitt and Aniston divorced SIX years ago), we decided to bite the bullet and call up Angie Jo and William Bradley for comment. (Note: We did not call Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.) Much to our surprise, Brad happily conferenced in Jen – they really do have an "important relationship," y'all – and we got the real story.

(We did not get the real story. All quotes are courtesy of previous interviews Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston have given on the topic.)

John Mitchell, editor, MTV Newsroom Blog: Hey Brad, how are you?

Brad Pitt, famously attractive actor: "I’m satisfied with making true choices and finding the woman I love, Angie, and building a family that I love so much."

Mitchell: That's great. What's the word, Angie?

Angelina Jolie, temptress, world-famous humanitarian, Oscar-winning actress: "I don't trust anyone." (source)

Mitchell: Girl, don't be like that! I imagine all this press is infuriating six years later. Do you need a hug?

Jolie: "I'm not a hugger. It's something that I have a hard time with. If someone hugs me, I hold my breath. Snuggling, cuddling, hugging, crying ... all that stuff makes me very uncomfortable."

Mitchell: Noted.

Jennifer Aniston, America's sweetheart, successful film actress, smartwater spokesperson: "Hello."

Mitchell: Jen! Thanks for calling in. How are things?

Aniston: "Am I lonely? Yes. Am I upset? Yes. Am I confused? Yes. Do I have my days when I’ve thrown a little pity party for myself? Absolutely. But I’m also doing really well." (source)

Mitchell: That's, um, good. So … let's just get right into this. Brad, care to clarify your comments to Parade?

Pitt: (sighs) "The point I was trying to make is not that Jen was dull, but that I was becoming dull to myself — and that, I am responsible for." (source)

Mitchell: So once and for all, the marriage just wasn't working, you and Jen get along fine and it was in everybody's best interest to walk away before things took a bad turn?

Pitt: "I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out. It started feeling pathetic. It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn't living an interesting life myself. I think that my marriage had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn't. (source) … Even then it doesn't mean that there was some kind of dastardly affair. There wasn't." (source)

Mitchell: For the record, you were in a weird place and you and Angie just happened?

Jolie: "I think we were the last two people who were looking for a relationship. I certainly wasn't. I was quite content to be a single mom. And then life developed in a way where we could be together, where it felt like something we would do, we should do."

Pitt: "What people don't understand is that we filmed for a year. We were still filming ["Mr. & Mrs. Smith"] after Jen and I split up." (source)

Aniston: [But] "There was stuff printed there that was definitely from a time when I was unaware that it was happening. I felt those details were a little inappropriate to discuss. That stuff about how she couldn't wait to get to work every day? That was really uncool." (source)

Jolie: "I didn't know much about exactly where Brad was in his personal life [when they met on the set of "Smith"]. But it was clear he was with his best friend, someone he loves and respects."

Aniston: "A man divorcing would never be accused of choosing career over children. I’ve never in my life said I didn’t want children. I did and I do and I will!"

(Silence)

Mitchell: OK. Um … Angie, have you and Jen even met?

Jolie: "I did [once meet Aniston], but it was not a proper meeting. We've, like, passed each other and said 'hi' briefly, shook hands. But not a real sit-down-and-talk kind of meeting. That would be her decision [for a long sit-down], and I would welcome it."

Aniston: [See...] "There’s a sensitivity chip that’s missing."

Mitchell: I can see your point, Jen, but it seems more like people are just really eager to read between the lines for a story that's just not there.

Pitt: "I mean, how many stories have you read that aren’t true, stories about me and Angie being married or fighting or splitting up? And when we don’t split up, there’s a whole new round that we’ve made up and we’re back together again! We’ll get married when everyone can. We’re not splitting up. And we don’t have a seventh child yet."

Mitchell: YET?! Is that a hint? A signal? Since we all know Angelina is far too thin to have another child herself, according to doctors who do not treat her, does that mean you are adopting? From where? Congratulations, guys!

(Aniston hangs up.)

Jolie: "I'm not a hugger."