Britney Spears’ ‘Hold It Against Me’ Inspires Our Inner Pickup Artist

On Monday (January 10) morning, Britney Spears officially began her campaign to reclaim the pop throne with the premiere of “Hold It Against Me”, a swelling, swaggering club track that’s just as loaded with rib-rattling electro whomp as it is, well, incredibly cheesy pickup lines.

It’s as if, in her time away from the spotlight, Britney has spent an inordinate amount of time hanging out in singles bars (or perhaps taken a few lessons from Mystery), as evidenced by the last-call desperation of lines like “If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me?” and “You feel like paradise, and I need a vacation tonight.” And while wordplay isn’t exactly new for Spears (who among us can forget the whole “If U Seek Amy” incident?), with “Hold It Against Me,” she’s taken the, uh, art form to new heights. Or lows. You know, whatever.

Anyway, the whole thing got us thinking: Why should Britney stop now? If she continues down this path, she can be a full-fledged member of the “seduction community” by the time her album drops. And so, to help her, we’ve come up with a list of other awful pickup lines that are just begging to be included in one of her upcoming singles. Read ’em and weep.

&#187 “Do you know karate? Because your body is really kickin.'”

&#187 “Do you clean your clothes with Windex? … Because I see myself in your pants.”

&#187 “My wife is dead.”

&#187 “Is your dad a terrorist? Because you are the bomb.”

&#187 “Would you like Gin and Platonic or do you prefer Scotch and Sofa?”

&#187 “Baby, I’m no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock!”

&#187 “I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.”

&#187 “Check out my T-shirt, it says ’F.B.I. – Female Body Inspector!’ Get it? What? No, I’m not actually a federal agent … it’s a shirt I got at Spencer’s at the mall.”

&#187 “Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see!”

&#187 [Weeping.]