Being that this is "American Idol," the results show — which could legitimately be only five minutes long — will run well over two hours. And being that this is Simon Cowell's final "Idol" episode ever, expect lots of celebrity cameos. (And when I say "celebrity," I mean Blake Lewis and Normund Gentle.)
Christina Aguilera and Enrique Iglesias are scheduled to perform (in honor of 1999, the year Simon first got his flat-top haircut), as well as our reigning Idol, Kris "Not Adam Lambert, The Straight One" Allen. There are plenty of rumored appearances, too, ranging from Janet Jackson to Hall and Oates. (Those greatest hits albums aren't going to sell themselves, now will they?)
But wait! There's more!
"Idol" finales bring back the entire Top 12 of the season, and often the singers get paired up with established acts, so congratulations random dude who hoped to see Paige Miles and Insane Clown Posse perform together. That day could very well be today. And Tim Urban and DeBarge? It wouldn't be the weirdest thing we've seen that kid do on the "Idol" stage!
Let's get recappin'!
(Read from the bottom up!)
10:24 And farewell, Simon! Thanks for being a part of a show that's brought me immeasurable joy (and the occasional headache). Looking forward to "X-Factor!" (I gotta pay my bills somehow, son!)
10:23 Thanks for reading (and watching) my recaps all season long, peeps! It's been an interesting one. We wish Lee and Crystal the best in getting their post-"Idol" careers going. And congrats to 19 Entertainment for getting the chance to represent yet another white guy with a guitar.
10:22 Sorry for running away. I just interviewed Bret Michaels!!
10:06 And this concludes "American Idol, Season 9: A Girl's Season."
10:05 So....Bret Michaels is in the press room and nobody cares about the results.
10:04 This is adorable. Lee got a personality transplant. Congrats, dude! Crystal is crying, but she looks happy for Lee. They really were buddies. Isn't it always great to see that?
10:03 A girl will never win "American Idol" again.
10:02 The winner is..............LEE DeWYZE!!
10:01 THE RESULTS ARE IN and they're being delivered by a British guy. Way to outsource, "AMERICAN Idol."
9:59 Paula Abdul is doing the press room! Whoa! I will get to interview her in a few. Do you think I'll get fired if I only ask her about "Touched By Evil," her (stunning) 90's Lifetime movie?
9:56 Not really.
9:55 Joe Cocker's still alive????
9:54 Lee and Crystal are duetting on Joe Cocker's arrangement of "With A Little Help Of My Friends." This is a zillion times more awesome than their overrated "Falling Slowly" duet.
9:53 Okay, "Idol" watchers, go to iTunes and download Sufjan Stevens' awesome (epic) album, "Illinois." You will not be sorry.
9:52 Sufjan Stevens' song "Chicago" is playing on the soundtrack. My mind is BLOWN. Dear "Idol," if you're going to have amazing taste in music for your taped pieces, why don't you have better song choices for the contestants to sing?
9:51 Seacrest: "But really the night is all about Crytal and Lee." Hahahaha, you sure about that buddy? We just had 45 minutes of a Simon Cowell tribute.
9:50 Dear Janet Jackson, if you go on tour I will pay $1000 to see you. This is incredible!!
9:49 She just rocked her bosom like nobody's business. If you listen closely, you can hear David Archuleta going through puberty backstage. (Kidding Archie fans. You know I love your manboy.)
9:48 Costume change! Enough with this ballad bullcrap. It's time for "Nasty Boys!"
9:47 She sounds amazing. She's passionately singing, "We've got to fix this! Fix this this minute!" Apparently, Janet wasn't feeling Season 9 either.
9:46 Janet has one of those telemarketer over-the-ear microphones AND a hand microphone. When you whisper/sing as quietly as Janet, I suppose you need extra amplification?
9:45 JANET JACKSON WITH A FIERCE NEW HAIRCUT! Someone in the press room just said very loudly, "Who is that?" Excuse me while I go punch him.
9:44 Siobhan is singing my favorite Janet Jackson song EVER. "Again." (Big ups to Tupac!)
9:42 Commercial break question: who do you want to replace Simon? (Psssst, say "Jim Cantiello.")
9:39 Simon was dragged on stage and delivered a very heartfelt speech. He tells America that we're the real judge of this show. #TheTruth except we don't get paid $950 million to do it. We pay with frustration and hundreds of hours of TV time.
9:37 SO MANY IDOL CONTESTANTS ARE ON STAGE RIGHT NOW I AM A MESS I CAN'T EVEN. I never thought the sight of Michael Johns would bring me to tears. I need therapy.
9:36 Every "Idol" winner is there except for David Cook. Poor guy missed the lovefest. (He's in Kansas City for a charity event, so don't hate, internet!) I'm getting emotional.
9:35 Kelly Clarkson!! Skinny Ruben!! Fierce Fantasia! Carrie Underwood! OMG!!!
9:33 Crap! The press room internet just crashed. Paula Abdul's been awkwardly talking for 15 minutes and I think the press room internet router jumped off a ledge to put itself out of its misery.
9:21 William Hung has joined the pant party. He's been eating well.
9:20 General Larry Platt is extending his fifteen minutes by performing a 25-minute "Pants On The Ground."
9:18 Matt Rogers is hosting the Lee DeWyze hometown party. "We beLEEve that Lee is deWYZE choice." Michael Lynche: this is your future.
9:16 Lee has loosened up a lot, and he sounds GREAT tonight.
9:15 Chicago, you've somehow made trombones less cool.
9:14 Chicago has 500 members. Does that make them the Broken Social Scene of the 70's?
9:14 Lee DeWyze and a band named after his hometown: Chicago! (Isn't he from Mount Pleasant? I guess that band was booked tonight.)
9:11 I have to say, I'm really enjoying the Top 12 tonight. This happens every season. As soon as the singers are out of competition and don't have to face the judges, they sound a hundred times!
9:09 Success! Bret's okay!
9:07 SWEET JESUS IT'S BRET MICHAELS! This could end one of two ways, either very triumphantly or "Idol" is about to emotionally traumatize a lot of young viewers.
9:06 Casey James is singing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Wait..... does this mean.....
9:04 "Idol" invited Kris back to give Lee and Crystal their new Fords, which were those custom design Fiestas they created in one of the early episodes. So keep your eyes peeled for a bright red sunflower Ford driving around Los Angeles, paparazzi! It's Crystal Bowersox!! (Although, will the paps even care about Crystal?)
9:03 Carrie and Kara co-wrote this song together! (It is way beter than "No Boundaries.")
9:00 Carrie Underwood, performing her new hit "Undo It!" If the chorus of this song isn't "Control Z, control z, control z" I'm gonna tune out.
8:58 Holy BoringTown! Michael McDonald proves that you don't need a personality to be a rock star. Season 9 "Idol's" there is hope for you yet!
8:55 Michael McDonald just showed up to the press room and they cut the audio to the Alanis/Crystal duet. Several of us very loudly booed, and then felt guilty because Michael McDonald was there on stage waiting to answer our questions.
8:54 ALANIS MORISSETTE! 11 year old Jim (and Vh1 Classic) is really excited right now. She changed the lyric of "You Oughta Know" to "Would she go down WITH you to a theater?" Doesn't have the same pizzazz as the original, no?
8:53 Crystal is singing "Ironic." I love this! She should change the lyrics to, "It was supposed to be a girl's season, but Lee DeWyze is going to win. Isn't it ironic?"
8:52 Janell Wheeler (remember her?) is hosting the Crystal Bowersox party in Ohio. She hosts as well as she performed on the Top 24 show. Suddenly I feel really good about my "Idol" red carpet live-stream.
8:49 DARYL HALL AND JOHN OATES! Fun fact: did you know that they hate being called "Hall & Oates?" They're like the opposite of Cher. "Our parents each gave us two names and you will use both of them or else!"
8:48 Casey and a very tan Tim Urban sing "Maneater" and the girls go wild! Big Mike and Aaron sing "Maneater" and the girls go to get a snack.
8:46 Lee DeWyze is singing "I Can't Go For That (No Can Do)" and sounds REALLY good. Andrew Garcia is singing "I Can't Go For That (No Can Do)" and sounds like a dying goose.
8:42 Ricky Gervais makes everything better! His video tribute is witty yet also sincere. It is everything "Parenthood" wants to be but isn't. (Although Lauren Graham, call me.)
8:40 Nope! She's belting and wailing and tearing up the stage.
8:37 Hell naw! Christina is singing some kind of bluesy ballad from her upcoming ballad. Except she's cooing the verses like Mariah Carey. Oh no, has Christina lost her voice, too??
8:36 ......................Is that it???
8:35 Christina Aguilera rose out of the stage like some kind of animatronic Disney attraction. "Gahh, the line on Splash Mountain is too long. Let's kill time at the Hall Of Divas."
8:34 Oooh, it's a Christina Aguilera medley! And Katie Stevens sounds EXACTLY like Christina Aguilera.
8:34 The Top 6 Girls are singing "Beautiful" and dedicating it to "Idol" bloggers everywhere. You are beautiful, ladies, no matter what we say.
8:30 Everyone's favorite rejects are on stage! I spy Normund Gentle! I spy that "I Am Your Friend" guy! I spy Ian Benardo! I spy Tatitana del Toro! I SPY THE BRITTENUM TWINS! Ian grabbed the mic and announced that he was having a "Kanye" moment. Except when Kanye rushed the stage, I felt bad for Taylor Swift. When Ian Benardo interrupted Dane Cook's lame song, I was elated. CUT TO COMMERCIAL. Wait, was that Ian moment unplanned?? The press room is perplexed. I won points for knowing that dude's name. **Takes a bow**
8:29 Dane Cook is performing a song comprised of Simon's best insults. You know the saying, tragedy is easy, comedy is hard. Simon is politely smiling.
8:28 Somebody stepped on Michael McDonald's crotch at the end. I think. There's no other way he could hit that note otherwise.
8:27 Ladies and gentleman, Michael McDonald!! Oh man, you know Taylor Hicks is sitting in the audience turning red.
8:25 Big Mike is killing it on stage singing The Doobie Brothers' "Takin' It To The Streets." I gave that guy a lot of crap for his over-the-top performances but it's perfectly suited for the "Idol" finale.
8:19 The remaining Bee Gees have joined them on stage! You guys, I am REALLY excited. So far, this is just like the Season 5 finale, where the veterans rocked out with the current Top 12. If Andrew Garcia and Paula Abdul don't perform together, THERE WILL BE BLOOD.
8:18 Siobhan and Aaron Kelly are belting "How Deep Is Your Love" as if they're in a Broadway musical about the Bee Gees. (That's not a slam. They sound awesome, and I for one would pay money to see that musical.) But oh, to think how filthy Adam Lambert could have made this song sound.
8:16 Our first video package of the finale. Anyone else feel like this clip reel feels like a DVD extra?
8:14 Good job, Kris Allen Band! The press room approved!
8:13 Kris is singing his new single, "The Truth." The truth is he got a haircut and looks like a newly-shorn little lamb. A very angsty newly-shorn little lamb.
8:12 Seacrest introduces our reigning "Idol," Kris Allen! And then proceeds to talk over the opening lines of the song. Hmmm, is Simon Cowell the audio mixer tonight?
8:11 Thank the Lawd for a commercial break. It was a mad dash getting set up down here in the press room. My red carpet live-stream was...interesting. Hope you guys who watched enjoyed it. To quote the season 9 semi-finalists, "I had fun."
8:06 And now the legendary Alice Cooper! He doesn't look half-bad for a 90 year old! Watch your back, Betty White!
8:05 The Top 12 are rocking out to Alice Cooper's "School's Out!" And a chorus of zombies are stomping down the stairs! They have more grace than Crystal Bowersox in heels.
8:03 Typical finale stuff - Seacrest introduces the finalists and each of them has a giant hometown. Proof that we'll never have an "Idol" from Guam.
8:00 Gasp! Just made it to the press room in time!! Sorry for the delay!