On Wednesday (April 7), a huge underground rap sensation debuted a brand new music video. No, it wasn’t Kid Cudi, Gucci Mane or Wacka Flocka Flame — it was Detroit’s own Insane Clown Posse, who dropped the clip for “Miracles,” a track that comes from their most recent album Bang! Pow! Boom!
The video is amazing for a handful of reasons. First of all, for a group as obsessed with violence, mayhem and nihilism as ICP, it’s a remarkably low-key, almost spiritual affair. The clip itself is sort of a psychedelic special effects extravaganza that is sometimes really literal (like when the boys are transported to San Francisco Bay to feed a pelican) and sometimes just confusing (anything involving that weird tower). But the thing that jumped out at us the most was the fact that most of the things Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J talk about aren’t really miracles (much in the same way that a majority of the things Alanis Morissette talks about in “Ironic” can’t technically be defined as irony). In fact, just about everything they talk about can be explained away, which is why we’ve parsed out the lyrics below. We don’t mean to take away the magic, but are committed to education.
A Million Stars
Yes, they’re amazing. But miracles? Hardly. Stars are actually just balls of hydrogen and helium, with a smattering of other elements (oxygen, carbon, etc) thrown in for good measure. They stay up in the sky because they’re slowly orbiting around the center of our galaxy. Oh, and for the record, there are actually something like 200 billion stars in our galaxy alone, and more than 10 sextillion in the entire universe.
Mountains, Trees and the Seven Seas
Mountains are formed when two tectonic plates collide, uplifting vast areas of land. Trees are formed from seeds. They have been around for some 400 million years. The seas were formed more than three billion years ago, and there are actually more than 100 billion of them on the planet. None of this has anything to do with magic (save for the ones that house the elves that make those cookies).
Hot Lava, Snow, Rain and Fog
Again, we’ll have to respectfully disagree with ICP’s assessment that any of these things are actually “miracles.” Lava is just rock made liquid (or molten) in the super-heated core of the earth. Snow is simply precipitation, caused when water vapor is deposited in the higher reaches of the atmosphere at a temperature of less than zero degrees Centigrade, and then falls to the ground. Rain is just un-frozen snow. Fog is a cloud in contact with the ground, forming when water vapor in the air begins to condense into liquid water. Al Roker understands all of this.
Long-necked Giraffes, Pet Cats and Dogs
We appreciate that Shaggy didn’t waste time pondering short-necked giraffes (called Okapis), because f–k those guys. Long-necked giraffes aren’t really all that miraculous, though. They’ve been on earth for about one million years now, and they’ve got just as many vertebrae in their necks (seven) as any other mammal. Oh, and while it might blow your mind to consider the family cat or dog, they’ve actually been domesticated since at least 7,500 BC. And you can win their affections with treats, for crying out loud.
The Sun, the Moon and Mars
To quote They Might Be Giants, “The sun is a mass of incandescent gas, a gigantic nuclear furnace, where hydrogen is built into helium at a temperature of millions of degrees.” Impressive, but not a miracle. The moon, while large (the biggest in the solar system!) is nothing more than a bunch of space matter formed when a large object impacted into the proto-Earth nearly five billion years ago. And Mars is just a geographically inactive planet. Big deal.
The Milky Way, a F–king Shooting Star
The Milky Way is a barred spiral galaxy, just one of billions in the observable universe. Oh, and the candy bar it inspired is far from miraculous. A shooting star is fairly common astrological occurrence, little more than the visible path of a meteoroid as it enters the atmosphere. It doesn’t appear as though a “f—ing” shooting star is any different.
Niagara Falls. The Pyramids
Niagara Falls was formed some 100,000 years ago, when continental glaciers drove through the region and carved out the Great Lakes and the Niagara River. Everything after that was just erosion. The first pyramids were actually created by the Mesopotamians, though they can also be seen in Egypt, Sudan, Greece, China and South America. While certainly a massive undertaking — the famous Giza Pyramids took roughly 20 years and 20-30,000 laborers to create — they’re not, you know, actual miracles.
Nothing miraculous here: Merely a meteorological phenomenon that occurs when the sun shines onto droplets of moisture in the earth’s atmosphere, creating a spectrum of light. There is no pot of gold at the end of it, either (though that would be pretty miraculous).
The Pelican at Frisco Bay that tried to eat your cell phone (and caused you to run away)
Pelicans are large water birds with distinctive pouches under their beaks. And the fact that it tried to eat your cell phone, Violent J? Not all that miraculous. A pelican at a zoo in Idaho did the same thing last year. We can understand why you tried to run away, though. Pelicans have been known to attack humans, though usually only Australian weathermen.
How do they work? Why, with a magnetic field, which is created by the movement of negatively charged electrons. Not to get all “scientist” on you, Shaggy (since those motherf—kers are lying), but that’s pretty much it.
A Solar Eclipse
Just an astrological phenomenon that occurs when the moon passes between the sun and the Earth. This can only happen during a new moon, when the sun and moon are in conjunction. At least two solar eclipses occur every year. And just to be thorough: “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” is also not a miracle, but in fact a hotly-anticipated film based on a popular book.
A Caterpillar Turning into a Butterfly
Also known as metamorphosis. When a caterpillar changes into a butterfly, it’s the end result of hormones being secreted by the larva inside a cocoon, which cause ’pillar’s organs to be disassembled and then remodeled.
Shaggy’s little boys looking just like Shaggy, Violent J’s little boy resembling his father
Seriously, this is just genetics. Through heredity (the passing of traits to an offspring), organisms acquire characteristics from their parent organisms. This is done through chromosomes and DNA. Though, to be honest, the reason both ICP member’s children so closely resemble their fathers could have something to do with the clown makeup, too.
While it’s true that both are scary, neither are actually miracles. There are some 40 different species of crows in the world, occupying all temperate continents (except South America). A group of crows is called a “murder.” Counting Crows are just a band. Oh, and ghosts? They might not even be real.