Dear Billy Corgan: We've Found Your New Drummer

Dear Billy,

So I heard you're looking for a new drummer. And in a manner befitting of a guy who called his last album Zeitgeist, you've taken to the Internet to find this person. This is a very big deal to me, as I have always been a die-hard Smashing Pumpkins fan (despite writing this column in 2007 ), which is why I'm here to help you in your search.

I don't know if you're aware of this or not, but there are lots of drummers on the Internet. And most of them are probably going to be emailing you their "resume, photograph/headshot [and] any music/audio showcasing [their] talents," like it says on the Pumpkins Web site. Most of these drummers are totally not fit to carry Jimmy Chamberlain's timpani mallet … amateur bashers who just want the fame and glory that comes with (maybe) playing on an upcoming Pumpkins' album.

But there are some who are worthy. And since I care so deeply, I've trolled through thousands of hours of clips to find five of them. After the jump, you'll find your next drummer. I promise.

1. omnip0tent1: Not only does this kid have an awesome YouTube name, but he's "been playing drums ~6 months" and he sort of rocks on "Bullet With Butterfly Wings." He plays in shorts, just like Travis Barker. Also, check out the sweet tapestry behind him. That should make him a mortal lock for the gig.

2. techfreakazoid: He looks like your accountant's son, he plays on an electric kit and he's not old enough to remember Adore. Sign this kid up immediately. At the very least, he can do spreadsheets for you.

3. Joshua Hui: The so-called "five-year-old rock star." He can handle business on "Sweet Child O' Mine." And he will totally up the cute-factor of the band, something that's been sadly missing since Melissa Auf der Maur departed. If he's late for practice, you could totally send him to time out. Could also take over some of the "on-stage temper tantrum" duty for you.

4. austinhostetter: As he puts it himself, "this is honestly the worst drum playing I've ever done, but I had fun." Ringo Starr has been getting by on this logic for almost fifty years now.

5. The Cadbury Gorilla: This dude is already an Internet sensation, and he positively kills Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight." Plays with passion, power and finesse. Also, let’s face it, dude, you probably need a simian in the band at this point.