It’s Tuesday night so that can only mean one thing: time to live-blog “American Idol!”
Tonight’s auditions are going to take place in Jacksonville, Florida, which means I will probably be accused of being “an elitist journalist” by a reader again. Apologies in advance, MTV.COM user “George.” It’s not my fault I live in New York City. (Or, uh, I guess it is?)
Before we get to the bad singers and cliche-laden Ryan Seacrest voice-overs, I want to give a shout-out to two MTV.COM commenters from last week’s “Idol” live-blog recap who made me happy.
The first shout-out goes to “Andrea,” who topped my “my uncles made a cult movie” dare by writing, “My cat’s cousin’s aunt’s ex-lover once dug through a trash can outside a 7/11 with Maru in Louisville. Beat that, MTV.” Andrea, you totally win.
And the second shout-out goes to “reneeden” who, in response to Kara DioGuardi acknowledging contestant Joanna Pacitti’s professional past, wrote, “Kara underwent a manual reboot after that system malfunction, I’m sure. Idol likes to keep major label skeletons (especially gems like Joanna’s ’06 debut) in the very back of their closet, buried underneath all the old Corey Clark CDs and Sanjaya’s faux-hawk. The girl’s pretty and has a good voice, but if Geffen Records and a feature in an MTV special (Anybody remember that? MTV’s First Year – talk about WOW. She even got to work with Linda Perry!) can’t make it happen, then I doubt Idol will do much more than cram her down our thoats until we want to spit her out with the not-quite-chewed remains of Kristy Lee Cook’s ’career’.”
Reneeden, you are so right! Not only was Joanna on that “First Year” special, but she was also featured on a “True Life” episode. So, does that mean we’re related somehow? I am SO pulling those tapes out of the library tomorrow.
Enough of this tomfoolery. On with the blog!
7:47 pm – This is our last week of auditions, thankfully. I don’t know how many more of these episodes I can take. You’ve seen one bad singer and/or mentally unstable social outcast…you’ve apparently seen Courtney Love perform live. Zing!
7:53 pm – I was hoping to take a new pic of myself (and the cats!) for the site tonight, but I came home to my Tivo not working and my digital camera battery was dead. I’m 99% sure that my wife is magnetic because every electronic item she’s touched today is on the fritz. Stay away from the laptop, honey! This is a loaner from MTV!
7:55 pm – Five more minutes…
7:59 pm – I know only people in the Tri-State Area can see this commercial, but aren’t these Mohegan Sun commercials mind-blowing?!
8:00 pm – Cowell and Seacrest are doing schtick in the back of a limo. That sounds way dirtier than it is.
8:01 pm – Things that make me happier than seeing Randy Jackson in Journey: nothing.
8:02 pm – Correction: Randy Jackson’s fluorescent palm tree shirt makes me happier. Or are those fireworks?
8:03 pm – Joshua Ulloa looks like Justin Guarini, is doing a fake harmonica thing like Taylor Hicks, is now beatboxing like Blake Lewis, and has a singing voice like Elliott Yamin. So…I’m in love? And so are the judges, who liked his “Let’s Get It On.”
8:05 pm – Sharon Wilbur brought her dog, Sasha, to the audition. Wouldn’t it be ironic if Sasha had a stage alter ego named Beyonce?
8:06 pm – Despite sounding like a squawking bird, Sharon gets a golden ticket! This happened because a) Simon was distracted by Sharon’s dog. b) Randy is distracted by Sharon’s hideous dress. And c) wait a second. Paula just jumped on top of Kara and fake-kissed her. Loopy Paula’s back, y’all! Cue the trumpets! Release the doves! Page Emilio Estevez!
8:11 pm – Seacrest is driving in the backwoods and just said, “Did you see a snake?” Somehow I feel like this isn’t the first time he’s uttered those words in a remote wooded area.
8:12 pm – Dana Moreno (any relation to Rita?) sounds exactly like Chaka Kahn…at the 2004 VMA’s. Yeesh!
8:14 pm – Oh no! My cable is on the fritz! It’s all pixelated and I can’t hear anything! OH NO!!
8:16 pm – I just missed an entire audition. Thanks a lot Cable Company who I will refrain from mentioning for fear of a lawsuit. (You’re welcome, MTV lawyers.)
8:16 pm -Julissa Veloz wants to be the first Latina American Idol. She already bought the tiara. And she apparently bought singing lessons from Shakira.
8:17 pm – Paula is talking like Miss Piggy and just ran off the set? I don’t get it. Nor do I get how that disaster just scored a golden ticket.
8:22 pm – Raise your hand if you are also creeped out by the Best Buy commercial where the Geek Squad dude keeps saying “60-incher.”
8:23 pm – Holy Vampire Weekend, “Idol.” Anyone else hear that Vampire Weekend track for a few moments? Crazy! John Norris must be so happy right now.
8:24 pm – Darin Darnell is a happy-go-lucky dude until he’s in front of the judges. And now he’s weeping. Kara just said they did him a “solid” for telling him that he’s not strong enough for the music biz. Kara, I’m going to do you a solid and tell you to wear more than just a bikini top next time you’re on television.
8:27 pm – Randy Jackson has a mega-fan named Samantha, who’s sitting on his lap. Paula takes the opportunity to get in Simon’s lap. And now Kara has a Seacrest on her lap. My cat, Moo Shu, is playing the home game of tonight’s episode and is now sitting firmly on MY lap.
8:28 pm – Naomi Sykes reminds me of Brooke White. In every way. Looks, personality and vocals.
8:30 pm – She’s crying after the judges ripped her a new one. So she’s about as stable as Brooke White, too.
8:33 pm – TALKING DOGS ALERT! TALKING DOGS ALERT! SPACE BUDDIES ON DVD!! NOW I KNOW HOW PAULA FEELS! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
8:34 pm – Kelly Clarkson alert! Sneak preview of her new music video tomorrow night on “Idol?” Great get, MTV! Whoops!
8:35 pm – Jasmine Murray has a large family. And her mom and her sister are in matching zebra print.
8:36 pm – Jasmine also sings through her nose. My head hurts. She’s cute, and can carry a tune (although, is there a more tuneless song than Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry?”) so she’s a lock for the Top 36.
8:38 pm – George Ramirez is a bearded physics major. I bet he’s an Animal Collective fan.
8:39 pm – Apparently he’s a Katrina and the Waves fan. “Walking on Sunshine” is a killer karaoke song. Too bad he sang like he was on Quaaludes.
8:40 pm – So…are we gonna see any good singers tonight?
8:42 pm – Is it just me, or are there way more fast food commercials now that the economy’s in the crapper?
8:44 pm – More annoying Carnival spokesperson: Kathie Lee Gifford or this water slide dude?
8:45 pm – Ann Marie is a brown-noser. “I love you Kara. Blah blah!” But she’s likeable and has an amazing voice. BUUUUUT, Simon’s not convinced that she’s a star. MAKEOVER TIME! We’ll see her try again later after she puts makeup on and acts like a diva… Pointless, because we know she’s going to get through. This girl has the best voice I’ve heard all season!
8:47 pm – T.K. Hash is back for another go-round after getting dissed last year. His soulful “Imagine” is a total David Archuleta rip-off. I predict he will be difficult to work with in Hollywood Week once they have to perform group numbers. Just a hunch.
8:52 pm – Do you think Joshua Jackson has met Suri Cruise?
8:53 pm – Michael Perrelli claims he never leaves home without his guitar. (He also never leaves home without a bandana, apparently.)
8:54 pm – He’s audition sounds like a Third Eye Blind stage show.
8:55 pm – I didn’t think he was that bad! 4 No’s? Really judges??
8:56 pm – Anne Marie Boskovich is back and put some eye shadow on. Her voice rules! I’m not feeling her cocky “sassy neck” move while she performs, however. But Top 4 for sure!
8:57 pm – She might have to change her name, though. Boskovich sounds too much like Blagojevich.
8:58 pm – What’s with all the judges hate on Rihanna’s “Umbrella?” Both Simon and Kara dissed that song during the audition. “Don’t sing that! Sing ’Bubbly.'” Since when did “Umbrella” become the new “Macarena?”
8:59 pm – Note to producers for next year… If you’re going to do a lame “everyone sings ’Walking on Sunshine'” montage, at least have the contestants sing in the same key. It’ll cut together much nicer.
9:00 pm – And tomorrow’s Salt Lake City. (So when’s New York? Did I audition for nothing??)
60 minutes of my life gone, and all that “Idol” has given me is Anne Marie Blagofjdiwowkdj. At least I’m rooting for her, even if she might have *some* professional experience in the past. (She performed a song on a straight-to-DVD “Little Mermaid” sequel. But who hasn’t?)
Any other singers tickle your fancy? What did you think of the zany antics of the judges tonight? And what was with that random weeping dude?? (Although, anyone who watched my latest “Detox” episode knows I can relate…)
I want to hear from you! Leave a comment below, and my favorite commenter will get a shout-out in tomorrow night’s Salt Lake City “Idol” live-blog recap. I’ll see you tomorrow! Safe singing!!