Another day, another “American Idol” live-blog recap. But with Tuesday night’s “Idol” premiere pulling out all the stops – what with Bikini Girl, Blind Guy and New Judge – how are they gonna top themselves tonight? Perhaps we’ll meet Naked Dude and Deaf Chick? Fingers crossed? Sigh.
In all seriousness, I was kind of underwhelmed by last night’s “American Idol.” I wasn’t blown away by anyone and wasn’t giggly from any delusional trainwrecks, either. The whole episode was just kinda…there.
But one thing saved the premiere from being a total wash: Paula’s Always-Changing eye accessories. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us in episode 2. Maybe she’ll wear blindfolds? Or plastic goggles that you’d wear in wood shop class? With Miss Abdul, you never know. Hence, the beauty of “American Idol.”
Before we get to tonight’s live-blog, I have to award my “Fave Comment” of the night from last night’s recap. It’s a two-way tie! Woo!
First comment award goes to felfel33, who wrote, “I just can’t wait until Scott Macintyre wins and drops the bombshell. Ten bucks says winning will ’cure’ him…” How cynical! Gold star.
The second comment goes to “do81” who kvetches, “Am I the only devoted Jim Cantiello fan who hates this new format? I used to watch American Idol JUST to read your re-caps the next day! I still think you’re hilarious but this does not showcase it good enough. Go back to the old re-cap format!” Let me address. First of all, do81, thanks for the love! Secondly, we’re trying out this live-blog format so that I can cover “Idol” as well as host my brand new daily webshow “MTV DETOX.” I just wouldn’t have time to do both. But fear not, my “Idol in 60 Seconds” recaps will be returning once the performance shows kick in.
In any case, it’s almost 8 p.m. and I’ve already written 9000 words so let’s commence with the live-blogging already!
7:52 pm – Eight more minutes. Anyone else see this report that “Idol””s ratings dipped by 10-percent last night based on 2008’s premiere? Does that mean I’ll be out of a job soon? Ack!
7:58 pm – So, apparently a finalist stops by to surprise Paula. Hmm… She has a restraining order against Corey Clark, right? I guess it’s David Cook. Kansas City is his hometown, according to last night’s teaser. If it’s not David Cook, maybe Mikalah Gordon wants some costume jewelry?
8:00 pm – Cecile Frot-Coutaz, I’ve missed seeing your name.
8:02 pm – Ryan Seacrest is pulling a 40 year old into his arms. He really wants us to know he’s straight.
8:02 pm – JASON CASTRO! Duh! I knew he was at the Kansas City audition. I think I need to revoke my Castro Fan Club card.
8:03 pm – Taylor Swift is now auditioning for “American Idol.”
8:03 pm – Her name is actually Chelsea Marquardt and she’s a very cocky 19 year-old. It’s Nilsson’s “Without You” as covered by Cher, sans auto-tune. Not a pretty thing.
8:04 pm – Simon says, “It sounded like a cat jumping off the Empire State Building, and the noise it would make before it hit the floor.” Or, Cher, sans auto-tune. Potato, potahto.
8:05 pm – Uh oh, Kara just used the “pretty girl” critique. Don’t become the new Paula, Kara! We already have one of those!
8:06 pm – Chelsea is very pretty. If reality TV stardom, she should go hang out with Tyra and take silly photos on “Top Model.” They’re always casting new girls. Aren’t they up to cycle 19 this year?
8:06 pm – Ashley Anderson looks like a Bratz doll. And she’s singing a song Simon Cowell co-wrote for Leona Lewis. Except she got the lyric wrong. “Footsteps in the sand” instead of “footprints.” Pardon her mistake, Simon. It’s hard to keep the cliches straight.
8:07 pm – She got four yes’s! And is now greeting her family in a warehouse. Where are these auditions being held?? Is David Chase producing this season of “Idol?”
8:09 pm – It’s another 2-hour episode? Lordy. I need a pee break already. (Sorry, TMI?)
8:10 pm – Who has worse hair: Guy Fieri or Jason Castro? (Sorry Castrocopia!)
8:13 pm – What in the David Cook? Why are they running an “Idol” promo during “Idol?” Don’t they know we’re watching already? PS – “Light On” grew on me.
8:14 pm – Everyone’s polite in Kansas City. Including Casey Carlson, who is total pop star! Is this entire episode going to be cute girls? Who edited this episode, Tim Kash?? She’s pretty, but bland, but likeable. Yay! Fashion victim, however: those boots do not go with that dress.
8:16 pm – Brian Hettler is “a big guy with a big heart and a big voice.” Imagine Baloo from “The Jungle Book” freak dancing, and you have Brian Hettler. OMG – he sounds like Cher, too!
8:18 pm – White boys in leather should never, ever sing Aretha. Simon’s ripping him a new one. Cue the Josh Groban. He sounds nothing like Groban, but remarkably, a lot like Clay Aiken.
8:20 pm – Montage of people crying. Rickey from “Project Runway” has nothing on these peeps.
8:20 pm – That was an intense “Coming Up!” I spotted Von Smith, that YouTube guy who “The Soup” mocked when he performed “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” on “The View.” I also spotted a guy who is crying because doctor’s told him nothing could be done. Wait, was my prediction that we’d get a deaf person correct? [On the edge of my seat!]
8:24 pm – Hey fellow New Yorkers: who else wishes Mother Nature would keep her damned “Arctic Blasts” off our turf? I hate when the weather reports make my nipples hard.
8:25 pm – David Cook’s parents just “randomly” stopped by to chat with Seacrest. Awkward. This season is just a giant promo for David Cook. Poor Archuleta.
8:26 pm – I am boycotting blogging until a contestant who isn’t trying to be bad is on screen.
8:27 pm – Von Smith!! He’s wearing a Jason Mraz hat.
8:28 pm – He’s
singing shouting “Over The Rainbow.” He’s also unhinging his mouth like a python. See you this Friday on “The Soup,” Von!
8:29 pm – Pop quiz! Who has worse hair: Jason or Brother Castro?
8:32 pm – Anyone else hear an Of Montreal song in that Verizon Wireless commercial? First Outback, now Verizon Wireless. Kevin Barnes must be rolling in it. PS – Pick up their latest album “Skeletal Lamping.” It’s mindblowing!
8:35 pm – Back to Von Smith. The judges love him. Claymates have a new voice to obsess over!
8:36 pm – It’s the Castro Brothers! Michael Castro is also bad at interviews. What do the Castro parents feed their children growing up? Michael Castro called his brother “girly!”
8:38 pm – Michael just started singing 20 days ago?! And now he’s putting some twang into a Gavin DeGraw song. Not so bad. Again, what do the Castro parents feed their children?
8:39 pm – Simon thinks he’s “goodish,” and Kara thinks he has “balls.” And now she said he’s “cocky.” What’s on your mind, Kara?! In any case, welcome to Hollywood!
8:41 pm – I don’t know what this mysterious illness storyline is going to be, but I can already tell I’m going to hate it.
8:41 pm – I don’t know what this “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” movie is, but I can already tell I’m going to hate it (when I’m forced to watch it on an airplane in 3 weeks).
8:43 pm – Commercial break pop quiz: what happened to Tim Roth’s career?
8:45 pm – I am actually kind of loving this Vaughn Banana Guy. Reminded me of Devo.
8:45 pm – Matt Breitzky is a welder who looks like a supersized Daughtry and has the same speaking voice as Taylor Hicks. His “Ain’t No Sunshine” ain’t so bad! His voice has some Sundance Head issues, though. Will he, like Sundance, turn red-faced and sweaty as soon as the semi-finals hit? Despite Randy’s “no,” he’s going to Hollywood. And they’re playing Daughtry! I wasn’t the only one who noticed!
8:49 pm – Yay Matt! I’m excited for him.
8:49 pm – Jasmine “Jazz” Joseph is your typical awkward rainbow-haired outcast who thought she might become popular if her classmates saw her on “Idol.” :/
8:51 pm – We’ve totally seen that loud cackler lady before. Wasn’t she on last season?
8:52 pm – Jessica Furney lives with her 93-year old grandma who is hard of hearing and takes “courage pills.” Insert Paula joke here. More importantly, Grandma Furney is my new obsession. And she has an adorable tiny dog. Grandma Furney for the win!! Maybe Arianna from last night can adopt Grandma Furney as a Grandfriend!
8:53 pm – Jessica is trying a Janice Joplin song, and she’s just okay. Oh no! Is this the last we’ve seen of Grandma Furney?
8:54 pm – Oooh, the judges like her. Thank the heavens. Can she bring her grandma to Hollywood Week?
8:55 pm – Coming up: rapping sisters! The suspense is killing me!
8:56 pm – Commercial break observation: Doesn’t Isla Fisher sound exactly like Bernadette Peters? Discuss.
8:58 pm – We’re reaching the halfway mark. Don’t we all have our “Idol” fix by now? I think they need to stop with the 2-hour audition episodes. Daddy’s tired!
9:00 pm – Rapping sisters time! Remember when Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito were twins? One’s a choreographer and one’s a “bodyguard.” I love them.
9:01 pm – They’re rapping about burgers and cookies and going to the bathroom and I AM IN LOVE.
9:01 pm – Asia McClain can’t sing but India Morrison has some chops. (They have different last names?) India’s going to Hollywood! Although I hope Asia is in the audience week to week. Asia and India are now greeting their siblings, Australia, Antartica and North America.
9:03 pm – Our next contestant is Jamar Rogers, a bartender who likes to shout. My cat is not amused. Nor are the judges. Except they’re giving him a ticket anyway? Whaa?
9:08 pm – Just saw my pic on mtvnews.com. I love that MooShu (my cat) is on mtvnews.com right now. Jim: “Kitty! You’re famous!” MooShu: “When are you feeding me?” Jim: “Sssh, ’Idol’s’ on again.”
9:10 pm – It’s time for emotional guy, Danny Gokey. His wife died four weeks ago. Whaa? I am totally weeping right now.
9:11 pm – He’s singing “I Heart It Through The Grapevine” and sounds EXACTLY like Jamie Lidell. Go Danny Go! Perhaps the most soulful white boy this show’s ever had? Sorry Elliott Yamin!
9:13 pm – Oh geez, I’m crying again.
9:14 pm – Bad girls montage. Meh.
9:15 pm – Anoop “Anoop Dogg” Desai is unassuming, but sounds amazing. Simon isn’t feeling the “geeky” look. I like Anoop! Whew, this episode is so much better than last night’s.
9:17 pm – “Signed Sealed Delivered” montage of bad singers. I’m only now noticing the backdrop the contestants are singing in front of. All the “Idol’s” are represented except Taylor Hicks.
9:19 pm – Correction: Taylor is on the backdrop, only he’s miniscule and relegated to the outskirts so you only see him in wide shots. Poor thing.
9:21 pm – KT Tunstall’s “Suddenly I See” is featured on a Chase commercial. Welcome to 2006, bank!
9:22 pm – Is it wrong of me to be excited for “My Bloody Valentine 3D?”
9:23 pm – Yikes, 4-minute commercial breaks? Is “Idol” on MTV now?
9:24 pm – Quick shot of Bikini Girl! Also a quick shot of a ventriloquist.
9:25 pm – Andrew Lang brought his own cheerleader squad. Sufjan Stevens pulled a similar stunt when he was on tour promoting his “Illinois” LP.
9:26 pm – He’s growling “My Girl” in several different keys. One of the cheerleaders looks like Maggie Gyllenhaal.
9:29 pm – Mr. Holland is a marching band teacher. His real name is Asa Barnes, and he’s singing “The Way You Make Me Feel” four octaves higher than Michael Jackson did. He’s through to Hollywood, and throughout this season every time I hear his name, I will think of this.
9:36 pm – The “Above the Influence” PSA is missing a big scenario in the “what has weed done for you” promo. In addition to leaving your ex-girlfriend 27 messages and lying to your parents, they don’t mention anything about finding deeper meaning in “Boobah” or anything Animal Collective has released.
9:38 pm – Back to “Idol.” Michael Nicewonder (great name!) is singing an original song about his dead mother? And now his dead grandmother? This is creepy.
9:40 pm – What’s with all the flies in the audition room? With HD, I can see the actual wing flutters!
9:41 pm – Denis Brigham looks like Chris Tucker with Whoopi Goldberg’s old hair. He sounds like John Legend sped up. We’ll see more of him in Hollywood.
9:47 pm – Dear “Hotel For Dogs,” why do you look like the best movie ever? Love, Jim.
9:48 pm – Grrr, another news weather report. “Bitterly cold.” Same thing’s been said about Victoria Bechkam, I’m sure.
9:49 pm – Mia Conley is a narcoleptic vision in fuschia. Note to self: if you’ve died your hair red, you cannot wear hot pink clothing and purple lipstick. Ever.
9:52 pm – Mia Conley, will you be my friend? Sassy!
9:53 pm – Last audition of Kansas City. (Whew!) Lil Rounds is a tornado victim. First of all, her name is phenomenal. Secondly, her voice is the one to beat. She’s like LaToya London with a personality!
9:55 pm – Okay, I’m totally crying again. Yay Lil Rounds!
9:57 pm – One of the people who received Golden Tickets? Michelle Williams. (The actress, not the Destiny’s Child reject.)
9:58 pm – Hold the phone… Is “Idol” airing next Tuesday during the Inauguration?! I am so mad at Fox right now.
9:59 pm – Oooh, they’re teasing Hollywood Week already? I am so in love with Fox right now. What a rollercoaster!
10:00 pm – That’s a wrap for this week’s “Idol.” So, thankfully we had a better episode tonight. Kara didn’t have much time to shine, but none of the judges really did. Tonight, it was about the talent, and I liked it!
But I wanna hear what you guys think. Did any early favorites jump out at you? Wouldn’t you just love to see Grandma Furney sitting in the “Idol” audience every week? And why didn’t producers kick off Season Eight with this episode instead? Hit me up in the comments below. My favorite comments will get a live-blog shout-out next Tuesday.
And join me next week with when “Idol” returns. Set up your laptops alongside mine and we’ll blog together. Until next Tuesday…