Kanye West Complains About Winning MTV Awards

Kanye West at the 2008 EMAsDear Yeezy,

First off, let me just say thank you. In these tough economic times, I can always count on you to help me fill my daily story quota and keep a roof over my head. And second, let me just say that you are an enigma wrapped in a conundrum and swathed in a layer of Murakami-patterned mystery.

After your stage-rushing MTV EMAs rant from a couple of years ago and, well, all your other awards-show flip-outs and boycott threats, I thought that it was losing that set you off. Now you've gone and flipped the script completely by ranting about winning! I'm beginning to think your whole career is one big performance art piece that we're just not hip enough to get.

Granted, I'm basing this suspicion on a report from the British tabloid, The Sun, which claimed that during a show at the O2 Arena in London on Tuesday, you slammed the winners' list at the recent EMAs. "Britney Spears over Rihanna? Are you serious?" you reportedly huffed, referring to Brit's wins last Thursday.

Then you ripped into 30 Seconds to Mars' wins. "I mean f---ing Jared Leto? He's my boy, but he shouldn't have won over some of those other artists." (I had no idea you guys were cool. Man, what's a night out with you two like?)

And then things got really nutty. "I won nothing last year, and I'd brought out 'Stronger,' " you apparently said. "Then this year, just because I was there, I won best urban act. This was Lil Wayne's year." Now, according to what they tell me — which, admittedly, is very little — the viewers voted on your Ultimate Urban nod over Wayne at the EMAs. And, yes, Leto happened to be the co-host of the show, but so what? It's not like the other co-host, Katy Perry, won awards that night too. OK, so she did, but that's not my point.

I'm just trying to figure it out and come to a resolution here. You're mad when you lose, but then you're mad when you win. But you're only mad when you win when it's in a year when you think someone else should win. How about this? We'll have a special hand signal (maybe something super geeky and science-fictiony, like that thing from "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" that they used to talk to the aliens), and if you think it's your year, we'll wheel out a second award and say it was a tie. How's that?

Just a thought.