My (Non) Interview With Oasis: A Timeline

On Wednesday, MTV News Editorial Director Robert Mancini moseyed his way into my office (this is not an example of literary flourish — he really walks like some sort of frontier sheriff or something — though, by “office,” I really mean “gussied-up broom closet”) and inadvertently set into motion a roller coaster of events that involved jangled nerves, heartbreak and the disappearance of one of the biggest rock bands in the world. All he did was ask me one simple question: Would I be interested in interviewing Oasis tomorrow?

Would I? Well, there’s certainly a lot to talk about these days. Not just their new album, Dig Out Your Soul, which is out next month and is already being hailed as a rocking return to their (What’s the Story) Morning Glory? heyday, but there’s also the recent onstage altercation between guitarist Noel Gallagher and a particularly fired-up fan in Toronto and their burgeoning beef with Jay-Z. On the other hand, I mean, it’s Oasis, and they would probably head-butt me or something. But, somewhat timidly, I agreed to the interview.

You can read what happened next — in timeline form, of course — after the jump:

Wednesday, 7:05 p.m.: I ride the train back home and begin to freak out in the way only music journalists (snicker) can — I frantically begin to wheel through my iPod to locate any and all Oasis. I am slightly discouraged to discover that I have only three albums (Definitely Maybe, Morning Glory and Be Here Now) in my collection. Though, on the other hand, that also means I do not own Standing on the Shoulder of Giants or Heathen Chemistry, which is most certainly a good thing.

Wednesday, 11:52 p.m.: I watch the Boston Red Sox lose to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays in 14 innings. I hate Carlos Peña.

Thursday, 9:30 a.m.: I am late for work. On the train, I attempt to “power listen” to the three Oasis albums I own. As it turns out, Be Here Now is even worse than I remembered. Those dudes sure loved long songs back then.

10:15 a.m.: I begin researching for the interview. I, of course, intend to ask about the Toronto incident, though I learn that since Noel isn’t going to be doing the interview, I face the very real chance of being stonewalled by a disinterested Liam. This makes me slightly terrified, so I begin to over-research. Oh, hey, look! Apparently a song on the new record, “I’m Outta Time,” features a sample taken from an interview John Lennon did two days before he was killed. That sounds interesting, I think.

10:30 a.m.: Everyone who has heard Soul seems to use the phrase “rocking” to describe it. The bandmembers themselves, in an interview with Q magazine, do the same, though, of course, it’s mostly Noel doing the talking. My mind begins to fill with images of me trying to coax a description of the album out of the reluctant Liam, only to have him punch me in the teeth while everyone else in the band laughs at me. My stomach begins to hurt.

10:45 a.m.: E-mail arrives — band confirmed for 30-minute interview from 12:45 to 1:15. I steel myself for the inevitable, like a man walking to the gallows.

12:11 p.m.: Suddenly, things get interesting. Oasis, it would seem, have gone off the reservation. “So … Oasis is missing. Really,” a frantic e-mail from our production team reads. Their reps can’t find them. Their other morning commitments have gone unmet. Updates are promised as the situation develops.

12:40 p.m.: Receive said update: “So they still can’t find Oasis, so the shoot is CANCELED.” Begin to be somewhat concerned about the well-being of the brothers Gallagher, until I realize they are probably just hungover. I begin to exhale.

1:30 p.m.: I finish exhaling. Am slightly bummed that the interview did not happen. Though also sort of relieved. Begin penning snarky blog entry about my ordeal. File piece. Go have lunch. Live to fight another day.

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