‘Project Runway’ Episode Three: Designers Who Don’t Listen To Tim Deserve What They Get

By Rya Backer

Hey guys! Hold on, I need to inhale and exhale deeply and maybe smooth on a face mask (what’s up, Jerell?) because last night’s episode was amazing. OK, no time to waste — the fashion show is going to start any minute! Here’s another installment of the ins and outs of “Project Runway”!

Stella Zotis: Naturally. I’d offer you her best quotes of the evening here (OK, fine, just ONE: “I’m rock and roll, so I’m gonna DIE being rock and roll” — please don’t do this any time soon, Stella Barbarella), but my Lady in Leather raised an important question last night. Stella thought that the evening’s activity would involve going to one of Tim’s favorite places in the city, and this got me thinking: Apart from driving his Saturn Sky Roadster to the Cloisters, where does Tim Gunn spend his time in this magical city? Thoughts, anyone?

Hair: The first thing that came to mind when I found out that the contestants would be going out in the rain was how elegant Tim looked even in rain gear. After I came to after slipping into that elegance-induced coma, Korto Momolu addressed the second thing that came to mind. If I had to brave such elements during a challenge, I don’t think I’d be able to concentrate on anything other than my mane morphing into a giant ball of Jair.

Jumpsuits: Korto made one, and she KILLED IT. Then again, she could’ve made a jumpsuit out of razorblades and beef jerky, and I probably still would’ve been obsessed with it. Why? Because jumpsuits and their little sisters, rompers, are the greatest fashion invention ever. Remember when Michael Kors was like, “People don’t wear dresses every day of their lives”? He was right! Why wear a dress every day when you can sport something just as cute that can let you sit Indian-style?

Blayne’s face: No, I don’t mean that in a mean way (I love his leather face!). I’m referring to that “I’m gonna eat you” face he made. Could he have done anything creepier whilst working in the design studio? What is that you say? Oh, he DID do something creepier? Blayne L’Orange taught Tim Gunn such vital quips as “Holla!” and “Holler at your boy!” He did a good deed in teaching the refined Mr. Gunn such tried slang, because I’m still giggling about it hours later. Someone will probably kill the joke by tomorrow when a lame remix of the clip shows up on YouTube.

Michael Kors’ mother: She wasn’t in this episode but — like my sage predecessor/guru, Jim Cantiello — I’m obsessed with her. One of the reasons why she is a goddess is she birthed Michael Kors, the heavily bronzed man who described Keith’s mess of a dress by saying, “I mean, it literally looked like toilet paper caught in a windstorm.”

Sandra Bernhard: Because why not promote your one-woman show by judging the works of 14 budding fashion masterminds?

Emily: Rebelling against your parents is really dumb, and the only things you’ll get out of it are a bunch of regrettable tattoos and/or piercings, and a lot of fodder to laugh over with your parents when you become BFFs. Because, you know what? They’re almost always right! I’m telling you all of this for a reason. Emily made like a bratty teen and didn’t listen to Tim when he told her to fix her garment, because she was so proud of her work. And all she got out of it was an ugly dress and a trip home.

Suede: Literally. Suede is out of this column. Readers, if you’re here to read about Suede, thanks, I’m sorry, but take your business elsewhere. By acknowledging Suede, I’m enabling his totally third-person behavior. I have to make like “Intervention” and cut him off. Also, every time Suede was on the screen, I muted my TV. … It was still disturbing.

College: Can these contestants stop acting like they’re freshmen now? Lighten up, people! Last night, Keith — or as I prefer to call him, “American Beauty,” after he displayed his love for artful snapshots — said, “You have to create killer fashion.” Listen, other than the Kaiser (that’s Karl Lagerfeld to the layman), even the most gifted designer doesn’t take the craft that seriously. Emily was also enchanted by an “amazing streak of light” that was revealed in her overexposed shot. Then she headed over to the quad and held hands with her classmates in protest of drilling in Darfur … or something like that.

Joe Faris: During the first episode I thought, “Oh, this is the token straight guy.” Now I’m just, “He’s the new Jennifer!” Joe, you’re about as vital to this season’s cast as a ham sandwich in my belly. And I don’t eat swine. Related: Congrats to Jennifer on the ample screen time!

Jerell’s dress: OK, Jerell, not to get salty, but the episode’s theme was “night on the town.” On what night — and in which town — would a lady sport that number? It was more “engagement party at the Marriott on Route 17” and less “I’m going out with my girls to take 17 shots with engaged guys.”

The snooze button: I just got a new alarm clock, and its snooze function beeps after five minutes instead of seven — lame, right? Oh, that reminds me: Yay, Leanne finally made something nice!

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