‘Project Runway’ Premiere: In Our Book, Stella Zotis Is In Forever, Edible Fashion Is Out

Sorry, “Project Runway In 60 Seconds” fans, Jim Cantiello is being pulled in a million different directions this summer, so you’ll have to settle for the critical eyes of other MTV News staffers — and with the number of “PR” fans in this office, the competition for who gets to write about the show is (dare we say it?) fierce.

First up, Ms. Rya Backer:

When new episodes of “Gossip Girl” aren’t improving the general quality of my life, I find it in my heart to continue living and watching other shows. If you didn’t catch the season premiere, or one of its 938 squillion reruns, don’t come crying to me about how I spoiled it for you. With that said, grab your favorite patterned tablecloth, and let’s get to talking about the Ins and Outs of season five so far (because, in fashion one day you’re in, and the next day … oh, you know).

Stella Zotis: If Sophia Petrillo and Alice Cooper took a weekend getaway to Mount Airy Lodge, this raven-haired firecracker would’ve been the fruit of their labors. Stella Zotis’ (just say her full name out loud once … you’re welcome) self-deprecating charm and leather-and-denim getups are reason enough to tune in every week until the show’s end (because if I have it my way, she’ll never be eliminated).

Heidi trying to be witty: Hot off the heels of telling the world that she cannot listen to herself speak, Mrs. “Kiss From a Rose” attempted to steal Michael “My Mother Is a Goddess” Kors’ thunder by delivering two lukewarm witticisms: “She looks like a hospital plumber,” and “a Playboy Bunny gone grunge.” She’s trying, people! That’s more than can be said about this episode’s many tablecloth-dress designers! Which reminds me …

Tim getting annoyed: I can’t talk about this at length, because it reminds me of this time my amazingly sweet and brilliant seventh-grade history teacher got so angry at our unruly class that he screamed, “Goddamn it!” Great, now I feel guilty again.

Daniel Feld’s dress: As a recent college graduate, I understand the import of a Solo cup. These plastic tumblers are perfect for holding beer, catching ping-pong balls as they land into beer, and creating a sculpted minidress with a sweetheart neckline.

Blayne’s tan: Not to make this all about me, but let’s just say this weekend’s rays turned me a lovely shade of lobster. Once I was finished slathering aloe all over my television’s screen, I got around to thanking Blayne for making me feel like Wednesday Addams again (read: healthy).

Kenley’s bangs: Ladies, am I right?

Austin Scarlett: Yves Saint Laurent’s reality doppelganger came back to his roots for one night only and killed it! It was kind of like when Sam Talbot was on “Top Chef,” except … actually, it was barely like that. Because Austin was gracious, helpful and oh-so-glamorous. Fact: When Austin Scarlett has a hair out of place, an angel loses its wings. The point is, please add “green-room conversation between Tim Gunn and Austin Scarlett” to my growing list of situations where I’d like to be a fly on the wall.

Jerry’s introduction: You’re “doing well,” huh? Well, then being the first one kicked off the show for your iRaincoat getup shouldn’t be that bad, right? See you when you barely utter a word at the reunion!

Blayne: I know, I was really into his tan. Everything else about Blayne isn’t even ironically funny. I’m sure he’s a great person, son and friend, but let’s just say, on the seventh day, someone upstairs forgot to give Blayne taste.

Korto’s yellow dress: It’s not the dress that I disliked, it was the vegetable¬†accoutrements. They made me hungry. That’s not supposed to happen in fashion, because (insert “no eating” joke here). Let’s not even get me started on that marshmallow dress of Leanne’s — is it wrong that the first thing I thought when I saw the dress was how delicious it would be if properly charred?

Nina Garcia: Elle is my second-favorite ladymag, but that won’t stop me from hating on it’s editor-at-large. Why? Because, according to my sources, such a title means almost as much as a “coach’s award” or “World’s Best Dad.” There are countless other talented, smart, camera-ready fashion editors itching to not-so-quietly judge a designer’s hard work. Why not give them some well-deserved face time?

Suede speaking in third person: Here’s where I’d write something like, “Rya is so not into when people speak in the third person,” but I actually felt shooting pains in my fingers when I typed that. Do you think that if someone were to speak in the third person for long enough, something supernatural happens? Like a black hole opens up? Or Stella Zotis goes straight to winning the competition? We’ll find out in due time!

Who are your favorite designers so far? Who’s going to have the first meltdown? Tell us below!