Things That Could Never Happen in Real Life That Happened on ‘Gossip Girl’

Another installment on “Gossip Girl” from Rya, MTV News intern and former Upper East Sider:

OK, before I start this post, I just have to do this: OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! *MAJOR SPOILER ALERT* Serena killed a guy. Or a girl. Whatever. In the parallel universe that is “Gossip Girl”’s Upper East Side, a person is no longer alive, and Serena (and, presumably, Georgina) is to blame. But we won’t know the details until next week.

So with that off my chest, let’s get down to the business of this week’s episode. Because, you see, for every handful of things on the show that are accurate, there are about 10 zillion more that are mostly wrong. My UES insider’s rundown, after the jump.

· So, obvs we found out that precious, darling Eric van der Woodsen is gay. I was so happy for him when he came out; I was so sad for him when he learned the hard way that WASPs make for the worst boyfriends. I suppose that realization isn’t uncommon to legions of men and women outside of the 10021 zip code, but it was a rite of passage nonetheless. Far be it for me to analyze his coming out, as I’ve, well, never done that. But I did admire how Lily and Serena handled the news, and didn’t find it hard to believe that they’d take to it so kindly for the following reasons: 1) it’s not like they didn’t see it coming (as a performing-arts camp alum, I can tell you firsthand there are legions of Erics and Ashers); and 2) Lily’s a “cool mom,” remember? Is the woman who slummed with Jane’s Addiction in any place to disapprove of anyone’s sexuality?

· But back to the totally improbable stuff: At that dinner that Georgina invited herself to (FYI: Georgina mentions will be kept to a minimum because I hate her), she complimented Lily on “that gorgeous Tiffany rock.” If I may unleash my inner JAP, the only reason Mr. Bass steps foot into Tiffany’s is for bat mitzvah gifts for the daughters of his business partners. Lily’s gorgeous rock was likely purchased at the diamond dealer mere blocks away: Harry Winston.

· Later that episode, Jenny really stuck it to her brother when she declared, “jealousy clashes with LL Bean pants.” This was neither accurate nor inaccurate – but I mean, how did Jenny think that up so quickly? And is anybody else at least a trace surprised that Serena let Dan keep a pair of LL Bean pants in his wardrobe since they started dating? Just me?

· Back to Asher: His attempts to stay in the closet were sad, but undoubtedly had some veracity. You know what didn’t? The party he and Jenny threw. Asher made it sound like a big deal that his beard was going to “throw [her] first Upper East Side party.” Maybe I’m showing my age, but in my day, when a friend’s parents were out of town, that was considered a “free house” — no matter the neighborhood (if Asher lived on 40th and 3rd, Jenny could’ve thrown a Murray Hill Party!?). It could perhaps escalate into a full-blown party, but by no means would it ever be that well-dressed, or that fancily-liquored. Waiters hawking highlighter-yellow cocktails to the minors? Please. Try a table full of liquor cabinet-stolen spirits, beers, and other, non-liquid vices, with a bunch of kids passed out around it. Also, yes, that is the house from Cruel Intentions.

· Before Jenny left for that party, she got in a giant fight with Rufus. That’s not what I care about. What struck me was how moments before Jenny stepped out the door, Rufus was leisurely playing his guitar. That was so “cool dad,” that for a moment, I mistook him for a Baby Boomer. But he’s not; he’s a Gen-Xer who has responsibly fathered an 18-year-old and a 15-year-old. Makes perfect sense!

· When Jenny got to the party, and that whole Asher/Eric mess went down, a girl said “looks like someone needs a semester in France.” I laughed my head off, but let’s face it –the farthest Jenny’s going is the Hudson Valley to be with her mother.

· Oddly enough, I totally believed that Lily van der Woodsen would take Rufus wedding dress shopping with her. This is because a) she’s still in love with him, b) she hasn’t got any other friends (or none at least whom I’ve been acquainted with), and c) she used to be Rufus’s groupie. What was harder to swallow was earlier in the episode, when she requested that “Mr. Spitzer” sit as far away as possible from Serena. I hate to editorialize, but: not funny, writers. Our fallen governor’s got himself a bunch of teen girls (that he fathered) who likely watch the show. Must their source of escapism also take a jab at their father’s foibles? It’s old news to make fun of the father – who, by the way, is currently socially in hiding and would therefore never attend your society dinner. Go hate on Rudy!

· Blair suggested “dinner at The Waverly Inn and drinks at 151” to her minions. I would’ve found this somewhat sensible two weeks ago, before it was cemented that the crew are high school juniors. While I definitely trudged to school at 8am still reeling from the night before a few times, that didn’t happen until my second semester of senior year. I found it highly less-than-likely that these PYTs would be allowed out on a school night – parents aren’t just fodder for plotlines, you know.

· Also, Gossip Girl mentioned that Blair Waldorf was spotted with an “off-duty doorman at the Blarney Stone.” GG, if this is your idea of hilarity, stick to your day job. There are two types of people in all of Manhattan’s apartment buildings: people who talk to their doormen, and people who pretend that doormen are convenient, human-looking robots who needn’t any human interaction. Blair easily falls into the latter camp, and is the First Lady of Headbands really going to be seen in a place called “The Blarney Stone”? Unless she has an off-the-charts sense of irony in which case…I’m thinking too hard about a group of fictitious teens, aren’t I?

In fact, I’m such the expert on this pack of private schoolers that I’ll be part of a panel discussion on “Gossip Girl” this Friday, the 9th, at the People’s Improve Theater in NYC from 8-9pm. Come for the conversation, stay for the free cupcakes (there really are free cupcakes).

OK, back to fretting over today’s primaries!

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