Pete & Ashlee Have Nothing, Please Give Them Something

Hey, did you know Americans are getting dumber by the minute? Well, they are.

So in order to keep us on that downward spiral — and in honor of the news that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have gotten engaged — we here in the Newsroom have created a list of potential engagement gifts for the happy couple. What do you get for the people who already have everything? (Damn those adorable have-alls!) So here are some high-end treats for the high-end sweets:

· These “Groucho” glasses, which are doubly appropriate, considering that the dynamic duo need disguises to hide from the paparazzi…and some well-documented adventures in rhinoplasty.

· The “Photographs: Annie Leibovitz 1970-1990″ book, if only for the image of John Lennon and Yoko Ono. Infer from that what you will.

· Matching BAPE hoodies to show off their undying unity, and to blind any paparazzi who get to close. Funky and functional.

· A copy of “Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage,” for those times when Papa Joe wants to spend the night, plan the wedding, or take Pete out for dual hair frostings.

· Booze. Trust us.

If you think we’re getting all “Grinch Who Stole Christmas” on ya, tell us what darling items you’d give the happy couple.