Dear Incredibly Angry, Somewhat Delusional, Easily Offended NKOTB Fans Who Have Been Bombarding The Newsroom Blog With Comments Ever Since We Made One Joke About The Band Reuniting Because They Needed The Cash:
Hi there. Look, we just want to talk. Can you put the torches down for a second? Honestly, you didn’t have to form a mob and storm the gates here at MTV Manor. We were just kidding when we suggested that the deciding factor in the New Kids On The Block reunion was money. Obviously that’s not the case!
We’re sure Danny Wood uses $100 bills to light cigars! Joey McIntyre (or, excuse us, Joe) was on “Boston Public”! There’s good money in David E. Kelly dramadies! We know they’re not broke! Psssssh!
Jeez, it’s like you guys can’t take a joke or something. Clearly the only reason five dudes in their late 30s would willingly choose to reform under the mantle of “New Kids,” perform synchronized dance routines and belt out tunes about “Hangin’ Tough” is because they all really loved the music or really missed performing for all of you. Well, either that or they’re all going through a collective mid-life crisis and couldn’t afford matching Corvettes.
Okay? Good. We just wanted to clear that up.
What? Oh, yeah, also, we didn’t mean to suggest that just because you’re a fan of a boy-band that hasn’t had a hit single or been culturally relevant in more than 15 years doesn’t mean that you’re old and/or out of touch in any way. It merely means you found something you liked — in this case, cheesy, hormonally stunted, pre-fab pop sung by five kids from Boston with lines shaved into their hair — and you’ve stuck to it ever since. We admire that perseverance! Really, we do! Stop throwing things!
And finally, we wanted to bring up the fact that you’ve said some pretty hurtful things to us personally. Like that we should replace the “M” in “MTV” with an “R,” since all we do is broadcast Reality TV programs anymore. Or that that we don’t know anything about music, or that we’re mean-spirited “LoserHaters” who are simply jealous of NKOTB’s success.
We’re not gonna lie; those words cut deep. And we’d like to point out that we actually do still play music videos, a lot, on any of our three channels — MTV, MTV2 and mtvU. And you can watch tons of them on our website, though we understand that you might not be able to do that, what with your dial-up connections and all.
Anyway, we feel a little better now. And hopefully you do, too. Frankly, we’d just like to put this whole dark saga behind us. So, if you’ll go back to your cat-hair strewn dens and Precious Moments collections we’ll go back to our ivory towers and inflated sense of purpose.