‘Vampire Diaries’ Recap: ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’

by Cassie Title

Considering anyone who’s anyone was waiting and obsessing over and just generally going through the motions of life until “The Vampire Diaries” returned, it’s not surprising that Julie Plec knew what I did last summer. But, oh. Someone just mentioned that the episode title was referring to the characters. Right. Makes total sense. I’m not embarrassed at all.

But clearly, I was more excited about last night’s premiere than any human should have been. And I’m happy to report that the episode didn’t disappoint.

Here are the goods:

Rebekah and Matt had a threesome. Yes, you read that right. The CW is upping its risqué factor with this sexy liaison. It was fun to get a glimpse of the duo’s adventures abroad, and then their charming/super hot/kind of adorable exchange once back in Mystic Falls, where they passionately made out/said goodbye/Rebekah told Matt playfully not to miss her. It was a totally unrealistic yet kind of wonderful relationship that I think we all can dig. But it’s not completely over yet! (Well, Matt and Rebekah’s relationship is.) But, their third partner in crime Nadia literally committed a crime. By robbing them. After she got them drunk and had sex with them. And do you know what she took? The Gilbert ring! This was bad, yet Bex and Matt seemed to think nothing of it. Until Nadia appeared in the Mystic Falls town square and led Matt away from the crowd. He asked her how she found him, she told him that the ring wasn’t meant for her. This was our second clue that Nadia is not all that she appears to be. And right as she gave it back to him, some European dude snuck up behind Matt, touched him/did something to him that was magic-esque (seriously, I need some instant replay/DVR action. Anyone willing to hook a girl up?) and HIS EYES WENT BLACK LIKE A POSSESSED PERSON. It was almost like the times Silas possessed Bonnie. Except it wasn’t Silas, because we’re going to talk about him in a minute. But WHAT THE EFF IS GOING ON WITH MATT DONOVAN AND NADIA AND THE MYSTERIOUS DUDE?

Elena and Caroline arrived at Whitmore College. And it looked like so much fun that I want to attend. Seriously—my college didn’t have dorm rooms as big as the Salvatore mansion! (Do you think they’d take a late application? For someone who already has a BA? I think some research needs to be done…) As I expected, we’ve completely glossed over the fact that Elena magically ended up at college without sending in any applications, but I’ve gotten over it. One thing I can’t get over? When Elena said goodbye to her summer roomies (Damon and Jeremy), she said Whitmore was only “a few hours away”. Er, what? That’s like not “only.” That’s, like, kind of far! HOW WILL THIS FACILITATE MAXIMUM MYSTIC FALLS CROSSOVERS? WHY IS THIS NOT AN HOUR AWAY? WHAT PROFESSOR DO YOU KNOW THAT LIVES THREE HOURS AWAY FROM SCHOOL (AHEM, GRAMS)? HOW DID BONNIE GET FROM THERE (WHEN SHE WAS HANGING OUT WITH CREEPY SHANE) TO MYSTIC FALLS SO QUICKLY? HAVE THEY FIGURED OUT HOW TO CONQUER THE SPACE TIME CONTINUUM?

And they have a new roommate. Okay, now that I’ve tried to suspend disbelief again, I can move on to the serious things. Since Bonnie’s dead (although she has yet to tell anyone), Caroline and Elena got assigned a new roommate, named Megan. She seemed cool, but Caroline was not buying it. In fact, Caroline became convinced that Megan was a hunter. Her evidence: Megan’s protein water bottles had vervain in them. After Caroline drank some, and got all vamp affected, Megan rushed out of the shower to say it sounded like someone died. When the three showed up to a party, Megan went into the house, waited for the girls, asked them why they didn’t come in and proceeded to party on without them, all with a potential air of knowing they couldn’t enter because they weren’t invited in. And then, she called Elena for help while inside the party. Except, we never find out for sure, because just then she fell out of a really high window, right in front of Caroline and Elena. There was a super intense neck wound, and homegirl died. (Have we thought about whether she might’ve gotten turned before?) Oh, and to add to the Megan mystery: There was a photo of her with Elena’s dad. THIS IS CRAZY AND I CAN’T EVEN GUESS WHAT IT MEANS. Was she Elena’s half-sister? Was she some sort of prodigy that did Isobel-type studies? WAS SHE RELATED TO ISOBEL OR KATHERINE? All of these are things that Elena will undoubtedly find out. Oh, and there’s obviously at least one vampire on the loose that’s going to cross paths with our girls.

Jeremy had to lie and pretend that he faked his own death and burned down his house to explain his return to school. And people are not being nice to him about it. (Honestly, if I saw a kid I thought was dead talking to himself all the time—because that’s definitely what it looks like when he talks to Bonnie every five seconds—I would think he was kind of a freak, too.) But I love Jeremy and he’s super hot so I was very excited that he kicked some bully butt in the hallway. Apparently, going all hunter on unsuspecting high school bullies is against the rules, and Damon had to compel him out of an expulsion. Now he has a three-day suspension to think about what he’s done. And to explain to me how he’s still a hunter after he died and came back to life. Because I’m a little lost on that mythology aspect. Should I not be?

Although Damon and Elena are still very much together, the narrative is seriously hinting at a deep Stefan-Elena bond. The two lovers have been, well, loving each other all over the mansion: in the bathtub, in the bedroom, on the couch right in front of the front door where Jeremy walked in on them and implied that they had been there, without moving, for five hours. But they heard nothing from Stefan all summer, thinking that he was traveling the world. Instead, he was traveling through his mind’s weird hallucinations while continuously drowning in that locked coffin Silas put him in. But at least two or three times Elena explained her bad feeling about something and cited a connection with Stefan. At one point, she even went to call him before chickening out! This was important, because we saw that she has some very interesting people in her phone: Klaus, Rebekah and Ryan. Seriously, people: Who is this Ryan? Elena knows no Ryan! Anyway, some sort of weird psychic connection will obviously come to fruition, as evidenced by Elena dunking her head underwater in a bath (honestly, do people ever do that besides in movies or TV shows? Isn’t the point of a bath to NOT GET YOUR HAIR WET?) only to have the camera transition to Stefan being underwater. Fancy footage.

Michael Trevino’s supposed to come back this season, but we aren’t seeing him yet. Tyler’s become what I can only describe as a consultant for werewolf packs. I mean, who needs to go to college when he already has such a lucrative career? Caroline all but got him into college, but this Tennessee pack needs his help. (Doing what, may I ask? I thought he started helping hybrid packs to teach them how to break the sire bond. Klaus is gone, so I’m confused.) Anyway, Caroline kind of deluded herself into thinking he would be joining her at Whitmore soon, despite Elena’s take on the situation, and when she heard his voicemail apologizing for putting it off, she cried. A lot. Sadness.

Katherine made her start-of-season appearance, as per usual. Now that she’s human, she needs protection from her enemies. Since no one’s ever taken the cure, she was afraid of getting turned back into a vampire, because she didn’t know if she’ll come back as one. She asked Damon for help, and ended up staying at the mansion for a little. But not for long! Because someone’s been chasing her. It seems like she knows that it’s Silas, but the question is: Does she know why? BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW WHY! BECAUSE I’M THINKING IT’LL SHED SOME LIGHT ON THE WHOLE DOPPELGANGER SITCH.

Silas returned. (Now, where has he been all summer? What has he been doing?) And almost instantly outed himself as not Stefan. He chatted with Liz and compelled her to forget their interaction. He cut her wrist with a knife, let the blood drop into a cup, and drank it, too—because Silas is classy like that. He told her to never call him a vampire, because vampires are nothing more than disgusting perversions of him. Again, I’m unclear about the mythology: Silas was clearly an afterthought, considering this kind of means the Originals aren’t actually the Originals anymore. And wouldn’t Esther have known this? Because she was tight with Ayanna? And Ayanna was descended from Qetsiyah? I think it’s pretty obvious that the showrunners forgot to tell Esther that they created the idea for Silas.

Anyway, Silas described himself as having all vampire qualities, but also as being psychic. MAN HE IS SO COOL, YOU KNOW? Anyway, Silas is on a mission: to find Katherine. He accomplished this when he happened upon her in the Salvatore bathtub, but a scuffle led to her escape with Jeremy. Which then led to a car crash with Jeremy. Which then led to her escape.

Silas won’t tell Damon where Stefan is until he gets Katherine. But it looks like he’ll find her soon: He sort of/kind of introduced himself to the town. Rudy, Bonnie’s dad, the mayor, was there. He really seemed to have no purpose, which is why I should’ve seen this next thing coming. Silas explained that all the blood he had been drinking has made him super strong—like he can control an entire town square, which he does, by commanding everyone to be quiet and not to move, and it worked. Then, he slit Rudy’s throat, and it was just harsh. Dead Bonnie was oh-so sad, but she was dead, so nobody saw her pain. (Did Silas, though? Can he see ghosts? I do not know.)

Then Silas gave the town a new order: to find someone for him. She looks exactly like Elena Gilbert. The search is on.

How amazing was the season premiere? Wouldn’t it be crazy cool if Silas wasn’t actually looking for Katherine but for, like, Tatia? And she was alive?! Isn’t Elena going to be so pissed when she finds out all that Damon hid from her? When will everyone find out that Bonnie is dead? What’s the deal with Megan and Elena’s dad and the supernatural at Whitmore College? What IS Silas? Do you think that he needs Stefan for something eventually—why else would he blow his cover? When will Tyler return? Didn’t you like Elena’s boots with shorts? (Her style is very hip, these days.) Is Matt okay? What’s going on with Nadia and that dude? DO YOU MISS THE ORIGINALS YET? What else was important that we should talk about? Let us know on Twitter or in the comments! I solemnly swear to write back, because I want to talk about this as much as you do! Until next Thursday…