‘True Blood’ Season 6 Premiere Recap: ‘Who Are You, Really?’

After months of sucky, sucky waiting, “True Blood” fans were finally treated last night to the long-awaited premiere of season six—which, in typical premiere fashion, finished off the last episode’s big, bloody cliffhanger and then set the stage for a long, lovely season full of fangs, family drama and gratuitous sexytimes. What went down? Here’s the latest from Bon Temps.

Billith Fair
When we left off last season, Bill had just bogarted the entire vial of vampire deity Lilith’s blood, downed it in one fell swoop, and dissolved into an unsightly puddle of goo—only to be reborn from the Bill Soup as the blood-covered, vengeful BILLITH. (Among the notable differences: Bill reborn sees the world through a red-tinted wonky first-person POV camera and has a terrifying growl that’s equal parts grizzly bear and pterodactyl.) Sookie and Eric flee with Nora, Jason, Jessica, Pam and Tara, who shoot their way out of the crumbling Authority headquarters and pile into a getaway car; the group looks back just in time to see Bill striding nude out of the burning building and ascending into the night sky.

And elsewhere, Luna collapses from the effects of her Steve Newlin skinwalk and dies, asking with her final breath that Sam take care of her daughter. Sniffle. Bye, Luna.

Meanwhile, back in Bon Temps…
The vampires are front and center this episode, but last season’s other supe plotlines haven’t been forgotten. For one, Alcide is officially packmaster, having cemented his alpha status by chowing down on the flesh of his enemy and getting nasty with a willing she-wolf. Or, almost, anyway; he’s interrupted by Rikki, who shoves the interloper to her knees (no prizes for guessing what’s going on down there) and authoritatively reminds Alcide: “I’m your No. 1 bitch.”

Hear what Joe Manganiello has to say about his hair-raising threesome!

And for two, Andy Bellefleur is having a hard time getting a handle on his daddy duties to four newborn half-fae babies—being totally new to fatherhood and having never, quote-unquote, taken a poop class. But unlike most terrified dads, he may actually be off the hook: 24 hours after their birth, his baby faeries have grown into walking, talking small children…which means, at this rate, that they’ll be out of the house and getting jobs within a week or so.

“Who the f— is Warlow?”
With the Authority burning behind them and the Louisiana governor declaring a vampire curfew in the wake of the Tru Blood factory bombings, the survivors’ group dynamic starts to fray. Pam is threatened and pissy over Eric’s intense focus on Nora; Tara is peeved on Pam’s behalf; Nora is utterly flummoxed by Bill’s resurrection; and Jason Stackhouse has dispensed with all politeness and become a full-blown, epithet-flinging fang-basher. (Oh, Jason. You were doing so well!)

The bad news: None of the assembled party know exactly how to kill Bill—and Jessica, his progeny, is horrified by the idea. The good news: Nora and a glamoured Jason manage to fill in some of the blanks regarding Warlow, the sinister vampire with a contractual claim to the Stackhouse family’s sole faerie member. According to Nora, he’s much more than a creepy apparition in Sookie’s bathroom; he’s one of the world’s most ancient vampires, an original descendant of Lilith, and a very, very bad boy.

Jason reacts to this news (and the general stress of the evening) by making a hysterical flounce from the group, accusing Sookie of choosing fangs over family and then peacing out. But he won’t get away so easily: his attempt to hitchhike his way back to Bon Temps finds him in a car with a creepy old man (hey, Rutger Hauer!) who’s avidly interested in the Stackhouse family history. And when Warlow’s name comes up?

“You cannot keep Warlow away from Sookie,” the old man snaps, and POOF!, he disappears. Which is a problem, since, y’know, he was driving the car.

A nice, rare stake
Meanwhile, the reborn Bill summons Jessica—causing her to scream, writhe and vomit copious amounts of blood when Eric tries to prevent her from leaving. Instead, Sookie drives her back to the Bon Temps mansion with Eric and Nora in pursuit. The good news: Bill is wearing clothes again. The bad news: he’s really not Bill anymore, which becomes painfully clear when Sookie stakes him through the heart and…nothing happens. (Seriously: He’s basically just, like, “Ow.”) They’ve got no choice but to leave him be—and leave Jessica with him. Bill tells Jess that he needs her, to help keep him grounded so that he doesn’t go mad with his newfound powers. Which is a great idea in theory, but in practice, Bill is able to telekinetically prevent drinks from spilling and having hallucinations in which he gets bumrushed from every corner by Lilith clones, so we’ll see how well that works out.

What did you think of last night’s season premiere?