by Melissa Albert
The last time we saw the "Glee" crowd, they were enjoying a collective post-hookup afterglow—everyone except Schue, whose fiancee hightailed it rather than sign up to look at his Dep head across the breakfast table for the rest of her life.
The episode opens on the two almost-marrieds in a scene straight out of a 1930s musical, dancing up the walls like Gene Kelly and singing "You’re All the World to Me"...until Schue wakes up alone, an old movie playing on his bedroom TV.
He channels his pain into art, asking the glee kids to use songs made famous in movies for that week’s assignment: a boys versus girls mash-up contest! (Spoiler alert: Everyone wins in the end, because Schuester is a human blackboard eraser.)
But here’s a question more pressing than who has got the best mas-hup: Why the heck is Finn still around? He’s not a student, he’s not a teacher, and we think that the glee parents should question the random 19-year-old sniffing around their kids.
Unaware that he’s about to get citizen’s arrested by some angry moms (hopefully), Finn bros up with Schue, trying to talk him into searching harder for Emma. But really, if your fiancee's hiding from you, what good will it do you to find her?
Turns out Finn’s operating under residual guilt from the ill-considered kiss he laid on Emma, and he and Artie get desperate enough to go to her ginger supremacist parents. By disguising themselves as fellow gingers, they’re able to finagle Emma’s location. But is it too late for Will to win her back? And does he even want to?
Santana’s enjoying her first week in New York, if by "enjoying" you mean living rent-free on the back of the people she tortured in high school, while going through all their stuff and complaining constantly. WHY HAVEN’T THEY KICKED HER OUT YET, OR AT LEAST FORCED HER TO PAY RENT? Also, is Rachel and Kurt’s apartment actually a clown car? There seems to be no end to the number of new roommates they can accommodate. The three McKinley kids plus Kurt’s new fling Adam are snowbound, and Santana takes advantage of Brody’s mysterious absence to present her case for why he’s a total creep:
1. He smells like talcum.
2. He appears to be made out of plastic.
3. In his possession is a wad of 1,200 bucks...and a PAGER.
According to Santana, there’s only one explanation: Brody’s a drug dealer. But we think she’s wrong. He’s definitely a gigolo, right? Also: talcum? EW.
Inviting someone to spend a snow day with you is two steps away from engagement, so it seems that Kurt has fully moved on from Blaine to Adam...or has he? As the Bushwick crew watches "Moulin Rouge!", Kurt imagines he and Blaine dueting on "Come What May," which, as Santana helpfully points out to Adam (KICK HER OUT ALREADY), is something that Kurt considers more intimate than sex.
But Adam likes Kurt, and after expressing concern that he’s a rebound guy, he decides to ignore all the warning signs and go full Hummel. Yuh oh. Is Kurt going to break a cute older boy’s heart?
Back at McKinley, the glee kids collaborate on a pre-competition, "Animal House"–inspired "Shout," taking over the cafeteria. Then the boys perform a Tom Cruise–inspired mash-up—"Highway to the Danger Zone" (“Top Gun”) and "Old Time Rock and Roll" ("Risky Business").
Before the girls go on, Kitty apologizes to Marley for months of unrepentant backstabbing (on account of they’re both dating Puckermans, and are basically sisters now). Because Marley couldn’t catch a clue in a basket, she instantly forgives her frenemy, and then reveals that Ryder kissed her.
Though we’re mad at Marley for being an overly trusting newborn chicken, she and Unique totally shine in the girls’ mash-up: "Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend" and "Material Girl." And we couldn’t help but notice that both Jake and Ryder were looking at Marley with that special glint in their eye...
At Finn’s insistence, Schue pulls off a big movie-music moment of his own, chasing down Emma and holding a boombox under her window while singing "In Your Eyes," Cusack-style.
“Are you crazy?” she calls down.
“Crazy for YOU!” he replies goofily.
And then they have a difficult talk about their relationship.
Other big reveals: Santana found Rach’s pregnancy test—and all signs point to positive. Jake sets up a redo of the infamous pottery wheel scene from "Ghost," complete with "Unchained Melody" and a grotesque clay-covered hands sequence, and Marley freaks out, revealing that Ryder kissed her.
Even more ill-advised? Finn stupidly, selfishly tells Schue that he kissed Emma. Schue doesn’t yell, doesn’t punch him—he just silently walks away.
Why did Finn tell? Why did he kiss her in the first place? Why is he still hanging out at McKinley? A lot of questions, none of which are answered by the kids’ episode-ending performance of "Footloose." Next week, we demand answers.
Song of the episode: "Diamond’s Are a Girl’s Best Friend," because it reminded us that Marley can really SANG.
Sweater vest of the episode: Artie’s rainbow/horoscope monstrosity.
What did you think of last night's "Glee"? Who should Marley end up with? What was your favorite song of the episode? And what should be done with Finn? Tell us in the comments and on Twitter!