And okay, let’s be real: After the past few weeks of awards-season domination, it’s not like Jennifer needs our help in delivering a memorable acceptance speech. But since we’re here, and since we strongly suspect she’ll be this year’s winner for her “Silver Linings Playbook” performance, here’s our advice to her:
1. Hoist the statuette over your head and yell, “I beat Quvenzhané!”
2. Burp into the microphone.
3. Apologize for burping; say it’s because you’re pregnant.
4. Apologize for saying you’re pregnant; say it’s just gas.
5. Tell everyone how many pairs of Spanx you’re wearing.
6. Tell everyone that you have a vestigial tail.
7. Thank your agent.
8. Thank your fellow actors.
9. Thank the rhinoceros at the Los Angeles Zoo; offer no explanation.
10. Accuse Harvey Weinstein of murder…again.
11. Hurl a banana creme pie into the audience.
12. Wait, make that two pies and a rabid ferret.
13. Wait…you know what? Do whatever you want, because you’re adorable and everybody loves you, the end.
Don’t forget to tune in for our Oscars red carpet live stream Sunday at 5:30 p.m. ET on MTV.com.