And while everyone is super-psyched to see which actors, actresses and filmmakers are this year’s big winners, we can’t stop thinking about what happens after the envelope is opened: that tense moment when the winner climbs up on stage, takes the prize and proceeds to give an acceptance speech that may or may not be the most wincing, awkward, You-Tube-humiliation-ready 30 seconds of his or her life. And because nobody wants that to happen, we’ve been hard at work coming up with a useful cheat sheet for some likely winners of this year’s Oscar statuettes—just in case our favorites need a little help filling their time behind the podium. No need to thank us, of course! Happy to help! And up first, we’ve got advice for…
After getting overlooked by the Academy in years past, these step-by-step instructions will help Anne construct a poignant, heartfelt, tearful first-time winner’s acceptance speech for her supporting role in “Les Miserables.”
1. Clutch Oscar to your breast and thank everyone who worked on the film, alphabetically, by last name.
2. Cry. (But not like this, or everyone else will cry too.)
3. Say something sincere about Fantine’s heartbreaking vulnerability.
4. Say something about your pixie cut because it’s awesome, and we’re still not tired of talking about it.
5. Cry some more.
6. Say something socially progressive.
7. Don’t thank Matt Lauer, because he’s a creepmobile.
8. At the last minute, save yourself from pulling a “Swank” and run back to the podium to thank your husband…whatever his name is. (Sorry, we’re lazy.)