Hannah lands a meeting with JazzHate editor Jame (a total poor woman’s Jane Pratt), who offers the fledgling freelancer $200 for a personal experience essay involving either a threesome or a coke bender. Seeing as Hannah has a hard time focusing on even one other person during sex, she settles for the latter.
Start Useless ’90s Trivia Break: If something about Jame seems familiar, it’s probably because actress Angela Featherstone played the loopy copy girl whom Ross cheats on Rachel with during their break. Oh, “Friends.” End Useless ’90s Trivia Break
With her assignment in hand, Hannah seeks out her most likely drug ally: Jessa. But it’s actually Marnie who offers up a solution: Why not ask the junkie in her building? (We know he’s a junkie because he hangs out by the mailboxes all the time.) So Hannah pays a visit to turtle-owning, Pom-juice-drinking Laird, who is clean now but still knows a few people in the biz (not to mention he’s always wanted to do something for Hannah).
Meanwhile, Marnie’s at her hostessing gig, when who does she run into but cocky artist Booth Jonathan. He calls her by the wrong name and tells her how f—ing depressing it is that she works at the club—all of which makes Marnie want to have sex with him. But not before a little foreplay in the form of locking Marnie inside one of his installations, where images of crying babies and rotting carcasses flash to the strains of Duncan Sheik’s (again with the’90s!) hit “Barely Breathing.” And if you thought Adam was into some weird sh–, you clearly haven’t spent a night with Booth Jonathan. He and Marnie do the deed with a porcelain doll perfectly positioned at the foot of his bed bed.
“Look at the doll,” Booth instructs Marnie. “Look at her. Describe her. How is she feeling?”
“She feels sassy,” Marnie offers.
“No, she’s sad,” Booth says.
Booth finishes and Marnie giggles.
Back to Hannah: She and Elijah start snorting at 4 p.m. (human decency be damned!), musing over their life goals before going out to see iPad DJs AndrewAndrew. Hannah trades shirts with a sweaty dancer, spending the rest of the evening in a mesh top, sans bra. (My chest ached just watching her dance so animatedly without some form of support.) After a few more lines, Elijah confesses his sins: He slept with Marnie. Hannah is, of course, livid and storms out of the club to a local drug store, where she spies Laird. Apparently, he feels bad about giving her drugs and has been her guardian-angeling her all night. Marnie texts Hannah that she’s over at Booth Jonathan’s, so she, Elijah and Laird head over there. Hannah rails at Marnie for her sexcapades with Elijah, telling her that she, in fact, is the bad friend (hence the episode’s title). But, you know, she’ll still be friends with Marnie. Whether the same goes for Elijah is unclear, as Hannah tells him he’s moving out.
The episode concludes in, really, the only logical way: Hannah, mesh top and all, making out with Laird in the entry way of their building. Hope the $200 was worth it!
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