‘Vampire Diaries’ Recap: ‘Catch Me If You Can’

by Cassie Title

To answer your biggest question of the evening: Yes, Shane doubles as a yoga instructor. (Oh. That wasn’t on your radar? Hm.) There can be no other reason for why he told Bonnie the following: “Just because you close your eyes doesn’t mean you’re meditating. Breathe.” Because if he isn’t a yogi, I don’t know why he’d ever think such words should be uttered from his mouth.

Anyway, your second biggest question concerning the episode must have been whether Leonardo DiCaprio guest starred. Unfortunately, the answer is no. The title was not a reference to his film of the same name. It was merely referring to the fact that people were chasing each other. Which is not grounds for episode title prizes. (Just saying.)

At some point around 8:03, I realized that the showrunners were making good on the spoilers of Matt actually being in danger. It was surprising, because it was so soon in the episode, but Matt was running, and he was in danger. But then it was just Jeremy visualizing it, which was confusing. But then at about 8:05, it actually happened. Because Jeremy was refusing to do things Klaus’ way (you know, “get his hunt on” and kill all those fresh, young vampires that Klaus so kindly turned for him), so Klaus decided that he would compel all of the vampires to kill Matt. Giving Jeremy an incentive to kill the vampires.

Jeremy and Matt ran to the lake house, and Damon was chasing all the vampire fools to try and kill them so Jeremy didn’t have to, and then a vampire was right about to kill Matt because apparently Jeremy thought it was a good idea to run ahead of Matt, which is idiotic, but whatever. So just when Matt was about to croak, Elena saved the day.

Then there was a fight; the same-old “I’m Elena and you can’t go hurting people!” thang. Except, she actually said she didn’t want the cure if it meant hurting people. An obvious Elena thing to say, but I wish more people listened: I’ve already stated how the show is relying on really shaky, not buy-able concepts at the moment. Considering EVERY CHARACTER’S MOTIVATION involves getting to the cure, having most of their main motivation (Elena) saying she doesn’t want that would really solve all their problems. Except it’s a TV show and that’s not gonna happen.

Damon gave Jeremy a new nickname—Big Jer—and I doubt it will stick. He sent Elena and Matt home and took Jeremy to that bar where Klaus turned all those fools, thinking that since sunlight arrived, they’d be there. But he was wrong. They were all dead, because KOL prefers intimate gatherings. Oh, Kol. I may love you! Your motivation is stupid too, but I still think you’re grand! What I don’t think is grand is that you y’all are always hinting to Damon’s and your past (there was supposed to be a plotline that developed that they knew each other previously, maybe not dissimilar from Klaus and Stefan, but not as extreme), but it was thrown out. Except I can count four times this episode where there was an allusion. JUST GET ON WITH IT ALREADY, OKAY? So Kol’s afraid of Silas, because it’s said that he’ll bring the end of time. And since Kol’s immortal, he don’t want that. So, Damon fought with Kol (Why does he always do that? Why does he fight Originals and not die? What is going on?), Jeremy escaped, and Kol compelled Damon to kill Jeremy and not remember that he told him to. WHAT! That was crazy.

So crazy that later on, Damon and Jeremy were in that maze under the Grill (super weird tunnel town, guys), and Damon just miraculously realized that he had been compelled to kill Jeremy. Both of them were trying to catch the other, if they could. Get it? Eventually, Stefan snapped Damon’s neck, Jeremy’s fine for now, and Damon’s back in the Salvatore dungeons.

Anyway. Rebekah and Stefan were working together. They decided to look for Silas’s headstone that Shane had. They snooped while Shane was being questioned by the Sheriff and Bonnie’s dad. Crazy guy finally admitted to Bonnie that he killed those people as a ritual. But she got out of control with her anger magic, and he preyed on her weakness. She thinks she needs him. She is silly. Also, can somebody, anybody, stop whining over Elena for four seconds and put together that Bonnie’s been doing expression? COME ON GUYS!

What else? Rebekah and Stefan got it on. It was crazy. Before they did it at the end of the episode, they were talking about their past; Stefan said they had good sex ‘cause she’s crazy. Crazy sex is always good. Um, hello CW! THIS IS LIKE NC-27! So intense I added 10 years to the situation.

Oh, and Elena came up with a pretty brilliant idea. Since Jeremy’s not really safe until Kol’s compulsion wears off, he’s going to kill Kol. And killing Kol will kill his whole bloodline. And his mark will grow. And it’s all too easy. But very exciting. Looking forward to it.

VERY IMPORTANT QUESTIONS, GUYS: Can you believe that Rebekah and Stefan actually hooked up so quickly? Who was that guy looking for the headstone that I didn’t write about? What do you think of Elena’s idea? Any chance it’ll work? Why can’t Rebekah just compel over Kol’s compulsion? Isn’t Shane a master manipulator? What did you want to talk about that I didn’t include? Talk away!