Before we get into this week’s episode, I want to know: Why has “The Vampire Diaries” never done a Thanksgiving episode? I can see its cinematic genius, crystal clear in my head: There’d be turkeys. There’d be blood. And there’d be people who probably did a road (walking) trip to the famed original Thanksgiving dinner, with the Pilgrims and the Native Americans, using the whole episode to tell us all about how things really went down. (Maybe the Pilgrims were vampires! And we already know certain Virginia natives were werewolves. Maybe it’s like “Twilight” and, like, tons of Native Americans are werewolves! THAT PUTS A WHOLE NEW MEANING INTO THANKSGIVING!) Also, because of the hurricane, timeliness doesn’t seem to be a factor: The CW was showing Thanksgiving-themed episodes, like, two weeks after the actual holiday. Besides, we all know that “TVD” can’t do an episode without some sort of festive occasion. So next year, producers, that’s what I’d like to see. Just in case you wanted to know.
In other news, “My Brother’s Keeper” brought us the return of the Miss Mystic Falls pageant, and I must say, it seems to be a much more legit operation than last year’s. For starters, it was HUGE! Tyler, has your house always been that large? Have the grounds always been so expansive? Were they just doing close ups with the camera last year? And while I can understand that the reigning Miss Mystic helps to organize the event, would a high-schooler really have that much power and be completely running the festivities without anything but a ceremonial speech from Mayor Carol Lockwood? I mean, I love Caroline as much as the next person, and she’s totally capable, but I’m not sure how I feel about “TVD” slowly becoming “Gossip Girl.” You know, young people seem to have real jobs despite the fact they’re still in high school (or in the latter’s case, they have one year of college and then we act as if they graduated and became professional writers or CEOs of multi-million dollar companies or owners of newspapers). Clearly, I don’t know the answers to these important questions, but if anyone does, please weigh in.
And now, to get to the meat of this recap:
1. Stefan’s pretty much hit rock bottom. Homeboy is back in the woods, white tank-top-clad, doing pushups or something equally as manly to get his breakup with Elena off of his mind. This obviously doesn’t work. He’s continuing to work with Klaus, in that he decides that the best way to find the cure is to force Jeremy to kill vampires so his hunter’s mark will grow. Seriously. He goes to a hospital, where all I’m thinking is that MFell is gonna show (WHERE HAS THE GIRL GONE?), but instead he creeps on surgery records and kidnaps a patient. Things get fuzzy for me here, because we find out the dude was a relentless murderer, so I get that Stefan’s going all “Dexter” on him. What I think happens (don’t be mad; it’s hard to get things straight without DVR!), is that Stefan feeds him his blood in the hospital, kills him, he wakes up, and then steals him away to some sketchy place where he chains him up, (but could this transformation have happened so fast?!), and beyond aggressively forces Jeremy to kill him. All to help Elena become the person you want her to be, which is a person, and not a vampire. Especially since you know Elena will love that you saved her by killing her brother’s soul. Frankly, Stefan’s actions are totally Damon, but lacking the awesome Damon charm. I love that Stef and Caroline are having a bromance (that’s the only way I can describe it!), but I’ve basically lost all interest in him. He’s manipulative, obnoxious and kind of boring.
2. Jeremy’s basically a full-blown hunter. Combined with Stefan’s forceful temptation and his hunter blood kicking in, all Jeremy can think or dream about is killing vampires. Which is why he almost kills his sister, before Matt stops him. And moves in. And Elena moves into the Salvatore’s. SO REALISTIC, GUYS.
3. Shane and Hayley know each other. Which I totally guessed, when I saw them hanging at the pageant party. Hayley is working with Shane on his as-yet-revealed plan of sketchiness. Which is super sketchy. I was just beginning to really dig her, and now I just can’t trust her at all! Why, Hayley, why!
4. Is Bonnie even on this show anymore? Not really, but she’s essential and will be: Shane explains that once the hunter’s marks complete and one follows the map and finds the cure, it will still be sealed with a witch’s spell that only a certain kind of witch can de-spell. Totally knew that certain kind of witch was a Bennett one before Damon.
5. Elena and Damon get it on. I guess it was hot, and I was really, really excited, but it seemed too loving for me. I want them to be in love, but I just want the scene to be good. Like, Katherine in “The Return”-style good. With the epic music and everything.
6. And right after, Caroline figures out the craziest thing which is the biggest cop out in “TVD” history. Okay, maybe not. But it looks like Elena’s sired to Damon! WHICH IS MIND BLOWINGLY CRAZY! And totally interesting, because if that’s true, how is it really different from her, in her current state, being with Stefan? Considering how manipulative he’s been, I’d say she was metaphorically sired to him, as well.
7. I finally agree with Elena on something. She thought that Professor Shane was creepy. And she’s totally right. Sorry, Shane: We only had one former vampire hunter who started showing up at all sorts of inappropriate places that our high school friends were constantly at, and he’s dead. An Alaric you will never be.
It was a pretty action-packed episode, so if there was something I didn’t cover that you’re just dying to talk about, don’t hesitate to tell me on Twitter or in the comments below, along with answers to the following questions:
How creepy is Jeremy? Can you believe Stefan’s behavior? Were you super-psyched for Delena, and completely pissed that this siring business is taking away from what should be real feelings (which we know exist, from before the transition?) When are we going to get to the bottom of Shane’s plan? Are you shocked about Hayley? Are you excited to see more of Alyssa Diaz, the actress who played the hybrid Hayley and Tyler were coaching? Are you getting annoyed that everyone keeps talking about how different Elena is, because she seems like pretty much the same and everyone should get off her back? Are you more shocked than me that I’m defending ELENA? Do you want April to just go away? Can Rebekah come back already? Are you starting to think this show needs some fresh blood (PUN INTENDED) because you don’t buy any of the character’s motivations anymore? (Get over hybrid-making, Klaus. This isn’t “Ruby Sparks,” Stefan. And no matter how much Gilbert, vampire-hating blood you have, Jer, basically everyone you love or hang with is a vampire, so I don’t think you can possibly believe that all vampires need to die.)
That was a mouthful. Thank you for reading. A blog post’s like a present you can open again and again. So you should probably do that until next week. Good talk.