by Melissa Albert
Why so cruel, "Glee"? At the very moment the rest of us are staring down our fourth helping of pie, we get an entire episode based around how amazing the glee kids look in spandex. This week we follow the misadventures of Nightbird (a.k.a. Blaine Warbler) and the rest of his secret society of superheroes, as they attempt to solve the Case of the Missing Sectionals Trophy. Will Blaine return to the nefarious Warblers? Will Marley overcome her eating disorder and break free of Kitty’s evil clutches? Will Sam ever truly be clean again, after wrapping a jockstrap around his face to impersonate Bane? All will be revealed below!
In the middle of a superhero society meeting, a state of emergency is called in the choir room. McKinley’s finest go to investigate: Calling Tarantula Head/Joe! Calling Asian Persuasion/Tina! Calling the Human Brain/Brittany! The sectionals trophy is gone, and a laptop's been left in its place...with a video message from a mysterious Dalton Academy Warbler. They’ve taken the trophy, and they plan on taking the victory at next week’s sectionals, too.
But there’s more to their scheme than mere intimidation: When Blaine shows up to retrieve the trophy, they try to lure him back to the Warblers. The club’s new captain, an evil, white cat-petting maniac, talks him into a Warblers blazer and a group sing-along, to Kelly Clarkson’s "Dark Side." And singing with the Warblers feels good...too good. Is Blaine going over to the prep school side, or can the Warblers be vanquished by his alter ego, Nightbird?
This is also the episode where Jake admits he’s got real feelings for Marley. But she’s already making time with Ryder, who, along with Kitty, is the glee club’s newest member—and now the boys are sworn foes. After interim glee director Finn’s first sectionals idea falls flat ("Foreigner": think Artie in lederhosen, performing "Cold as Ice" in Spanish), he sees a chance to bring unity back to the choir room, Schuester-style.
But first Finn embraces his inner superhero, which turns out, unfortunately, to be the Almighty Treble Clef. His replacement theme for sectionals is dynamic duets! He pairs up mortal enemies Kitty and Marley, and Ryder and Jake, because he’s a bona fide graduate of the Will Schuester School of Heartfelt Feelings, where niceness always wins. (We recommend he take a correspondence course at Sue Sylvester’s University of Unnecessary Cruelty, just to be reminded how the world actually works.)
Ryder and Jake sing The Clique’s "I Am Superman," using the performance as a battleground both for the superhero identity Megastud and the heart of spicy tamale Marley. (Just kidding, she’s more the dry, white toast type. These boys need better taste in women.) Finally Jake punches Ryder, then tackles him into some music stands. Technically, we think he won the name of Megastud!
Finn’s new crazy plan is to force Jake and Ryder to stay in the same room till they’ve told each other what their “kryptonite” is. Jake’s is that, considering his mixed heritage, he feels like he never fits in. And Ryder? Turns out the reason he does so poorly in school is that he can’t read. With the help of Good Fairy Finn, Ryder is finally diagnosed with dyslexia.
Meanwhile, criminally gullible Marley is making her own life miserable, engaging in bulimia and self-hatred under the influence of duet partner and ultimate frenemy Kitty. They adopt alter egos Femme Fatale and Wallflower (guess which girl is which) to sing Bonnie Tyler’s "Holding Out for a Hero" in tight spandex.
Blaine, too, could use a hero to talk him out of running back to the Warblers, and Sam steps up. Blaine admits that his guilt over cheating on Kurt is making him want to run from the memories at McKinley. Finally, he decides to stay...after one last mission at Dalton. He and Sam, codename Blond Chameleon, steal the trophy, leaving Blaine’s rejected blazer behind. Then, to the tune of David Bowie’s "Heroes," they hold a food drive that reminds Blaine that he’s not a complete villain.
Jake’s still using up all his Puckerman power on Marley, to no avail, so he calls in the ultimate reinforcement: Puckerman, Sr. He’s currently camped out on Hollywood Boulevard, gouging tourists and rocking his own superhero identity: Pucker Man, natch. Puck reminds Jake that Puckerman hormones are literally irresistible to the ladies, and he must be right: After Ryder reschedules their date, Marley marches over to Jake and asks him to fill in for the cancellation. Love triangle, assemble!
After Blaine and Sam present the purloined trophy to the glee club, Tina presents Finn with a superhero glee director belt, full of magic markers, antacid, and a Barbie doll head (a gift from the Human Brain). A validated Finn calls for a huddle up, then the ep closes with a performance of Fun.’s "Some Nights." Next up: sectionals! We predict glee club revenge is a dish best served with a side of...pop song.
Song of the episode: Sometimes it seems like we don’t get enough Sam, and we can never get enough Blaine, so “Heroes” takes the turkey tonight. Let’s all celebrate with round five of pie!
What did you think of last night's episode of "Glee"?