'Vampire Diaries' Recap: 'The Rager'

Vampire Diariesby Cassie Title

Since tons of stuff happened during last night's episode of "The Vampire Diaries," I wasn't sure where to start. So, it's a good thing I take such extensive notes. Here's what I found when referring to said trusty notes. Microsoft Word automatically titled the document (since it happened to be the first line) the following: "Who be this creepy guy outside Tyler's room?" Uh, yeah. Pure poetry, I tell you. And said creepy guy was Connor, our new un-friendly vampire hunter in town. So we'll start from the beginning.

Connor's on a mission to bore me. I mean, he inserted a needle into Lockwood’s teeth to extract some werewolf venom. Seriously. I mean, I’m kind of excited to unravel the mythology around his "invisible ink," but I just can’t see him as a real threat, considering how easy it was for Damon and Klaus to almost kill him.

Klaus is back! Since Tyler very publicly avoided Connor’s death threat last week at the memorial, it looks like Carol called in the troops for reinforcement. And by the troops, I mean Klaus-hybrid-minions. Yeah, there are hard feelings between our hottest hybrids, but Klaus apparently can’t afford to lose any of his new descendants; hence: Tyler’s new hybrid bodyguards. Which again, I’d like to point out, is so four months ago. Get over it, Klaus!

Meet Hayley. Oh hey, Phoebe Tonkin! If Nina Dobrev can’t convince producers to bring back Katherine, homegirl may be our next best option. I’m not saying she’s as badass as her old character Faye on "The Secret Circle" (R.I.P.), but Hayley seems to be a pretty cool girl to kick it with. Apparently, she helped Tyler break his sire bond way back when he was MIA. Which is interesting (and convenient), but mostly interesting, because I thought Bill did that. Hm. I guess Hayley helped him first, and she may have done more than help him. Because for some (most likely) sexy reason, Tyler doesn’t want Caroline to find out about Hayley. Which spells trouble, obviously, especially since Klaus wants yo girl, Ty Man! Say it with me friends: uh-oh.

Damon and Stefan are fighting. About their differences in methodology for teaching Elena vampirism; about the fact that Damon blood-shared with Stefan's girlfriend; and about the fact that they’re still both in love with the same girl. Damon threatened me (he looked straight at me, he must know I exist) with the promise of leaving town. It was really scary, except I know it’s not going to happen. Anyway, he tried to stick with MFell (I’m giving her a new nickname. Just go with it...), but she was all like: Make up with Stefan and Elena. I’m not going to be your new partner in vampire crime. How silly are you, Meredith! Why you be turnin’ that offer down?

Connor threatened Matt with some serious force in the high school. It was too obvious that Matt was being a human blood bag because he always had intense bandages going on. So Connor ripped that thang off, revealing that the cut was actually a vamp bite, and made Matt reveal the source. To which he said: Rebekah.

Rebekah throws a rager. Elena got confused, though, because she started raging in an angered way, instead of in a party way. In fact, Elena’s getting STEAMING MAD all the time, now, when it comes to Bex, because her emotions are all heightened and she’s SO MAD at Rebekah for killing her and not being sorry about it and just being a RAGING (excuse my French) b----. I'm over the mean-girl power struggle: I say they just become BFFs. But more importantly, Connor somehow managed to put Tyler’s jacked werewolf venom into the keg. So Bex and Elena started doing weird things. Oh, and apparently werewolf venom isn’t just poison to vamps, it's a hallucinogenic. So Rebekah imagined an entire conversation with Matt (girl is almost pathetic in how much she likes him) and Elena interrupted her vampire sex with Stefan because she kept seeing Damon. Except, honey, I don’t think that’s just the venom, talking.

They are back in school. Biggest surprise of them all! I REALLY suspend belief with this one. Like, hasn’t someone noticed that they haven’t been to school in FOREVER? What are the authorities doing in Mystic Falls, besides poorly hunting the wrong vampires and promoting nonsense town-wide curfews?

Connor, again. Apparently, the reason Jeremy could see homeboy’s invisible ink is because he’s either a hunter or a potential hunter. So Connor, who should already have figured out that all of Jeremy’s homies are vampires, tried to enlist him. Which was so stupid, as I just hinted at before. But I must be getting slow because I didn’t instantly understand that Jeremy was trying to set Connor up with Damon’s help. But unfortunately for them, Klaus saved him. Which nobody yet knows about.

Ugh, I hate that I’m giving Connor so much page time. But he’s about to get important, or hopefully, interesting. Klaus saved him because he’s "one of the five." Connor doesn’t even know that he’s "one of the five." What’s the deal with these five fancy, infamous, important vampire hunters? What is their storied history? It is so something that Klaus saves him, because he thinks that he will be of more use to him alive than dead. Is he from some ancient coven of vampire hunters? Probably. If there are these mystical beings who are bad-ass vampire hunters, why was the historic Founders Council so bad at it? Now I want to know everything about the five. Because it’s seeming like to me that Klaus thinks there’s some way for Connor—since he’s one of the five—to, like, make Elena human again, or something. I mean, it’s probably not that, but there’s some connection, because he said that Elena may be of some use to him, yet. That’s why he saves her from the werewolf venom. Hybrid problems, man. #Hybridproblems.

Elena’s kind of cool. She did a beautiful keg stand, she’s getting nasty to Rebekah, and she stood up on the back of Stefan’s motorcycle with this beautiful look of unsappy innocence, power and joy! It was so wonderful, and teenaged, and youthful, and fun! Whoopee!

April and Bex are now, like, friends. Mkay. Cool.

Damon offers to teach Elena how to be a vampire. And she accepted. This was after he reluctantly gave her a white oak stake to kill Rebekah, which Stefan stopped her from doing. Complications, though. These two are about to get...I don’t know. But we’ll see. Oh, yes. We will see.

How excited were you to meet Hayley? What happened with her and Tyler out in those dark, dark woods? Is Klaus going to succeed in stealing Caroline? Is sh-- gonna go down when Car finds out? What about next week’s previews? Are problems on the way for Elena and Stefan? Because it looks like Damon and Elena are going on a college road trip, where frat party feeding and dancing will ensue. Can you not wait to find out more about Connor and the mythology of “the five”? What is Klaus up to, in regards to keeping Connor alive? Did you miss Bonnie? Are you sad that I didn’t mention how wonderful Caroline was as an understanding ear to Stefan? (Gotcha! I just did.) Would you like to see MFell and Damon be partners in vampire crime? Are Rebekah and Matt going to get together? Is April really going to be social trouble for Elena, now that she and Bex are gonna be pals? Who knows? That’s why I’m asking you. Although, if you watch the show (which you do, obviously) you can have a pretty good idea. So share said pretty good ideas. Comment below or tweet your hearts out! Do it! Or else. (And or else is an empty threat. It just means "or else I’ll get bored." And you don’t want that, right? Right??)